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My husband and I got into a big fight last night that lasted about five hours, which we seem to do about every three months. Neither of us ever get physical but he does get right up in my face and spats as many insults and hurtful things as he can think of. I feel like they're pretty bad but I honestly don't know what's considered too much and what's just a regular run-of-the-mill fight that all couples have.
I know I say some hurtful things, too, when I feel cornered. I brought up some past issues like how he told me during a previous fight that ALL of his friends told him not to marry me and he should have listened. Last night, I told him he should go talk to one of them because I wanted him out of my face. I also called him selfish and delusional for thinking I was selfish. Oh yeah, I did also say multiple times that I was done talking to him and what he was doing was unacceptable, so he should leave me alone. That's honestly all I can remember saying to him, I pretty much shut down and didn't speak to him after that because I just wanted him to leave me alone. He says that my silence is abuse and so much worse then him getting up in my face and telling me what a stupid, backwoods piece of %&# I am. He says I'm bad at sex (a common complaint), barely a 6 (a new one from last night) and I think I'm somehow better than him because he's not making much money. He says I act like a 12-year-old and have some kind of Disney point of view about how relationships and sex work. He says he can't even talk about sex with me and always has to censor himself, although I feel like we talk about sex plenty. It's just not a topic I want to have a two hour long conversation about. Oh, I guess another hurtful thing I did to him (he says) is somehow I made him feel like he was a disgusting pervert because I really don't want to do something that he wants to do. Something that I've heard only about 40% of women do, so I'm not in the minority (if that statistic is remotely accurate).
I guess a good conclusion for his side is that he thinks I'm selfish and he bends over backwards trying to please me. He said he used to have money before I forced him to spend it all on our wedding and house. I did contribute half the down payment for the house and about 30% for the wedding, because that's all I could afford at the time. Now he doesn't have much income because he started a business a few months ago. We're living almost 100% on my income. So to hear him say I'm selfish baffles me. His take is that he'd have money if I didn't force him to spend it on things he didn't want. Although, he has said on multiple occasions that he thinks the house is a good investment and the market value has actually gone up $10k in six months. Ugh, I'm sorry, I'm rambling. I'm so hurt and lost.
To say that we have different ideas of what a relationship should be like would be an understatement. And I can't leave because I don't want to give up, as well as for financial reasons. Also, I'm stupidly introverted and am not good at meeting people, so if I want to not be alone, I think he's my only chance. He doesn't physically hurt me, he can be very nice to me but I wonder if that niceness is just an act since he told me he bends over backwards trying to please me. He usually acts like he wants to work everything out but then I see this other side of him and, frankly, I hate that side of him.
Last edited by mjohnson4381; 01-01-2015 at 11:18 AM..
To say that we have different ideas of what a relationship should be like would be an understatement. And I can't leave because I don't want to give up, as well as for financial reasons. Also, I'm stupidly introverted and am not good at meeting people, so if I want to not be alone, I think he's my only chance. He doesn't physically hurt me, he can be very nice to me but I wonder if that niceness is just an act since he told me he bends over backwards trying to please me. He usually acts like he wants to work everything out but then I see this other side of him and, frankly, I hate that side of him.
You CAN leave, you dont want to. Youre making up excuses. Leave if you want and the rest will work out.
You dont want to be alone but you want to feel alone emotionally?
Hes not your only choice.
He doesnt beat you but hes beats you emotionally. Clearly by your words above.
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Get counseling for your marriage and get on the same page or get out.
Just a year. We dated for three before getting married. I keep trying to understand it from his point of view but I'm not having any luck. I keep trying to dig into my memories to see if I am being awful to him and just forgetting about it.
You CAN leave, you dont want to. Youre making up excuses. Leave if you want and the rest will work out.
You dont want to be alone but you want to feel alone emotionally?
Hes not your only choice.
He doesnt beat you but hes beats you emotionally. Clearly by your words above.
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Get counseling for your marriage and get on the same page or get out.
Yes, counseling would be worth a shot, I think. That could be my best chance at figuring out if I'm doing something really bad myself and not seeing it.
Yes, counseling would be worth a shot, I think. That could be my best chance at figuring out if I'm doing something really bad myself and not seeing it.
It's your ONLY shot.
You need it whether you stay married or not.
Me? I would move out today. NO ONE should say those things to you. EVER.
Me? I would move out today. NO ONE should say those things to you. EVER.
Thanks for listening (or reading, I guess). Just venting here is making me feel better. I can't say all these things to someone in my real life and that makes me feel pretty lonely.
Thanks for listening (or reading, I guess). Just venting here is making me feel better. I can't say all these things to someone in my real life and that makes me feel pretty lonely.
There has to be SOMEONE in your real life who cares about you.
Choosing the wrong husband is not a crime, and people do it all the time. You CAN and SHOULD talk to someone you can trust.
I just feel like it'd be a betrayal, I guess. I don't want my friends and family thinking my husband is a scumbag, especially not if I want this to work out.
Refusing to engage with someone who's being verbally abusive is not "abusive silence". It's what you should be doing, except counselors recommend going one step further, and leaving the scene, not just disengaging or "shutting down". It sounds like you two need coaching on how to discuss/argue constructively, fairly, vs. meanly. Studies have shown that couples who fight "mean" are couples who are headed for divorce. (I realize it's your husband who's fighting "mean", I'm just saying it's a general indicator of where the marriage is headed.) It also sounds like you two need help communicating about and sorting out some other issues. See if he'll agree to couples counseling. If he refuses, that doesn't leave you much choice.
If you two dated for 3 years before marrying, he couldn't have been blindsided about whatever it is he's not happy about in the sexual realm, right? Is there something that came up only after marriage?
You don't want to leave "for financial reasons", but you're supporting your husband almost fully?
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We dated for three before getting married. I keep trying to understand it from his point of view but I'm not having any luck. I keep trying to dig into my memories to see if I am being awful to him and just forgetting about it.
Just venting here is making me feel better. I can't say all these things to someone in my real life and that makes me feel pretty lonely.
