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because I'm a bigbeliever in one's ability to improve themselves and change unhealthy traits (as is he, by the way),
. Being so bothered by what is a very peculiar behavior after an entire year of being totally exclusive, and in a very emotionally intense relationship with each other...
I mean, is there a sane person alive that wouldn't have serious misgivings about such a man?
And if a person like that does exist, I would seriously have to question his very intelligence, or maybe some kind of mental or personality disorder or something of that nature?
Sure there's gender differences in gift giving. Show the article posted to your partner, he's the person needing to be convinced, not a forum of anonymous posters.
You've already insinuated a man like this exists, explaining in the first post your partner doesn't gift on holidays and b-days.
So, you're attempting to change and improve a man you consider, and in your own words, mental or personality disordered
I'm not sure if I really wholeheartedly agree with any one on this, because I'm a big believer in one's ability to improve themselves and change unhealthy traits (as is he, by the way), and I think a few of you may have even suggested that I'm being too materialistic by having an expectation like this.
To an absurd suggestion like that, I would simply reply that gift giving amongst human beings is totally intrinsic to our very nature as social creatures and has been since for thousands and thousands of years. Being so bothered by what is a very peculiar behavior after an entire year of being totally exclusive, and in a very emotionally intense relationship with each other...
I mean, is there a sane person alive that wouldn't have serious misgivings about such a man?
And if a person like that does exist, I would seriously have to question his very intelligence, or maybe some kind of mental or personality disorder or something of that nature?
Quote:
Originally Posted by Arabic_Princess
And yes, I have consistently gifted him -- going back to before we had even actually met (we met on a dating website). Moreover, even though I make much less than him, I've never been frugal in any way, in terms of the kinds of things I've given him.
...Gift giving has long been a favorite subject for studies on human behavior, with psychologists, anthropologists, economists and marketers all weighing in. They have found that giving gifts is a surprisingly complex and important part of human interaction, helping to define relationships and strengthen bonds with family and friends. Indeed, psychologists say it is often the giver, rather than the recipient, who reaps the biggest psychological gains from a gift. Frustrated by crowds, traffic and commercialism, people can be tempted at this time of year to opt out of gift giving altogether. A 2005 survey showed that four out of five Americans think the holidays are too materialistic, according to the Center for a New American Dream, which promotes responsible consumption.
Mod edit: just post first few lines of articles
Quote:
Originally Posted by Arabic_Princess
I agree, introspectguy, but I think that perhaps it's worth it to give him some additional time, now that I've finally made it into the huge deal that it is. He's a sincere man, I'll tell you that, and he may very well be overestimating his own abilities, but the truth is, I love him so deeply, and I think I'm more interested in trying to understand what could have possibly happened in his life that would have deprived him of an almost basic human instinct.
Why didn't he ever feel this need before now (especially when you first begin dating, and at the outset of the relationship -- that's when males "court" the woman they love!)?
He's almost 30, yet I do know now that, really, I'm *pretty much* his first real relationship ever. He has been with a few other woman in long term relationships, but I get the impression that his relationship with them never really began to even encroach on how close we are, and have been for what feels like forever...
Who exactly are you trying to convince here???
You didn't answer the question about HIS reasoning for not giving gifts.
You came here for advice. Many people who have been long married and others who've had many relationships have offered it. I see A LOT of red flags in your subsequent posts.
"Wants to change" =/= "will change."
Given your "deep" love for him, you will need to decide if this is a deal-breaker for YOU.
But as a wise older female, take this advice and dating will be much easier.
You cannot change anyone.
Women tend to think they can change their man.
And why would you want to change anyone?
If they are not for you, then seek others who are.
He has to WANT to change his ways on his own. There's a good possibility that his underlying beliefs and values that led to his lack of action on gift-giving stem all the way back to his childhood and the environment in which he was raised. In other words, it's likely ingrained within him. Even if he wants to change, it may not be easy for him to do so, especially if he's in his 30s or older.
Normally I’m the local advocate for couples staying together. But this time likely it's better to split… not for the OP's sake, but for her boyfriend's. The man in question may be parsimonious in the sense of deep reluctance to indulge in frills. But frills they are! And if to the OP they're not frills, but something crucial, then this relationship has an impasse. If the OP already resents her boyfriend's behavior as if his faults were somehow serious or her case worthy of sympathy, then this relationship has an impasse.
Many bad habits can be broken, or good habits morph into bad ones. People quit smoking after decades of addiction. Sedentary loafers become marathon competitors. Championship swimmers take up drinking and become obese. Habits change, but values don't. The OP and her boyfriend have different values, with the issue of "gifts" being mere superficial symptom. To the boyfriend, Christmas is an inane boondoggle not worthy of celebration, let alone expenditure. To the OP, it's an appealing and pivotal cultural norm. Even culture itself can be changed. But veneration of the prevailing culture, vs. dismissal of it as silly bauble and indulgence? That probably can't change.
This is one of those times when I dearly wish that the opposing party to this story had a chance to post here. There's ample cause to offer that gentleman some advice.
OP, what do you two do in your spare time? Does it involve eating out, watching movies, going to plays/concerts/events? Is it dutch most of the time or does he pay more often since he makes more money?
I honestly don't think he will change his ways. In fact I think in the long run he might resent you for making him spend his money.
I don't think there's anything wrong with his choice of not gift giving as I hate the concept myself, especially as I've gotten older.
Just a note: gift giving does not have to mean spending money. If he truly wanted to give a gift and had a generous spirit even in spite of being frugal with money, he could've used a bit of creativity and came up with a gift that's meaningful and not expensive - how about making you a nice romantic dinner, or giving you a massage, or offering to do chores for a week, or making a nice framed photograph of the two of you or a CD of your favorite songs, there are plenty of things you can do. It's not about spending money but about putting in a bit of effort and thought to do something nice for your loved one.
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