Is it common for men to be so obsessed with their wife's or SO's weight?

[RedZin]

Originally Posted by itsdap

He's a hypocrite if he let himself go.

But reality is weight gain for men and women does not affect each genders attractiveness the same way. Anyone that denies this is being intellectually dishonest or is delusional.

Just understand that his sexual attraction for you will drastically decrease in direct correlation to your scale tipping further right. This is reality.

Sure it does.

Women don't magically find slovenly, fat dudes attractive just because they have a good job or some nonsense.

LOL.

But, those guys like to think they do.

Message to those guys: She finds your wallet attractive, buddy. Not you. And she tolerates sex with you to get at your money. When you're not looking, she's having sex that SHE enjoys with a hot guy.

Now, I'll concede that women (in general) can be more forgiving of physical flaws. But, so can some men. Mostly the ones who are cerebral types. I do love smart guys.

[SadieLeigh]

Hi all, I wanted to give an update on my status. I wasn’t in a very good place emotionally on my last post and felt I needed to close this out on a better note.

After weeks of diet and exercise which included an hour long work-out with a personal trainer 3 days a week, aerobics, yoga and kickboxing in addition to my regular work-out at the gym I’ve managed to get down to 103 lbs.. My goal is to get to 100 and maintain. But as some of you have speculated losing weight didn’t exactly make everything in my relationship better. I went through an emotional whirlwind from being hurt, sad/depressed and finally anger.

I never told my husband I was working out nor did I ask him to join me. Once I got started I became obsessed with reaching my goal. And now that I’m almost there I realized I’m not any happier. Mostly I feel angry and betrayed.

We haven’t seen much of each other due to conflicting schedule. This past Sunday was the first time we’d spent a full day together in over a month. He noticed the change in my weight and complimented me but that only made me angrier. I couldn’t tell you why. I’m not usually an angry person so I’m surprised at my reaction. He asked me what was wrong and I wanted to smack him over the head.

Long story short we got into an argument and everything I’d kept bottled up came to the surface. I asked him if he was cheating on me. His reply was to ask me where I’d gotten that preposterous idea.When I brought up his nightly barhopping for the last 6 weeks he told me he’d been working on a surprise project. He’s building a bigger home for us; something I’d been wanting for years now. I can’t decide whether I wanted to hug him or hit him. How could he put me thru all this pain when he could have just told me the truth or at the very least given me a hint of what he was doing. He’s a builder and with the recent influx of business he’s had to squeeze in meetings for personal projects in the evenings and weekends. He said he hasn’t been himself because of some complications with other projects which he didn’t want to burden me with. I said I’d much rather he burden me with those problems than for him to take his frustrations out on me.

We talked about his issue with my weight. He still doesn’t seem to get that the things he said were really hurtful. He apologized but then says that if he hadn’t said anything I might have continued to gain weight and become obese at the rate I was going. Apparently he’s taking credit for all my hard work. He doesn’t realize the things I’ve had to do to lose that weight as quickly as I did. I put myself on a raw diet of only fruits and veggies and took appetite suppressants to curb my appetite. I took 2 weeks off work so I can bust my butt for hours at the gym every single day in addition to all the other things I’ve taken up.

I asked what he would have done if I couldn’t lose the weight. What if I continued to pack on the pounds? Would he have left me and found someone else? He said he would have continued to “encourage” me to get in shape. So basically what I’m getting is that he would continue to hound me until the weight comes off.

I’m still hurt and angry about the whole thing but he’s promised to be more considerate of my feelings. Even though he says otherwise I still feel in the back of my mind that if I ever let myself get out of shape again I’ll be just as miserable as I have been the last few months.

Also someone asked what type of meds I was put on. It was Effexor XR 225m. I am also on a few other meds for other health conditions so it could have been the effect of the combined meds. At my follow up with my doctor I decided not to look for an alternative. I’d rather deal with the fatigue than take the risk of going thru this again.

[Bronxguyanese]

Originally Posted by SadieLeigh

I would like some men's perspective on this...

I am a very petite woman that has been thin for most of my life. I was actually under-weight from my childhood to my early 20s due to a super high metabolism. I could not gain weight no matter what or how much I ate. It made me very self conscious so I would wear loose clothing or layer up to disguise how thin I was. I never wore form fitting clothing or anything that would show my legs.

Then I met my husband and he loved my body. He gave me the confidence to wear shorts and 2 piece bathing suits. I felt beautiful for the first time in my life. We've been married 10 yrs now and up until a few months ago I have maintained the same weight without even trying. However I was put on anti-depressants in November of last year and one of the side effects was increased appetite, weight gain, bloating, etc..

I put on 25 lbs in 2 months and am at the heaviest I have ever been. But according to my BMI I am within my ideal weight. The thing is I am only 5', 1" and have a super petite build with small bones so gaining even 5-10lbs (which may not make a difference on the average woman) makes a big difference on my frame.

He's constantly on my case about my weight now. He tells me I'm getting fat, my hips and thighs are getting wide, I need to be careful what I eat, I need to exercise more and so on. I feel very hurt by this but when I tell him that he says that he's telling me the cold hard truth because he loves me and wants me to take better care of myself. But I'm now in my mid 30's and my metabolism is no longer what it was.

I've stopped the anti-depressants and have even tried eating less and sometimes fasting for 2-3 days in an attempt to lose the weight but it's just not working.

The thing is he is the only one that feels I'm getting fat. Everyone else says I'm still thin. When I tell him this he says why would I listen to people who are probably overweight or not in good shape themselves which unfortunately is true. The people who says this are indeed on the heavier side.

I asked him once if he was attracted to the anorexic look and he says of course not and that I never looked anorexic because even at my thinnest I never had protruding bones/ribs and I had curves.

I just don't understand why he's so obsessed. When we met he was 6',2" and 190lbs. He's now 250 lbs with quite a gut from drinking beer on a daily basis. But it doesn't bother me. I will love him no matter how big he gets. I've told him this but instead of taking it as a compliment he got upset. He says he isn't happy with his weight either and by me telling him he looks good as he is isn't encouraging him to get in better shape which is what he's trying to do for me.

I can't seem to say anything right anymore. I feel unattractive and lonely. He goes out to the local bar almost every night of the week so I hardly see him anymore. And when he is home he stays in the office until very late before coming to bed. We hardly talk anymore because I'm so afraid of making him upset.

I'm an introvert and usually keep to myself. I don't have any friends or family that I can discuss this with so I feel very alone. That's why I'm posting here. I just want to get some opinions from other men if this is common behavior. Do you get upset when your wife/gf gains weight? Would you give her this tough love attitude to encourage her to lose it?

At this point I am considering getting lipo-suction in my abs and sides. Then hire a trainer and really try to push myself. I want to make him happy and for him to be attracted to me again. I'm afraid he'll start looking elsewhere if I don't.

Move to nyc or some city in the north east where fat women do not take much flack for being over weight by an so compared to other parts of the country. Also plenty of over weight women here are in healthy relationship. If it offers you any consolation fat women here are equally as shallow as hot attractive women.

[katykat01]

I'm also very petite and understand completely about how small weight gains look significant on us petite ladies. Small or not, though, 25 lbs in 2 months is substantial! That's about what a woman should gain through 9 months of pregnancy, so that is a genuine concern. I'd definitely stay away from those particular anti-depressants. My bigger concern, though, is what's going on in your life that makes you depressed anyway. As someone who's lived through multiple bouts of depression (some very severe episodes), I know what it's like to be depressed and that there's usually something that needs to be fixed. I also know from personal experience and loads of medical research that physical activity helps reduce depression. Eating properly also helps with it. I know that when I don't do these things my mood changes, so I'm pretty vigilant about eating properly and getting plenty of exercise.

Despite those initiatives, you'll still need to work on whatever is happening within your life that's making you depressed. Maybe it's the lack of connection outside your marriage? I don't know, just guessing here. As an introvert, I don't need a ton of time with others, but I do cherish good, meaningful connections, so maybe you need more? Just surmising.

As for how men look at their wives' weight, well, all men are different. I know men who have hated it when their wives gained a lot of weight and I know a few who really didn't seem to care all that much. But I'd be concerned about how much your husband weighs and how much he's drinking. Seems an easy solution would be to request the same from him that he requests of you. You say you don't care that he's gained weight, but being overweight, particularly with a beer gut is an eventual death sentence. So you might want to address that issue. Maybe you can walk or bike together. I'm also wondering how much he drinks on a daily basis because that's another potential issue too. I don't know. I haven't read through the whole thread, but I think there's a lot going on here, more than just what's been stated. And I realize this is a message board and that we're only getting a portion of the picture.

Anyway, good luck to you! I wish you the best!

[Cubamiami]

Find a psychologist, and read about mindful meditation. You are probably feeling tense, anxious and preoccupied. It is important to feel relaxed in order to gain some awareness about your relationship, and your life in general. You were already depressed before your weight became an issue. Why? Why don't you have any friends? Do you work? Do you want to start a new career? How is your life going despite your husband? Why do you often feel lonely? Was there intimacy in your relationship? These are important questions you need to ask yourself. As long as there is life, you still have the opportunity to fully inhabit every moment of your life. I hope you decide to look for help outside of your relationship, it will make a huge difference in your present and future life. All the best!!!

[rego00123]

You're issues deal with your self image and perception, Not your weight.

That is an issue of the mind, not the body.

[mo8414]

its just tobad that someone that once picked you up is now the one pushing you down. sounds like you need counseling to help you work on your life.

[ishe]

I'm not a man, but I'm also Asian, it is okay if I give my opnion?
btw, which Asian are you from? I'm Chinese.

OP SadieLeigh, from your post you said you are average weight with BMI, that is healthy weight. So I don't see the problem; it not like you super overweight, or anything to the point of unhealthy.

I'm Chinese, and my husband is African. When he met me I'm already the chubby girl, he doens't mind that at all, he thinks it cute.
I'm 4'11, so I'm a petite short height girl, but I'm chubby.. I have chubby stomach and chubby legs, chubby butt, I'm like huppy everywhere, lol
My husband work alot of hours, when he home he likes to give random kisses.
When he watching News, sometimes he lays his head on my lap, and he would kiss my chubby stomach, lol
I giggles and tell him that there no baby in there yet, but he said he likes to kiss my stomach.

My husband doesn't care that my stomach is chubby. There men out there who like woman have meat on their body. I'm not super overweight or anything, but trust me I'm NOT thin.
And working alot is not an excuse. A man will love his wife regardless, whether work long hours or not.

So answer your question, it is common for men to be obsessed with their wife' weight? The answer is NO! Not common.
A man love you will make you feel good about your body, feel good about yourself. NOT put you down. My husband is a man, and he didn't mind my weight.

OP, you need to sit down and have heart to heart talk with your DH, tell your DH that he making you uncomfortable. And you don't appreciate him making you feel bad about your weight.
If your DH loves you, he will put in the efforts to make you happy and feel loved.

Listen. If my husband doesn't love me because I'm chubby, it his lost. I will sign the divorce papers, and he can freely to go find a thin girl.
Anyways, I know I don't have this problem because I understand my husband well. He is the type of man that like women that have meat on their body, he doesn't like skinny girls.
No offense to skinny girls, I'm sure alot of men love them.. BUT there are men out there who likes women with meat on their body too.

edit to say: Welp, I just read OP update.. Anyways, good luck to you Ms. OP, hope it all work out for you and your DH