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Ah, that's something completely different than what I am talking about then. I must have misunderstood (or missed it). What you are describing isn't what I do at all (I won't have sex with a guy until I am attracted to him for example). And I certainly won't lie and say I am attracted to him if I don't know that I am yet. That's the whole point of me dialing things back and slowing things down after all.
If they are telling you they are attracted to you and hooking up, but then won't commit then they are basically using you as a booty call. If they aren't being upfront about it and leading you to think that commitment might come out of it, if they are saying one then but doing another, then they are lying to you and using you (in my opinion).
Now, when I say they won't commit, there's a couple things going on. In some cases, they are not willing to take the next step up outside of casual dating. But they still want to be in my life (keeping in touch, offering to do things for me, etc.) even after I've stopped reaching out to them. Another thing they don't do is initiate communication with me, but still respond to me and accept my invites to go out. If they are into me, as they claim to be, they need to make some kind of commitment and step up their game. It's a two way street.
I've never felt like I've wasted time getting to know an awesome person, even if it didn't work out long term romantically.
You have a very good point, but in my situation, I don't have a lot of time. Remember, I am a single mom, work full time, am actively involved in my community and my daughter's school, and my ex isn't taking all his parenting time to boot (he's supposed to have her 7 out of every 14 days and he's whittled it down to 3). In order to date, I literally have to "make time" and make arrangements such as babysitting and even dog sitting if it's a long date. So in my case, it does feel like a lot of wasted effort (and time I could have spent with my daughter) if it's not going to be something that clearly wouldn't work out. Maybe I would have a different outlook if my situation were more like yours.
Now, when I say they won't commit, there's a couple things going on. In some cases, they are not willing to take the next step up outside of casual dating. But they still want to be in my life (keeping in touch, offering to do things for me, etc.) even after I've stopped reaching out to them. Another thing they don't do is initiate communication with me, but still respond to me and accept my invites to go out. If they are into me, as they claim to be, they need to make some kind of commitment and step up their game. It's a two way street.
Yeah, I don't think they are into you if they won't initiate anything. Again, I have to think booty call... or maybe they see you as a FWB. It's hard to say because I really don't know first hand. What's the length of time you are talking about here (because it sounds like months of dating). If the case is this is going on for months, I'd say those women are committed relationship dead-ends for you. Keep those options open just in case, but I'd say move on and start trying to find someone else.
Yeah, I don't think they are into you if they won't initiate anything. Again, I have to think booty call... or maybe they see you as a FWB. It's hard to say because I really don't know first hand. What's the length of time you are talking about here (because it sounds like months of dating). If the case is this is going on for months, I'd say those women are committed relationship dead-ends for you. Keep those options open just in case, but I'd say move on and start trying to find someone else.
The girl from a few months ago, that was a few weeks of dating before I weaned off her and distanced myself. Then, out of the blue, she offered to take me to the airport when I was going out of town for the holidays. Yesterday she texted me to ask how I was doing and how my holidays were. Keep in mind that I have not been contacting her for weeks now. I don't know why she's still trying to contact me.
The most recent case is a girl I met in December at a dating event. We hung out most of that evening, made out, dropped her off at home. Then we went on a date Saturday and spent the entire day together and we went back to her place. I could have stayed over, but chose to go home because I had things to do in the AM. I think it's still too early to decide about her, but she has not texted me at all this week besides on Sunday to joke around about something we had talked about Saturday. She did accept my invitation, however, to go out again Sunday.
Should I break it off with her? I'm tired of dealing with these types of women. I just wish they would leave me alone.
The girl from a few months ago, that was a few weeks of dating before I weaned off her and distanced myself. Then, out of the blue, she offered to take me to the airport when I was going out of town for the holidays. Yesterday she texted me to ask how I was doing and how my holidays were. Keep in mind that I have not been contacting her for weeks now. I don't know why she's still trying to contact me.
The most recent case is a girl I met in December at a dating event. We hung out most of that evening, made out, dropped her off at home. Then we went on a date Saturday and spent the entire day together and we went back to her place. I could have stayed over, but chose to go home because I had things to do in the AM. I think it's still too early to decide about her, but she has not texted me at all this week besides on Sunday to joke around about something we had talked about Saturday. She did accept my invitation, however, to go out again Sunday.
Should I break it off with her? I'm tired of dealing with these types of women. I just wish they would leave me alone.
If I were you I wouldn't "break" anything off (don't burn bridges) but I would "write" them off and try for someone new. In other words, if they come around and start initiating things, then give them a chance (if you feel like it, don't fee obligated). If they are really interested, they will make a move. And if they are interested and playing games, you are better off without them. But until the time comes where they do start initiating things, figure they are dead ends and move on to someone new.
At least, that's my advice. But take it with a grain of salt because it seems you and I are very different in our dating styles. So what works for me, might not be best for you. Probably the best thing to do is go with your gut.
Most relationships end, or at least change significantly. Nothing wrong with that. It doesn't mean they weren't successful. They just ran their course as they were. Not "jumping" into one because it might not work out doesn't make a ton of sense to me. Jumping is fun.
I'm a bit stumped at the turn this thread has taken.
Isn't the whole point of dating to get to know someone? I don't think my way of dating in the past 25 years is really unusual, except that none of it involved OLD. You meet someone, you're both attracted/interested, so you start dating exclusively, and if it's working well, it turns into a relationship. You keep dating during that relationship until it goes to the next level or until it no longer works. I've never "pre-dated" someone to see if there was enough there to "officially" be dating them.
Sometimes you meet someone and you know right away whether you're into them or not. Sometimes your interest is peaked, but after 5 dates you can see it's not a good fit, not something you could really determine on the first meeting but learned over a bit of time spent talking and/or together. THAT is the gamble of dating and getting to know others in efforts to find that special someone to be in a relationship with.
The frequency (and modes) of communication is perhaps one of the most difficult concepts for me to reach a reasonable conclusion on as it pertains to the beginning stage of dating. Most often, I think this is where I lose a lot of women. I may not initiate enough, or maybe I don't think she initiates enough and so I write her off, perhaps, too quickly.
In the Beginning
To be creepy, or not to be. That is thy question. What's a normal frequency to you? Should the guy initiate or should the woman initiate more often? Should it be balanced or should the man initiate most of the communication? Is a short text asking, "Hey, how are you?" preferred, or is a phone call to have a longer, more intimate conversation preferred? Keep in mind that the demographic I'm working within is the 20s-30s folks.
The beginning of dating seems to be where I really get thrown off with how frequent and by which mode communication should be handled. Sometimes I feel like maybe I don't initiate enough. But at the same time, it's because I'm waiting to hear from them. I end up getting antsy and I end up writing people off pretty quickly if I don't think they're initiating enough. The problem is that I've dealt with people who handle this in a bunch of different ways. I've had women text me daily, some once a week. Some women would get upset or turned off if they did not hear from me at least once a day or every other day. So I can't really establish a benchmark for what is normal. At the same time, I don't want to be "that guy" whose attempts to contact become a nuisance.
What is the best way to go about this? How do you not turn someone away by being "too clingy" while keeping them interested? What expectations should you set for yourself regarding hearing from the other person?
Again, please frame your answers with regards to the 20-30s demographic and modern dating norms. As much as I appreciate tradition and the old ways of doing things, we have to accept that the times are a-changin'.
I'm not 20 or 30 anymore, but I'll say do whatever feels okay with you. With the right person, you will find yourself no longer pondering this question. Things will flow.
In my experience...whatsapp (or chats) can be your worst enemy in the early stages of dating.
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