Cheating...perspective from both sides...work on it, or don't (wives, boyfriend)

[rumpa]

Originally Posted by mrs.mhernandez

I agree with you, as this is what I am going through right now. My husband and I have been married only 1 year, and I am already considering divorce. He did not care to show me he loved me by planning dates or gifts on holidays/anniversaries, will only go where he wants to eat/drink, accused me of having a non-existant lover, and punched a hole in our bedroom wall after I accidentally locked him out once. He told me he hates counseling and barely agreed to go this week so I am not hopeful.

In the meantime, there's a guy I have known for years who wants to be with me. I have been seeing him at lunch since my husband punched the hole in our wall and broke my heart. I will not kiss or have sex with him because I am married, but I know that inevitably, I will be getting divorced soon so I don't want to write everyone I meet off in hopes of saving something broken.

I've brought up our marriage issues to my husband and he has not fixed them....he hasn't even fixed the hole he punched in the wall if that is any indication. So here I am, going to secret lunches and praying for a decision on if I can stick it out with an angry husband that I still love or move on and be embarrassed that my marriage of only one year ended...

As the poster quoted stated, oftentimes the cheater brings up the problems and is ignored. I literally cried to my husband this week telling him I just wanted to fix things in counseling and he told me off saying "you gonna go cry to the counselor every time we have a fight? if so this wont work." It's not as cut and dry as people make things out to be. Divorce is a complicated and twisted process...

How can you fix things with your husband if you're having secret lunches with another man?

You don't want to fix things. You want an excuse to do whatever you want to do. If you were invested in your relationship with your husband you'd be focusing on that, not other men. Do him a favor and just leave.

[RedZin]

Originally Posted by rumpa

No excuses on cheating. If a relationship is bad, leave it.

I have lost friends because they decided to have affairs and I decided they weren't the kind of people I wanted in my life. Cheaters are disgusting and you can't trust them.

I'll buy this line if you tell me that you ditch EVERYONE who ever does anything dishonest. No matter the circumstances.

[mrs.mhernandez]

Originally Posted by rumpa

How can you fix things with your husband if you're having secret lunches with another man?

You don't want to fix things. You want an excuse to do whatever you want to do. If you were invested in your relationship with your husband you'd be focusing on that, not other men. Do him a favor and just leave.

Oh I will leave. Last night we were supposed to go to a bar to have some fun. Of course, he changes his mind and is "too tired." He said we could stay home and watch the new episodes of Bates Motel on Netflix. Instead of doing that, he spends another hour on the phone to his family in Mexico. This is all he does, is call people there!!! I turned away and played on my phone and when he asked if I was bored I said "of course when you are always talking to people on the phone!"

This morning of course he went back to work leaving me at home alone. When I got out of bed this morning I went to the bathroom and saw clumps of dirt all over the floor! I've told him at least 20 times to leave his boots by the front door. He works construction for God's sake! I had spent about an hour/hour and a half yesterday cleaning the entire house. Not only that but he tracked the dirt through our bedroom carpet, living room carpet, and into the kitchen. I'm done!!! When he gets home from work, he's recleaning the entire house.

And like I've said, I have not kissed, touched sexually, or had sex with this other man. My husband has many female best friends and used to go to the bar alone with them. It's called trusting your partner. But at this point, i'm done and I don't think my husband will ever grow up. I'm tired of working full time, doing all cooking and cleaning, and never going out of the house except to my job

[49ersfan27]

Originally Posted by mrs.mhernandez

I agree with you, as this is what I am going through right now. My husband and I have been married only 1 year, and I am already considering divorce. He did not care to show me he loved me by planning dates or gifts on holidays/anniversaries, will only go where he wants to eat/drink, accused me of having a non-existant lover, and punched a hole in our bedroom wall after I accidentally locked him out once. He told me he hates counseling and barely agreed to go this week so I am not hopeful.

In the meantime, there's a guy I have known for years who wants to be with me. I have been seeing him at lunch since my husband punched the hole in our wall and broke my heart. I will not kiss or have sex with him because I am married, but I know that inevitably, I will be getting divorced soon so I don't want to write everyone I meet off in hopes of saving something broken.

I've brought up our marriage issues to my husband and he has not fixed them....he hasn't even fixed the hole he punched in the wall if that is any indication. So here I am, going to secret lunches and praying for a decision on if I can stick it out with an angry husband that I still love or move on and be embarrassed that my marriage of only one year ended...

As the poster quoted stated, oftentimes the cheater brings up the problems and is ignored. I literally cried to my husband this week telling him I just wanted to fix things in counseling and he told me off saying "you gonna go cry to the counselor every time we have a fight? if so this wont work." It's not as cut and dry as people make things out to be. Divorce is a complicated and twisted process...

Do your husband a favor and leave him. You want to have your cake and eat it too. Women like you can never be trusted.

[rego00123]

Originally Posted by mrs.mhernandez

Oh I will leave. Last night we were supposed to go to a bar to have some fun. Of course, he changes his mind and is "too tired." He said we could stay home and watch the new episodes of Bates Motel on Netflix. Instead of doing that, he spends another hour on the phone to his family in Mexico. This is all he does, is call people there!!! I turned away and played on my phone and when he asked if I was bored I said "of course when you are always talking to people on the phone!"

This morning of course he went back to work leaving me at home alone. When I got out of bed this morning I went to the bathroom and saw clumps of dirt all over the floor! I've told him at least 20 times to leave his boots by the front door. He works construction for God's sake! I had spent about an hour/hour and a half yesterday cleaning the entire house. Not only that but he tracked the dirt through our bedroom carpet, living room carpet, and into the kitchen. I'm done!!! When he gets home from work, he's recleaning the entire house.

And like I've said, I have not kissed, touched sexually, or had sex with this other man. My husband has many female best friends and used to go to the bar alone with them. It's called trusting your partner. But at this point, i'm done and I don't think my husband will ever grow up. I'm tired of working full time, doing all cooking and cleaning, and never going out of the house except to my job

You really don't get it...

Good luck to you.

[rumpa]

Originally Posted by RedZin

I'll buy this line if you tell me that you ditch EVERYONE who ever does anything dishonest. No matter the circumstances.

Not every lie is a direct betrayal of your loved ones or destroys a family.

I don't want those people near me.

[no-one9]

When I was younger the idea of cheating seemed so terrible in my mind. Now I realize cheating is a symptom of something wrong in the relationship. Sure you have people who are just selfish and might not ever be faithful however I think life is much grayer now and not so black and white. I don't think most relationships will survive cheating though. There will always be something lost once you cross that line and even with forgiveness you did betray your partner.

[vigueur2014]

Originally Posted by hawaiiancoconut

Cheaters are emotionally weak people, and so are the people who tolorate it.

That's just the sad truth.

I've only heard that, from people who have been cheated on a few or more times. And from those who haven't had a relationship that was really worth the effort.


The truth is, that some people have a history with cheaters. They seem to find partners who are unable to resist. Instead of noticing that it's a problem within, they look at the cheater as the source of all guilt. People with healthy relationships, don't get cheated on. They share an open level of communication, that prevents that from happening. When you get cheated on you are not present in the relationship. You are unaware that your behavior, is not what your partner wants. Really how do people allow it to happen? Refuse to see problems with the relationship? Ignorance is bliss? If getting cheated on is a shock, you are checked out with your relationship...

The truth is, that some relationships are very good, even after someone cheats. Just because a couple can work and forgive, doesn't qualify them as being weak.

[hawaiiancoconut]

Originally Posted by vigueur2014

I've only heard that, from people who have been cheated on a few or more times. And from those who haven't had a relationship that was really worth the effort.


The truth is, that some people have a history with cheaters. They seem to find partners who are unable to resist. Instead of noticing that it's a problem within, they look at the cheater as the source of all guilt. People with healthy relationships, don't get cheated on. They share an open level of communication, that prevents that from happening. When you get cheated on you are not present in the relationship. You are unaware that your behavior, is not what your partner wants. Really how do people allow it to happen? Refuse to see problems with the relationship? Ignorance is bliss? If getting cheated on is a shock, you are checked out with your relationship...

The truth is, that some relationships are very good, even after someone cheats. Just because a couple can work and forgive, doesn't qualify them as being weak.

Weak!

Sorry, if my statement hit close to home

[dejaentendu19]

I can't give this site credit for my ability to communicate, but I can give it credit for me telling my wife is she is ever unhappy she needs to express it to me and I will be willing to listen. I think most of the time when a spouse cheats they really aren't in a good relationship unless it's a "one night too many drinks and the girl looked like Jessica Alba (or Christian Gray for the women that like that book)" thing. That does happen, but most of the time it's a couple that doesn't communicate well and it's well beyond recoverable when the cheating happens.