U.S. CitiesCity-Data Forum Index
Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Relationships
 [Register]
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
View detailed profile (Advanced) or search
site with Google Custom Search

Search Forums  (Advanced)
 
 
Old 01-22-2015, 10:01 AM
 
16,724 posts, read 13,715,967 times
Reputation: 40996

Advertisements

Quote:
Originally Posted by ConfusedAndHurt12345 View Post
I hope none of you judge me for what I am about to say, I am here looking for advice, as I am already suffering terribly because of what has been going on with me. I am not looking for anyone to pity me, but am looking for people with similar experiences, and to see if there is a chance of things becoming better.

I met my ex over 3 years ago, we got along really well. Became best friends, inseparable, did everything together, spent a lot of time together travelled, met each others families, my family loved him and his family loved me. I wanted to marry him, have children with him and become old with him. He shared my thoughts. He didn't rush as much as I did ( I am 28, so I guess I set that "biological clock as most girls at my age do.) but lately, we talked about our future together. He adored me and so did I.

About a yr ago, he was diagnosed with something(rather not discuss what the condition was) it wasn't life threatening, which is a good thing. I stood by him and supported him, obv cause he meant the world to me (& still does). His condition lasted for about a year including him having surgery and fixing this problem, but it just took so much emotional toll on me. I feel like while he was going through his issue, we never really tended to our own relationship in its own special ways like we did before, we didn't cuddle much or at all, we weren't physically intimate (no sex for 6 mos), etc.., I value those things in a relationship as those things connect me with the person I am with. I am not trying to be selfish, but when months & months go by without those things, (we couldn't have sex, but to me it isn't just about sex, its about me connecting with him on another physical level like cuddling, and just being silly with each other) it can get frustrating. Especially, when they're so caught up with their issue that they forget to tend to their relationship with you (it takes 2 people to make it work). Don't get me wrong, we did things together, hung out and spent time, but I was just craving other types of connections with him. We had abs no privacy because at that time he needed to be taken care of, so his mom had to move in with him to do little things around the house. But she didn't let me go over (which pissed me off and made me feel unwanted) but she's just a little weird like that. she doesn't like people around even if she likes them. I started resenting him for not being strong enough to stand up to his mom about bringing me into HIS own apartment, I started resenting him for being caught up in his issue so much that he forgot to tend to us sometimes, and in the end, I just felt like my "in love" feeling was gone. I was nervous around him and had anxiety because I was not being honest and I was just so bothered by it, I felt like I was betraying him. He tried to understand me and stick by me hoping things would change, but things did not change. I still feel anxiety and depressed when around him, longing for my feelings to come back. Not knowing if they ever will is what drove me insane, so he decided maybe it's best we end it.

I have nightmares, don't sleep well, I don't eat because I cant even swallow food. I am not sure what it is, I am driving myself insane. I know I will never find anyone like him (I have dated my share of guys and no one was ever like him.) I want to be "in love" but Idk if I am making it worse by "forcing" myself. Has it happened to anyone before? did feelings come back? Please help, any advice will be greatly appreciated. I don't want anyone else, I only want my "in love" feelings to come back for this man, no one else. I want my anxiety to leave me alone.
Bottom line? He chose his mother over you. Move on with your life, you did nothing wrong.
Quick reply to this message

 
Old 01-22-2015, 10:26 AM
 
3,352 posts, read 2,147,788 times
Reputation: 2232
Quote:
Originally Posted by ConfusedAndHurt12345 View Post
Thank you for your time, not exactly the response I was looking for, but still appreciate your time.
Do you mind telling me how I am obsessing? or what do you mean by taking care of myself?
Thank you in advance.
You are not sleeping well and have aneixty issues
You wrote a long post about the guy.
Quick reply to this message
 
Old 01-22-2015, 10:33 AM
 
16 posts, read 11,198 times
Reputation: 13
Quote:
Originally Posted by convextech View Post
Bottom line? He chose his mother over you. Move on with your life, you did nothing wrong.
Well, not exactly chose her. she was a single mom, so he has to respect her wishes. I mean, I just wish he was little more stronger to defend my relationship with him when it came to me visiting him at his apartment...
despite all this, he was still willing to give it another try even after I told him I didn't feel the same anymore, this is why my heart is breaking in pieces... I am not here to be judged. I feel like mostly all of you are judging me.
Quick reply to this message
 
Old 01-22-2015, 10:38 AM
 
16,724 posts, read 13,715,967 times
Reputation: 40996
Quote:
Originally Posted by ConfusedAndHurt12345 View Post
Well, not exactly chose her. she was a single mom, so he has to respect her wishes. I mean, I just wish he was little more stronger to defend my relationship with him when it came to me visiting him at his apartment...
despite all this, he was still willing to give it another try even after I told him I didn't feel the same anymore, this is why my heart is breaking in pieces... I am not here to be judged. I feel like mostly all of you are judging me.
I didn't see anyone here judging you; they are all saying simply walk away and some even suggested therapy for the ailments you listed.
Quick reply to this message
 
Old 01-22-2015, 10:43 AM
 
16 posts, read 11,198 times
Reputation: 13
Quote:
Originally Posted by convextech View Post
I didn't see anyone here judging you; they are all saying simply walk away and some even suggested therapy for the ailments you listed.
Sorry, I didn't mean to get emotional. I have been very emotional about this whole thing for past two months now and its gotten much worse as I am not sure if I made a huge mistake.

You're saying to try going to therapy.. but how would that help my relationship? Does therapy actually change your feelings towards people? Do you know anyone that has gotten through it and rose above and remained with their significant other? This person DOES really mean the world to me.
Quick reply to this message
 
Old 01-22-2015, 10:50 AM
 
Location: My House
33,139 posts, read 26,965,443 times
Reputation: 24487
Quote:
Originally Posted by ConfusedAndHurt12345 View Post
Well, not exactly chose her. she was a single mom, so he has to respect her wishes. I mean, I just wish he was little more stronger to defend my relationship with him when it came to me visiting him at his apartment...
despite all this, he was still willing to give it another try even after I told him I didn't feel the same anymore, this is why my heart is breaking in pieces... I am not here to be judged. I feel like mostly all of you are judging me.
You likely feel that way because your emotional state is more fragile than it should be.

Nobody is judging you. My advice was 100% constructive. I'm a big advocate of fixing the problem instead of obsessing and dwelling over it.

And his mother being a single mom? That means absolutely nothing in the grand scheme of "respecting wishes"... nothing at all.

He's an adult (I presume), so his life is is own to live. His mother should respect that.

Sounds like they have some boundary issues. But, that aside...

All this "heart breaking in pieces" "nightmares" "can't eat, can't swallow food" stuff is NOT good for you.

And it's excessive. This relationship fizzled out over the course of an entire year. It's not like it just happened out of the blue. Surely, you must see that.

He was willing to give you another chance, so what happened that didn't make it work? Was it his mother? Lingering effects of his illness?

What about him makes you "nervous" when you're around him? My guess is that you just don't look at him the same way you used to.

And there is nothing wrong with that.

There are plenty of other people out in this world with whom you could connect and have a meaningful, loving relationship.

But, not if you're obsessing over something that didn't work out.

You're not the first human who couldn't handle dating someone with a long-term illness. Don't beat yourself up. You tried.

Sounds like he didn't help much with letting his mother take over and restricting your access to him in such a way as to practically guarantee that you two wouldn't stay together.

You were with him for 3 years. That's long enough that you should've had a more front-and-center place in his life. I can tell you that after 3 years of dating, my husband and I were in the type of relationship where if he needed medical treatment aftercare, I'd have been the one providing it.

And we were not engaged until we'd been together for 4 years, so there ya go.

There is a very good chance it wasn't going to work out anyway.
__________________
When in doubt, check it out: FAQ
Quick reply to this message
 
Old 01-22-2015, 10:53 AM
 
Location: My House
33,139 posts, read 26,965,443 times
Reputation: 24487
Quote:
Originally Posted by ConfusedAndHurt12345 View Post
Sorry, I didn't mean to get emotional. I have been very emotional about this whole thing for past two months now and its gotten much worse as I am not sure if I made a huge mistake.

You're saying to try going to therapy.. but how would that help my relationship? Does therapy actually change your feelings towards people? Do you know anyone that has gotten through it and rose above and remained with their significant other? This person DOES really mean the world to me.
Therapy would help you come to grips with this situation. Therapy cannot make you fall back in love with someone.

Do you realize how irrational you sound?

If he really did mean as much to you as you describe, you wouldn't be here asking us about this... you'd be with him.

I'm guessing you care a great deal about the guy, but you just don't see him as a romantic partner anymore and I don't know why on earth you're trying so hard to force it, but you sound like you need help. You really, truly do.
__________________
When in doubt, check it out: FAQ
Quick reply to this message
 
Old 01-22-2015, 11:07 AM
 
16 posts, read 11,198 times
Reputation: 13
Quote:
Originally Posted by RedZin View Post
Therapy would help you come to grips with this situation. Therapy cannot make you fall back in love with someone.

Do you realize how irrational you sound?

If he really did mean as much to you as you describe, you wouldn't be here asking us about this... you'd be with him.

I'm guessing you care a great deal about the guy, but you just don't see him as a romantic partner anymore and I don't know why on earth you're trying so hard to force it, but you sound like you need help. You really, truly do.
Thank you for your input. well, I am forcing it because it was special. And also, I have heard of others going through this, but working it out and staying together in the end. I just want to know if someone, on this forum went through what I am going through, and rose above and remained with that person. I know, you may be right, I may need help. but I promise you, I am not as crazy as you think I am. I am just a girl who had something very special with this person and wishes it was back there again. He has been great to me in all the other aspects. I don't know if I made a small thing into a big thing and that is why I feel the way I do? Maybe I let it become much bigger of an issue than it was supposed to be..
Quick reply to this message
 
Old 01-22-2015, 11:10 AM
 
16 posts, read 11,198 times
Reputation: 13
Quote:
Originally Posted by RedZin View Post
You likely feel that way because your emotional state is more fragile than it should be.

Nobody is judging you. My advice was 100% constructive. I'm a big advocate of fixing the problem instead of obsessing and dwelling over it.

And his mother being a single mom? That means absolutely nothing in the grand scheme of "respecting wishes"... nothing at all.

He's an adult (I presume), so his life is is own to live. His mother should respect that.

Sounds like they have some boundary issues. But, that aside...

All this "heart breaking in pieces" "nightmares" "can't eat, can't swallow food" stuff is NOT good for you.

And it's excessive. This relationship fizzled out over the course of an entire year. It's not like it just happened out of the blue. Surely, you must see that.

He was willing to give you another chance, so what happened that didn't make it work? Was it his mother? Lingering effects of his illness?

What about him makes you "nervous" when you're around him? My guess is that you just don't look at him the same way you used to.

And there is nothing wrong with that.

There are plenty of other people out in this world with whom you could connect and have a meaningful, loving relationship.

But, not if you're obsessing over something that didn't work out.

You're not the first human who couldn't handle dating someone with a long-term illness. Don't beat yourself up. You tried.

Sounds like he didn't help much with letting his mother take over and restricting your access to him in such a way as to practically guarantee that you two wouldn't stay together.

You were with him for 3 years. That's long enough that you should've had a more front-and-center place in his life. I can tell you that after 3 years of dating, my husband and I were in the type of relationship where if he needed medical treatment aftercare, I'd have been the one providing it.

And we were not engaged until we'd been together for 4 years, so there ya go.

There is a very good chance it wasn't going to work out anyway.
This is someone that has been there for me through thick and thin. He's done so much for me and with me. He's helped me with so much and he has helped me accomplish so much in life that I would probably not be able to accomplish on my own.. he was my best friend that I turned to for three years and vice versa. I am afraid I may never find anyone like him, nor do I want anyone. I know there are plenty of fish in the sea, I only want that one fish.
Quick reply to this message
 
Old 01-22-2015, 11:59 AM
 
Location: Fuquay Varina
4,239 posts, read 6,205,448 times
Reputation: 10092
Quote:
Originally Posted by ConfusedAndHurt12345 View Post
This is someone that has been there for me through thick and thin. He's done so much for me and with me. He's helped me with so much and he has helped me accomplish so much in life that I would probably not be able to accomplish on my own.. he was my best friend that I turned to for three years and vice versa. I am afraid I may never find anyone like him, nor do I want anyone. I know there are plenty of fish in the sea, I only want that one fish.

If he was all that then why would you have left him when he was recovering from an illness?


I think you should let him find someone who appreciates him for what he is and what he does.
Quick reply to this message
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.

Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.


 
Please update this thread with any new information or opinions. This open thread is still read by thousands of people, so we encourage all additional points of view.

Quick Reply
Message:
Over $104,000 in prizes was already given out to active posters on our forum and additional giveaways are planned!

Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Relationships
Follow City-Data.com founder on our Forum or

All times are GMT -6.

2005-2018, Advameg, Inc.

City-Data.com - Archive 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35 - Top