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I belong to the camp of "let's talk and see if we can fix the issues", instead of passive-aggressively sneaking behind someone's back to boost an insecure and conflict-avoidant ego.I have been cheated on, and it is an instant trust killer in any relationship.
The last relationship I had, I had no clue that we were "unhappy". In hindsight, I learned he has been straying for a significant amount of time already, while our arrangement was that of exclusivity. He noticeably withdrew from our sex life, and when asked, blamed it on the meds he was on.
So yes, the cheater needs to own their actions 100%. There is ALWAYS another solution to the problem.
I've seen people cheat for all sorts of reasons. I've seen couples split up and I've seen couples stay together. I've seen people who never knew they were cheated on. I don't really think it's possible to make any conclusions based on what I've seen except that every situation is different.
This has been my observation as well. I have a friend who is dealing with a divorce right now where her ex cheated. He's a jackass, but I think she was too complacent and he was having issues she didn't pick up on. These things really don't occur in a vacuum.
As an outside observer, what I've taken away from things like this is a reminder to never ignore my marriage.
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I've been cheated on. I don't want to hear why she did it, I just ended the relationship. I'm not going to solve anything with a cheater.
You were also with her for a few weeks, not a year or 20 years. You didn't have children. You weren't in love with her. Cheating isn't always a black and white issue.
You were also with her for a few weeks, not a year or 20 years. You didn't have children. You weren't in love with her. Cheating isn't always a black and white issue.
I'm not saying cheating isn't wrong - I'm saying that it's not always a black and white situation. You may not be capable of understanding how things might be more complicated because you are only basing this in your personal experience - which is very limited. And while I can't say for sure that I would stay with my husband if he cheated on me, depending on the circumstances, I can't say for sure that I would leave him. We've been together for 13 years and we have 2 children together. It's not the same thing as being with someone for a few weeks.
I'm not saying cheating isn't wrong - I'm saying that it's not always a black and white situation. You may not be capable of understanding how things might be more complicated because you are only basing this in your personal experience - which is very limited. And while I can't say for sure that I would stay with my husband if he cheated on me, depending on the circumstances, I can't say for sure that I would leave him. We've been together for 13 years and we have 2 children together. It's not the same thing as being with someone for a few weeks.
You're really invested and really love him. I can see why.
There are no right or wrong answers, and my intentions were not to imply that. Every relationship is different, with varying levels of commitment/love, so it's impossible to really have a firm stance in the matter. While I had a firm stance at one time in my life, I saw that my attitudes changed. While the act alone is not excusable, in some cases, a couple can work past it, and actually build from it. What I don't get is when people only think the cheater is at fault. It's a relationship, and both people are responsible for both good and bad times. Only owning up to the good things, is very narrow minded.
I've been cheated on. I don't want to hear why she did it, I just ended the relationship. I'm not going to solve anything with a cheater.
That is understandable if there isn't much invested in the relationship. However, when a couple has a lot invested, in years, and memories, the single act isn't something that can't be worked out. I feel that when it happens, it's caused when the couple is too comfortable in the relationship, and take each other for granted. If both can see the role they played in it, there is no reason they can't learn and improve their relationship.
I wouldn't want to hear why it happened, either. If you can explain yourself now, once you're busted, you should have explained yourself before it even happened. You chose to not do this, so you own your actions 100%.
Cheating happens, regardless for what reasons. But in all cases, there is a Plan A.
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