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Old 01-22-2015, 02:31 AM
 
3,942 posts, read 3,887,584 times
Reputation: 4688

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Quote:
Originally Posted by LaceyTangerine View Post
Hi. I'm in need of some objective advice. My friends and my mother say I'm insane but...who knows.

I'm 24, met a guy 6 months ago through my older brother. He's 30. Great guy, very nice, attractive, tall, lots of friends and a varied dating history. We have fun but there just isn't any spark or chemistry. He's great on paper, tons of fun, and a really good person but there are no butterflies or anything. I KNOW other women have just lost their minds over this guy (according to my brother) but he was never ready to settle down until he felt he had enough life experience.

I'm probably handicapping myself because I keep comparing him to my ex of 2 years ago. My ex could make my heart pound with a smile. But obviously THAT didn't work out. Plus my mother wasn't nuts about the ex and she let me know all the time.

I like the guy, I truly do. We talk every day and hang out and have fun. We go out on dates, met each other's friends, gone away to a concert out of town. I have a blast but it isn't romantic to me.

Everyone keeps telling me that he's serious and wants a commitment now and I'd be insane not to leap at the chance but still...while I find him to be attractive I'm not ATTRACTED. Does that even make sense? I'm twisted up.
Maybe he's handsome with no personality, and no outside interest that's really that compelling besides the cliche stuff?

idk.. listen to yourself. Btw, "nice" is a pretense. Maybe give him a bit more of a chance? I'm assuming if you met him through your brother your brother may have some approval, meaning, he may be a decent person. No brother is going to let his sister date a sleaze unless he's a super sleaze himself, but that doesn't sound like the case.

Give him more time.. maybe you may feel the chemistry eventually. Perhaps you're not as attracted because he doesn't intellectually stimulate you enough?
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Old 01-22-2015, 02:38 AM
 
3,352 posts, read 2,149,140 times
Reputation: 2232
Quote:
Originally Posted by Vizualizax90 View Post
Lol....y'all ladies are hilarious.

This is why I love women who say "You guys all say there's no good girls but chase easy ones". Right but here's the difference, we chase easy ones for sex and then disregard the good ones who are unattractive FROM THE JUMP.

You all can have everything good on paper and that's still not good enough even after giving the chance. You say he's attractive which means physical interaction won't feel awkward or you'll have to visualize someone else. You say he treats you right and is ready for serious which means he won't play games like most guys your age. You say your mom Thinks well of him which won't lead to any problems for long term and clashing. You say you have fun with him which means its nice to see him.

And thats still not enough...lol

Please dont come back and complain about guy problems and how you haven't had good luck or a new one you met is treating you wrong because you sound like youre turning down something great.

Watch, when he gets in a relationship you're gonna start to have feelings for him and it'll be too late.

I say you get with him and UNTIL if and when he starts showing bad signs and doing wrong you leave.

Like I said, y'all girls are hilarious.
You are funny!
She is not attratived to him and she is 24 so there are plenty of guys out there.
I felt for op because I dated outside my race and I like chubby men so is not easy.
I am not going settle someone who I do not want to touch.
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Old 01-22-2015, 07:48 PM
 
578 posts, read 362,381 times
Reputation: 602
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sommie789 View Post
You are funny!
She is not attratived to him and she is 24 so there are plenty of guys out there.
I felt for op because I dated outside my race and I like chubby men so is not easy.
I am not going settle someone who I do not want to touch.
What you said is a different case. You admitted you liked one thing but didn't have it so it didn't work out which makes sense.

OP sounds like she has it all. And it is still not enough. You said you like chubby, so if you already gave it a chance with a guy who wasn't chubby and you realized its not for you then hey understandable.

The reason I laugh is because the same women like OP will be back to later on upset how she can't find a man, or that her next man is giving her issues, and then frustrated when she sounds like she has a great one. That's the person that orders a meal, gets exactly what they wanted and it's great, but they want to complain that its not good enough.

I made it clear, if he were to bring up issues and turn out to be a jerk okay, but until then she has what a lot of women are dreaming of finding.
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Old 01-22-2015, 08:00 PM
 
3,352 posts, read 2,149,140 times
Reputation: 2232
Quote:
Originally Posted by Vizualizax90 View Post
What you said is a different case. You admitted you liked one thing but didn't have it so it didn't work out which makes sense.

OP sounds like she has it all. And it is still not enough. You said you like chubby, so if you already gave it a chance with a guy who wasn't chubby and you realized its not for you then hey understandable.

The reason I laugh is because the same women like OP will be back to later on upset how she can't find a man, or that her next man is giving her issues, and then frustrated when she sounds like she has a great one. That's the person that orders a meal, gets exactly what they wanted and it's great, but they want to complain that its not good enough.

I made it clear, if he were to bring up issues and turn out to be a jerk okay, but until then she has what a lot of women are dreaming of finding.
She need be to honest with him and move on.
She is 24 , she has plenty of time.
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Old 01-22-2015, 08:03 PM
 
3,352 posts, read 2,149,140 times
Reputation: 2232
Quote:
Originally Posted by Vizualizax90 View Post
What you said is a different case. You admitted you liked one thing but didn't have it so it didn't work out which makes sense.

OP sounds like she has it all. And it is still not enough. You said you like chubby, so if you already gave it a chance with a guy who wasn't chubby and you realized its not for you then hey understandable.

The reason I laugh is because the same women like OP will be back to later on upset how she can't find a man, or that her next man is giving her issues, and then frustrated when she sounds like she has a great one. That's the person that orders a meal, gets exactly what they wanted and it's great, but they want to complain that its not good enough.

I made it clear, if he were to bring up issues and turn out to be a jerk okay, but until then she has what a lot of women are dreaming of finding.
People have tried pushing me into relationships and it never turned out good.
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Old 01-23-2015, 01:01 PM
 
578 posts, read 362,381 times
Reputation: 602
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sommie789 View Post
People have tried pushing me into relationships and it never turned out good.
It's not pushing if she says she's stayed with him for four months. She should have just left him after the first date if "oh he's nice...but not for me". The guy is probably the same guy he was four months ago and ow it's a problem? Smh
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Old 01-23-2015, 01:20 PM
 
3,352 posts, read 2,149,140 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Vizualizax90 View Post
It's not pushing if she says she's stayed with him for four months. She should have just left him after the first date if "oh he's nice...but not for me". The guy is probably the same guy he was four months ago and ow it's a problem? Smh
I agree she need to be blunt with him and family and friends
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Old 01-24-2015, 12:20 AM
 
2,273 posts, read 2,223,296 times
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The OP has not spelled out to all of us, in EXACTING defining language, just what "it" IS that makes a man give her butterflies or sparks versus a man who does NOT give her butterflies or sparks. You don't owe it to any of us to do so, but, if any of us are to have any chance of helping you find the insights you need to resolve this psychological dilemma you say you are in the midst of, how can we really understand what exactly you find lacking in this man you speak of if you don't spell it out in much more exacting language than has been provided thus far? "I don't have sparks for him", you say. And that is precisely because why? For if you knew precisely what gives you sparks and what doesn't, then you'd know that "He is not now and can never be the one for me!" or else you'd know "He 'seems' on the surface to be the one for me and yet I know in my heart-of-hearts that he isn't" and then you wouldn't be wasting time with him and would move on (and would tell your other family members that YOU are the one who has to live with whomever you choose to accept-- not them --and so they must back off & let you be your own person and make your own choices (for better or for worse) in this matter.

In summary: You say he is attractive in a visual and sensual sense (or enough so); he has a well-enough-developed personality to be pleasing enough to you; he is socially popular and socially connected; he has his act together in life in terms of having formed a gainful livelihood (i.e., he is not an aimless drifter in life or a lost soul and is economically responsible); he is fun (or fun enough) & interesting (or interesting enough) to be in the company of (or else you wouldn't have been spending all that time with him and talking with him every single day like you said you do; he is sensually appealing enough to you for you to not feel adverse to making out with him (I mean you didn't say "No way" to him about making out . . . so I imagine he is not physically/visually repulsive and, in fact, sounds like he could prospectively even bring you to climax without too much effort); and so on. And yet, by what you say, he lacks that "secret ingredient X". And just what IS that "secret ingredient X" that he lacks? Spell it out for all of us in descriptive and full language.

After all, remember that you are on an Internet forum and operating under a pseudonym here . . . so NO ONE knows who you are and never will know who you are. So it is perfectly OK for you to open up here and spell it out for us. Your anonymity is assured. The question(s) to answer here that will help us all understand what your real or perceived dilemma is is: "To YOU specifically, what makes a man instill 'sparks' in you versus a man who simply doesn't instill 'sparks" in you?" Please aim to be verbosely descriptive and specific . . . not vague, fuzzy, and ambiguous. In coming up with and descriptively verbalizing answers to these questions here, you are ALSO answering them for YOURSELF (and therefore contributing to resolving this psychological dilemma you say you are in the midst of). For if there was no ambiguity in your mind about this matter, you wouldn't have any dilemma in the first place. It would be rather clear to you what you should do or shouldn't do in terms of your OWN best interests.

Examples:

  1. He is too "predictable" and "by-the-book". That is, he has a picture-perfect life but lack edginess and "stepping outside the envelope". He just "plays by the rules" all the time.
  2. He lacks "swagger" and "gutsiness". He doesn't sweep me off my feet but does everything "by the book" (i.e., oh so properly).
  3. He doesn't have passionate views and convictions (although I don't want a polemicist or strident person). For instance, Bill Maher is funny and entertaining yet gutsy and bold and puts his views on the line and, although an entertainer and comedian, is just as much sought out for his opinions and views on politics, society, culture, current affairs (domestic and foreign), et al. That is, he just as much (if not more so) functions as a respected public intelllectual (even those who don't agree with all his views or even any of his views respect him as a worthy opponent or debater). You wish your man had the "edge" that a Bill Maher does (for instance) and not always be so prim and proper and "by the book").
And so on. Presumably, you get the picture of what I mean by "spelling it out for us" . . . and, in the process, you are spelling it out for YOURSELF and therefore conceptualizing in your own mind the stuff that you will come to understand that you are truly made of. And therefore, the ambiguity (which is what your dilemma is, at its heart . . . or so it seems) will clear up.

Last edited by UsAll; 01-24-2015 at 12:51 AM..
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Old 01-24-2015, 12:23 AM
 
3,272 posts, read 3,283,715 times
Reputation: 4568
Another woman stuck on her ex.
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Old 01-24-2015, 12:31 AM
 
Location: NYC
11,843 posts, read 7,742,973 times
Reputation: 12829
Why can't women just close their eyes, focus on a guy's mind and figure out whether you can dig the guy or not. Looks are overrated. If you can't find any chemistry than skip him.
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