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I will be 37 next month, and have been divorced for 10 years. I have no children, and I don't want any. I would also prefer dating men without children, but it's not a deal breaker if they have one. I have lived in this Godforsaken Midwestern city for 10 years, have owned a home here for 6, and I have had the WORST luck in dating that you could possibly imagine. I've dated many guys for up to 3 months max, but only 2 guys for longer (one for 10 months, one for almost 2 years). I just don't feel like I fit in here, and can't wait to leave.
The problem? I'm underwater on my house, and I can't leave until I sell it. My plan is to put it on the market next summer (a year and a half from now) and just try to take out a personal loan for the $15k I'll still owe on it.
The reason this pertains to the Relationships board is that I'm in a conundrum. Obviously, I'm getting older by the minute. I'm told often that I look much younger than almost 37, and I'm not really attracted to men in their 40s. So naturally, the longer I wait to move, the more slim the pickings are going to be in finding a decent guy in the dating world. But I'm lonely, and I'm a relationship person. I don't date casually. And I don't want to meet someone here that will tie me to this state and keep me from moving. But the idea of being alone for the next year and a half or more makes me want to slit my throat. And then of course, the older I am when I get to my new state, the older the men that will be in the dating pool, and fewer.
So what's a girl to do in a catch 22 like this? This house is holding me hostage from being able to get on with my life, but there's not much I can do about it right now. I've attempted twice to do a long distance thing with men in the place I will be moving to, but they both got bored with it after a few months and me flying out to see them only once.
List your house as a rental, hire a property manager to handle tenants' needs, and move now. (Or when you are ready and able.) If you break even on a monthly basis, you're doing fine. Even if you come out of pocket, what is your time worth? Can you put a monthly dollar amount to that?
The problem with that is that my house is in a not so desirable part of town. I've worked in property management for 8 years, and I've seen what people do to damage rentals. Thousands of dollars, even in good neighborhoods, even when they have good credit and references. Financially, it would be a bad move for me to try to rent it, because then I'd be out the amount I'm underwater, plus the cost of fixing the place back up and court fees, etc. Renting always sounds good in theory, but I've lived the consequences through work for the last 8 years, and I have no desire to make life harder on myself.
Understandable. I am aware owning an income property is a challenge and even in nicer neighborhoods renters can be a real drag. I live in a pretty nice neighborhood, but the renters across the street from me are complete garbage.
If the quantifiable challenges with renting are greater than the qualifiable advantages of pursuing what you want given your concerns about time then you have your answer. Stick to your plan but keep your eyes peeled for opportunities to adjust if they present themselves.
If you can't rent nor sell and you don't want to find some guy that will tie you down to your town your only choices are meeting someone from a place that you'd like to move to in the future and happens to be spending a year or so in your corner of the world for work but will move back eventually or remain single.
Of course, first choice is the best but most unlikely.
To be completely honest it sounds like you're pretty miserable with your life, waiting another year and a half sounds just like wasting time and pointless suffering, I don't think $15,000 are worth that. You're also 37 and don't feel attracted to guys in their 40's, another 18 months wait won't make it any easier for you in the dating pool, so just take the financial hit and move already.
Interesting dilemma, Ms. Jones. Mine is the male counterpart to yours, but arguably worse. My house is paid off, but I have a unique career opportunity in my particular benighted Midwestern town, and likely won't leave for decades. However, what is the acute detriment in dating men in their 40s? I have no qualms about dating women a half-decade my senior (which would place them in their late-40s). That however has not broadened my own options.
To where do you plan to move, and how can you be assured that locale is the primary determinant of dating-options?
A year and a half pass quickly, and life is so very long. If all that stands between Ms. Jones and better romantic prospects is short passage of time, I recommend letting time take its course.
Location: RI, MA, VT, WI, IL, CA, IN (that one sucked), KY
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Don't date casually, get a FB to satisfy the itch, and get rid of the house as soon as you can even at a loss.
You'll be 38+ in 1.5 years and if you don't find guys even a couple years older (drop the I look younger stuff, most of us hear it) the upside is that there will be even more younger men than before... and each year you are younger there will be fewer older and more younger men.
I don't understand how you can rule out an entire pool of men (in their 40s). This is just baffling to me!
Right? Later 30s, divorced and no kid plans?
What are the odds that a younger guy wants that?
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