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I have to agree with this and my thoughts exactly. The op should try to focus on himself and get involve in some sort of activity and don't try hard on dating women. Women are funny and for the most part they have an ideal guy that they like or want to be with and maybe the op is not that ideal type of guy. Not all women want a nice guy or a decent guy, not all women want a man that is smarter than them, or a man that is good on paper but lacks in the looks department and so forth, or the guy has a lot of money but their is no connection. I agree we are continuously learning about ourselves as we age in what we like and don't.
I discovered that with my most recent ex as well. She has a best friend who's a guy that she loves like a brother. They seem to do everything together; however, I couldn't stand the guy and most of my friends couldn't either (male/female). I was a lot different than her guy friend, but he could do no wrong in her book, even when it was brought to her attention that he was okay with being a home wrecker. Even more so when her ex-boyfriend was a cheat and cheated on her as well.
Sometimes, you can do everything wrong and people won't leave you alone and you can do everything right and people won't pay any attention. It's just how life happens sometimes.
The OP is involved in plenty of activities, and sometimes even meets women through them. But still, he feels something is missing in his life, and he wants to move the romance dept. forward. But he brings expectations to the dates, based on prior experience of women being really into him very early on in the process. So when those expectations aren't met, he tends to bail, or go through a lot of hand-wringing, and then bail.
What can you tell a guy like that?
Our minds are conditioned to how we think. His most meaningful relationships have came from a certain way of thinking. Truth be told, the relationships that worked for me were ones where the women wanted a relationship first and foremost. As in, they were dating to meet that special someone. They'd know within the first or second date if the person was someone that they wanted to endure a 3rd or 4th date with.
Granted, everyone is different, but those are the types of women I've been into. The OP is having a hard time with someone who goes against that. He's too invested in her and she's not to that point yet. The sad part is, by the time she got to that point, he would have likely lost interest in her. It's a fundamental problem between him and her. She's probably lukewarm on him, while he's more red hot on her. She's probably had guys she was red hot on and they were lukewarm on her.
She probably likes the OP, but just isn't into him, or feeling it the way she wants to feel it, with a red hot guy. I don't think there's anything wrong with her wanting to take things slow, but at the same time, it's like pulling teeth for the OP. It's just not fun for him. Generally, if I'm taking things really slow like that, I have a take it or leave it attitude with that person. This is what I'm willing to give, you can either be on board or not be on board. From a relationship mindset, you can't have that attitude. That is where the problem lies. He has a relationship mindset, while she has a dating mindset. Neither party is wrong, but let's call it what it is. Neither of them are a good match for each other.
The OP is involved in plenty of activities, and sometimes even meets women through them. But still, he feels something is missing in his life, and he wants to move the romance dept. forward. But he brings expectations to the dates, based on prior experience of women being really into him very early on in the process. So when those expectations aren't met, he tends to bail, or go through a lot of hand-wringing, and then bail.
What can you tell a guy like that?
You have to have expectations for what you want leading up to and in a relationship. We have expectations about every aspect of our lives: how our friends and family treat us, what we should earn at our job, etc. This is not a novel concept. If only after one date I'm expecting the things I'm talking about here, then I agree that I'm being unrealistic. But there has to be a certain point in the process where you decide if it's worthwhile to move forward or to move on. I think after one month and four dates, you should have a pretty good perception of how things are going, and whether or not you wish to have the other person in your life for the foreseeable future.
I explained to you folks a number of times how I've conducted myself in this process, as well as how I feel about this particular girl. It should be no mystery to her (or you) how I feel about her. Granted, she is younger than I am (she's 24, I'm 29). There's a possibility that she is not well-versed in the standard protocols of dating. However, it has been my experience that people who are interested in you (whether romantically or platonically) will inherently show it. They will contact you to see how you're doing. They will invite you to do things with them. They will call you for the hell of it. Any reasonable human being should understand these basic tenets of human relations. There is no healthy relationship that I'm aware of where one person is doing all the chasing while the other person sits back and soaks up the attention.
So, because of this situation, you are taking yourself "off the dating market"?
Don't you think you are being a tad dramatic?
Actually, the last several situations have led me to feeling that this is the best plan of action for me. Obviously, I'm not bringing it; it being whatever it is that makes women (the women I'm interested in) swoon over a guy. I don't have it. That much is clear to me. It's not fun to me going on a bunch of dates with a bunch of strange women, paying for their stuff, just for it to fizzle out on me in a few weeks. I could be using that time/money/energy on something that will actually benefit me in some way or another, not just drain me.
Actually, the last several situations have led me to feeling that this is the best plan of action for me. Obviously, I'm not bringing it; it being whatever it is that makes women (the women I'm interested in) swoon over a guy. I don't have it. That much is clear to me. It's not fun to me going on a bunch of dates with a bunch of strange women, paying for their stuff, just for it to fizzle out on me in a few weeks. I could be using that time/money/energy on something that will actually benefit me in some way or another, not just drain me.
Are you sure it's fizzled out? Does she know it's fizzled out?
She probably likes the OP, but just isn't into him, or feeling it the way she wants to feel it, with a red hot guy. I don't think there's anything wrong with her wanting to take things slow, but at the same time, it's like pulling teeth for the OP. It's just not fun for him. Generally, if I'm taking things really slow like that, I have a take it or leave it attitude with that person. This is what I'm willing to give, you can either be on board or not be on board. From a relationship mindset, you can't have that attitude. That is where the problem lies. He has a relationship mindset, while she has a dating mindset. Neither party is wrong, but let's call it what it is. Neither of them are a good match for each other.
I thought this was pretty insightful, OP. Maybe some of the women you've been going with are too young to be at your stage of looking for a relationship vs. dating....?
I thought this was pretty insightful, OP. Maybe some of the women you've been going with are too young to be at your stage of looking for a relationship vs. dating....?
It's very possible. I'm in a tough spot at 29. The women who are younger than me are mostly still in the "I just want to have fun" mindset, and the women who are older than me are mostly in the "I want to settle down and start popping out babies ASAP" mindset. Of course, it doesn't help that I, myself, look to be in my early to mid 20s. Women my age and a little older tend to think I look too young for them.
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