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You're expecting her to accurately describe behavior that you would consider it abnormal when she sees it as normal. How can you recognize abnormalities when you believe it to be normal?
Again, how is this any different than a non-bipolar person? Suppose you meet someone who's divorced. You ask about her divorce and she says she did nothing wrong. But it turns out she cheated. So was she lying or does she really think she did nothing wrong? Maybe she rationalized it by saying her husband cheated on her first or just wasn't satisfying her. Or how about a woman who spends too much and never saves. You and I would look at such behavior as troubling. But she may not. I've met women who justify massive spending sprees by saying "I'm a woman and women need new clothes." You think they're joking, but these women truly believe it. So the point I'm making is that everyone, bipolar or not, won't always see their behavior as abnormal even though the rest of us do.
She is in meltdown phase, you two argue, she calls the police and tells them you are beating her.
You are arrested.
Goodbye career.
Hello penal system.
Follow that rabbit hole if you want but I think you are going to get your head handed to you.
^^^this^^^
I forgot all about this... I must have blocked it out. Very true and real concern! One of the reasons I left as I could see the writing on the wall, it was going to just be a matter of time. I was the one getting hit and kicked and shoved around but being a guy a single call to the police and with some minor bipolar-acting ability, my partner could/would reverse the story to save face with the police! Way too much drama, way too much risk!
As soon as I saw the potential (and heard a related threat from my partner!) for a set up like this I made an exit to protect myself and my family! Some guys aren't so lucky with good timing. To the OP: don't risk it!
I'd like to weigh in here if I may. To the OP....I applaud you for trying with this relationship. My DS was diagnosed at age 23. He is now 26. He is bipolar 1. I am a nurse and worked in psychiatric nursing for many years when he was little. I have watched this illness turn his life and mine upside down. He was in patient once (when first diagnosed) and we've been thru at least 5 med changes since 2011. He just went thru a manic phase ( no sleep, can't stop moving around, hyper) he is now on the down side ( constant sleeping) I wish I could convey how as a Mom this breaks my heart. He's a great guy. He helps me with everything. (I am widowed and disabled) but there are more times than not, his patience levels are off. He gets short and his concentration levels are off. He's tried working, but it doesn't last. It truly is a lot to deal with. He talks all the time about wanting to meet someone and get married and have kids. I know that is highly unlikely. I've tried delicately to tell him it wouldn't be fair as this gene runs on both his biological Dad's and my side of the family ( though neither my parents nor my siblings or me have it). I hope it works for you, but please go in knowing it is a tremendous amount of work and love. She's lucky to have met someone understanding. I wish you all the best!
Last edited by Jrsygrl51; 01-29-2015 at 11:42 PM..
Reason: Adding info
No, actually it's called having an open mind and not prejudging someone until you have enough information to form an opinion. I'm not in love with this person and this isn't a case of my hormones clouding my judgment. Maybe if this person hadn't already been a friend, I wouldn't be so willing to try this. But because she is a friend and someone I already trusted, I feel like she deserves better from me than outright dismissal. I don't pretend to know everything about bipolar disorder. If I did, I wouldn't have started this thread. But what I do know is that everyone responds to an illness differently. Some are better at managing it than others. Some respond better to medication than others. Some have a more severe case than others. This woman I'm dating has already begun taking steps to help manage her illness. She's changed jobs to something far less stressful. She's begun exercising to help manage her moods. She's reached out to friends and family for help instead of just trying to handle it on her own.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Jrsygrl51
I hope it works for you, but please go in knowing it is a tremendous amount of work and love. She's lucky to have met someone understanding. I wish you all the best!
Thank you. But truthfully, I'm not looking for someone to pat me on the back and say I'm a great guy for trying this. Really, I just wanted to get more information on what this illness is, what I should be on the lookout for, etc. It would be no different than if I asked "what's it like to date a single parent?" or "what's it like to date someone of a different race?" What I find particularly annoying, though not surprising, is how certain people on this board get all pissy if you don't follow their advice and start making comments about what a fool you are and so forth. I've offered advice to others on this forum, only to have them reject it. But I never mocked them for doing so. I just shrugged my shoulders and said "he's an adult so let him do what he wants." As I've said before, I'm not deluding myself into thinking this is going to work out. It could all fall apart by next week. And it might not even be because of her illness. Maybe we'll just grow tired of one another, maybe she'll meet someone one else she likes better, maybe she'll turn out to be a Republican. The point is that I need to see the real person, not the person people present in the early dating stage, before I can declare that this was a mistake. No matter who you start dating, you're always taking a gamble. Will this person end up hurting me? Will this person turn out to be married? Will this person suddenly reveal themselves to be *****? Who knows? I could play it safe and stay single. But I'm one of those people who can't look back and always wonder what if. I need to know that I tried and failed at something rather than be left wishing I had tried.
-Don't move in together before three solid years of dating.
-If you have a trusted long term friend give them the right to let you know in no uncertain terms that things are turning bad on you. As mentioned before you can get buried under the alt reality of things.
-Kids? Adopt.
Good luck, keep you head screwed on straight, keep a separate bank account, keep a friend who's couch you can use and keep the number of an attorney in you phone.
-Don't move in together before three solid years of dating.
-If you have a trusted long term friend give them the right to let you know in no uncertain terms that things are turning bad on you. As mentioned before you can get buried under the alt reality of things.
-Kids? Adopt.
Good luck, keep you head screwed on straight, keep a separate bank account, keep a friend who's couch you can use and keep the number of an attorney in you phone.
Thanks. I wasn't planning to move in with her anytime soon so I won't need a friend's couch to crash on. I figure that by the time I'm even considering moving in, I'd have witnessed her manic and depressive episodes. I've already told friends about her so if things go bad, I'm sure they'll speak up. I don't want kids and I don't think she does either so that's not an issue. And I would never share a bank account with someone until we were married. The only thing I'll do is get the number for an attorney.
I have a few bipolar family members. From what I have seen it varies. One struggles with it tremendously. Another is responsible with treatment and you would never know they are bipolar - always full time employed at well paying job, has a house, successfully raised kids, etc. The latter one is like another sibling to me and the rest of the family, and we are not blood related. It really depends on the person and if they are willing to take care of themselves. Just be cautious and use your own better judgement.
Again, with my ex-fiance she went over three years between manic episodes. But when she did she turned into a completely unrecognizable person. Leading a horrible, sordid double life that in no way, shape or form was evident from her girl next door demeanor. Go get the book I told you about, for $10 you will learn all you need to know.
Again, with my ex-fiance she went over three years between manic episodes. But when she did she turned into a completely unrecognizable person. Leading a horrible, sordid double life that in no way, shape or form was evident from her girl next door demeanor. Go get the book I told you about, for $10 you will learn all you need to know.
This is how my ex was. Four years...perfectly normal. Then it was stealing cars, fleeing to another country with how ever many women.
Nope... I will now run when they even say the words "mental illness". As I told the judge recently, I am not trained to deal with "crazy". Good luck to those that want to take on that kind of project.
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