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Old 01-30-2015, 12:26 PM
 
Location: My House
33,233 posts, read 27,009,397 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by LowonLuck View Post
I have an older child and a toddler. It is what it is and i am fine being single until I find the right guy.
Yeah... toddlers tend to scare off dates. Especially when coupled with an older child who isn't old enough to babysit yet.

Taking on a woman with a toddler means you'll potentially have YEARS of helping her raise a kid. Most of that kids' childhood, in fact.

Guys usually do better when you've got kids who are in late elementary or older, who are a bit more self sufficient.
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Old 01-30-2015, 01:40 PM
 
Location: Moreno Valley, Ca
1,763 posts, read 1,174,682 times
Reputation: 3796
Quote:
Originally Posted by LowonLuck View Post
I have not found the right 40 year old then. I did meet some guys that were i their 40's but they do not seem to match me. I have dated much younger for years and matched perfectly. So again, single might be my place for awhile until I find someone that matches me.

THIS. Single may be just what you need.... for now.
 
Old 01-30-2015, 01:50 PM
 
9,415 posts, read 11,299,993 times
Reputation: 20187
Quote:
Originally Posted by RedZin View Post
Yeah... toddlers tend to scare off dates. Especially when coupled with an older child who isn't old enough to babysit yet.

Taking on a woman with a toddler means you'll potentially have YEARS of helping her raise a kid. Most of that kids' childhood, in fact.

Guys usually do better when you've got kids who are in late elementary or older, who are a bit more self sufficient.
On the other hand toddlers don't have attitude problems when one of their parents are dating. They are oblivious to it all. Older kids pose far greater problems in other ways, like, well, their attitude. Older kids don't always take well to another person vying for their Mum or Dad's affections.
 
Old 01-30-2015, 01:55 PM
 
Location: My House
33,233 posts, read 27,009,397 times
Reputation: 24548
Quote:
Originally Posted by Djuna View Post
On the other hand toddlers don't have attitude problems when one of their parents are dating. They are oblivious to it all. Older kids pose far greater problems in other ways, like, well, their attitude. Older kids don't always take well to another person vying for their Mum or Dad's affections.
Yeah... which is why a single toddler is no issue (I know this because I was once a single, unmarried mother of a toddler when I was in college and it didn't stop me from dating OR from getting married).

A toddler PLUS an older kid? Not as easy a sell. Depends on the individual children, of course.

Another thing is how soon a guy meets your kids. I'm of the opinion that anything beyond a casual meeting isn't advisable, and it's probably best not to even do that until you've established that the two of you might like to go on more than a few dates.

Once a person you're starting to date has met your kids, they need have no other contact with them until you decide you might like to be exclusive. Beyond saying hello occasionally or what have you.

You don't have to go on dates with your kids in tow so he can prove that he gets along with kids, etc. Kids don't always do well in situations out and about with new people. It can be shooting yourself in the foot.

The guy needs to get to know you first, to know what you're like, what your values are like... your hopes, your dreams, etc.

If he likes what he's gotten to know, he can then make a choice about how much involvement he wants with your children. Maybe you two will date for many years and your kids will slowly get to know him over time.

IF marriage enters the picture, he'll know what he's getting into and whether it is something he wants.

One of my friends in high school had a mom who had been dating the same guy for YEARS. She started dating him when my friend was in junior high and his sister was in high school. The guy she was dating was a divorcee, same as her, and he was raising his kids (who were roughly the same age as hers) on his own. They were both fairly well off, and they lived in separate domiciles (though they'd spend overnights now and then once my friend was 16 and his sister was off in college). After the kids all graduated and moved out, they moved in together, and they got married a year later.

They're still married and this was oh... about 28 years ago, maybe?

My point is that one can date as a single parent, but one need not expect a man to jump into a ready-made family or to cohabitate right away, etc. I'd consider those types of actions red flags that say he's unstable, come to think of it.


ETA: I started dating my current husband when my eldest was 15, my middle was 8 and my wee one was 4, almost 5. He's never had any sort of attitude off any of them. My daughter (youngest) is now 14 and he's been her stepdad for 5 years so she occasionally comes off sounding like a 14yo girl, but she does that to all of us, not just him. And I do not think any of them would EVER throw out that gold standard "you're not my dad!" line, because they know he is better to them than their dad has been or will ever be, and they're genuinely appreciative, even when he aggravates one of them. We are a family after all... families annoy one another now and then.
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Old 01-30-2015, 02:07 PM
 
6,911 posts, read 3,760,232 times
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I will not introduce my children to any dates until we are exclusive. I am also not looking to date longterm. If I dont see marriage happening in a 2 year time frame, that guy is history. I want to be married and bave the family life. I only want someone that wants the same thing. Not wasting time on anymore 7-10 year long relationships that do not get to the end goal of marriage.
 
Old 01-30-2015, 02:16 PM
 
Location: My House
33,233 posts, read 27,009,397 times
Reputation: 24548
Quote:
Originally Posted by LowonLuck View Post
I will not introduce my children to any dates until we are exclusive. I am also not looking to date longterm. If I dont see marriage happening in a 2 year time frame, that guy is history. I want to be married and bave the family life. I only want someone that wants the same thing. Not wasting time on anymore 7-10 year long relationships that do not get to the end goal of marriage.
You have 2 kids. You already have a family.

I understand not wanting to waste your time on a relationship, but honestly if he's not shacked up at your house and liable to break your children's hearts, would you rather have a relationship with a man who loves and cares for you but is cautious about jumping into a family situation, or would you like another guy like the last loser you were with?

I mean it. Think long and hard about all your guidelines. I mean, naturally you want a man who (if you're dating for more than a year or two) is talking future plans with you, but must he be willing to become a father so quickly?

I dunno, LoL.

Your demands are steep for someone in your situation.
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Old 01-30-2015, 02:23 PM
 
6,911 posts, read 3,760,232 times
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I want someone to love and care for me. Not necessarily parent my children. However both my children would probably welcome a man into our lives that cared about them.

Sure having kids is a family but I want a husband as well.

I want someone to be my partner when we go on cruises and the kids are busy doing kids activities. Or when we go to Great wolf. Our family feels like it os missing someone... Hard to describe I guess. But no I dont want just any "someone".
 
Old 01-30-2015, 02:26 PM
 
32,850 posts, read 22,792,682 times
Reputation: 29898
Quote:
Originally Posted by LowonLuck View Post
I want someone to love and care for me. Not necessarily parent my children. However both my children would probably welcome a man into our lives that cared about them.

Sure having kids is a family but I want a husband as well.

I want someone to be my partner when we go on cruises and the kids are busy doing kids activities. Or when we go to Great wolf. Our family feels like it os missing someone... Hard to describe I guess. But no I dont want just any "someone".

So you want a husband, but not a father figure. Yeaaah.... ok.
 
Old 01-30-2015, 02:29 PM
 
6,911 posts, read 3,760,232 times
Reputation: 4613
Quote:
Originally Posted by timberline742 View Post
So you want a husband, but not a father figure. Yeaaah.... ok.
Meaning I am not looking to put that kind of pressure on a man that does not want to be a father figure.
 
Old 01-30-2015, 02:44 PM
 
Location: My House
33,233 posts, read 27,009,397 times
Reputation: 24548
Quote:
Originally Posted by LowonLuck View Post
I want someone to love and care for me. Not necessarily parent my children. However both my children would probably welcome a man into our lives that cared about them.

Sure having kids is a family but I want a husband as well.

I want someone to be my partner when we go on cruises and the kids are busy doing kids activities. Or when we go to Great wolf. Our family feels like it os missing someone... Hard to describe I guess. But no I dont want just any "someone".
I understand wanting a husband, but why do you need one if you're financially so stable?

Let's say you get a guy you really like, but he's just not ready to move in full time and be daddy.

He's expressed interest in doing that down the road, but he really wants to take this slow so that you two are absolutely sure this is something that will last.

Why would you put limits on that like 2 years? I mean, single people with NO kids date for longer than that sometimes. You could easily get engaged in 2 years and still not get married for another year, year and a half. And by the time you're engaged, of course he should be going on trips with you and the like. He's planning to be a part of your lives full time.

But, before that, wouldn't you really just enjoy a partner for YOU??

I'm sure your kids want a dad and all, but I'm quite sure that most kids would be happy with supportive friends and family around instead of a man who won't stay in the picture over the long haul.
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