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Old 01-08-2008, 06:05 PM
 
Location: Florida
103 posts, read 412,718 times
Reputation: 97

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I've been dating this man for the past 3+ months and things have been going great. This is the best relationship I've ever been in. We are good friends. We can talk. We support one another. We laugh from our guts till we can't breathe. We both have good jobs. He is dependable. We are compatible with the same interests, etc. He took me away to an island for the holidays and we had a great time. I am crazy about him. We both treat one another great. We may have spent too much time together during the holidays as we were together for 2 weeks straight. I usually see him mostly on the weekends so this was a big change. He was married for 15 years and I've never been married. About a month + into our relationship the subject of marriage came up very innocently in a conversation. At that point, he told me that he didn't think he would get married again. I guess I was disappointed to hear him say that as, although it is not a deal breaker for me, I was hoping to meet someone that was at least open to it. I asked him if he could just keep and open mind and he asked the same of me. We moved forward and did not have any more discussion about it till New Year's night. I was feeling a bit anxious as we had just spent 6 wonderful days away and had a great New Years, etc. I was feeling all these feelings and I guess I wanted to know where he was at. I know this man shows me that he is crazy about me but I think I just needed to hear something. Anything....He has made a few comments from time to time that make me wonder such as "when I meet Mr. Right" and things like that. Anyway, we got into this conversation and I asked him what he was thinking and feeling. He made a comment to me that it was too soon for him and that he was committed to me but that again, he did not think he could get married again. He said that if that was what I wanted, I would need to find someone else. I'm not sure why, but what came out of my mouth was "am I wasting my time with you?" I was having a very off day and I know I should have gone home earlier. I didn't mean what I said because quite honestly, getting married is not a deal breaker for me and it's not like we talk about it often. However, he is hyper-sensitive about certain things and a few times has over-reacted to certain things that I've said. Anyway, 2 days later, he broke-up with me. He said that he was very hurt by what I said about am I wasting my time after the wonderful time we just had, etc. He said he feels that we have different goals and he thinks I would get hurt. I am so upset that I even had this conversation with him. My friends have told me that men hate these conversations but quite honestly, after talking with him about the relationship and speaking with my friends, I realize it is way too early to be having conversations like this. I just want to go forward the way things have been with him. He explained to me how he views the relationship and I agree with him and I understand it. I told him I think 95% of our relationship is great and he agrees with me. I told him that people would die to have our relationship and he knows this is true but he said he does not want to go forward with me. I am heartbroken because I feel like I made a mistake. I have apologized to him and he said he accepts it but he still feels very hurt. I guess I would like to hear some comments from some of you guys out there....thank-you.
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Old 01-08-2008, 06:35 PM
 
13,752 posts, read 12,291,789 times
Reputation: 7830
Quote:
Originally Posted by Graceful2 View Post
I've been dating this man for the past 3+ months and things have been going great. This is the best relationship I've ever been in. We are good friends. We can talk. We support one another. We laugh from our guts till we can't breathe. We both have good jobs. He is dependable. We are compatible with the same interests, etc. He took me away to an island for the holidays and we had a great time. I am crazy about him. We both treat one another great. We may have spent too much time together during the holidays as we were together for 2 weeks straight. I usually see him mostly on the weekends so this was a big change. He was married for 15 years and I've never been married. About a month + into our relationship the subject of marriage came up very innocently in a conversation. At that point, he told me that he didn't think he would get married again. I guess I was disappointed to hear him say that as, although it is not a deal breaker for me, I was hoping to meet someone that was at least open to it. I asked him if he could just keep and open mind and he asked the same of me. We moved forward and did not have any more discussion about it till New Year's night. I was feeling a bit anxious as we had just spent 6 wonderful days away and had a great New Years, etc. I was feeling all these feelings and I guess I wanted to know where he was at. I know this man shows me that he is crazy about me but I think I just needed to hear something. Anything....He has made a few comments from time to time that make me wonder such as "when I meet Mr. Right" and things like that. Anyway, we got into this conversation and I asked him what he was thinking and feeling. He made a comment to me that it was too soon for him and that he was committed to me but that again, he did not think he could get married again. He said that if that was what I wanted, I would need to find someone else. I'm not sure why, but what came out of my mouth was "am I wasting my time with you?" I was having a very off day and I know I should have gone home earlier. I didn't mean what I said because quite honestly, getting married is not a deal breaker for me and it's not like we talk about it often. However, he is hyper-sensitive about certain things and a few times has over-reacted to certain things that I've said. Anyway, 2 days later, he broke-up with me. He said that he was very hurt by what I said about am I wasting my time after the wonderful time we just had, etc. He said he feels that we have different goals and he thinks I would get hurt. I am so upset that I even had this conversation with him. My friends have told me that men hate these conversations but quite honestly, after talking with him about the relationship and speaking with my friends, I realize it is way too early to be having conversations like this. I just want to go forward the way things have been with him. He explained to me how he views the relationship and I agree with him and I understand it. I told him I think 95% of our relationship is great and he agrees with me. I told him that people would die to have our relationship and he knows this is true but he said he does not want to go forward with me. I am heartbroken because I feel like I made a mistake. I have apologized to him and he said he accepts it but he still feels very hurt. I guess I would like to hear some comments from some of you guys out there....thank-you.
Quite frankly, he sounds like my ex boyfriend....

He used to act like a child sometime, and be very funny, but I saw him turn very mean at the drop of a hat and it scared me. He was marvelous, loving, attentive...used to constantly put my purse strap back up on my arm, if it slid down, turn the rings on my fingers....always say, "Tell me", like he was so interested in how my day was going. He'd ask me crazy questions and say, "there are no right or wrong answers...he'd wine and dine me and take me all over on trips...but...we never ever did anything with friends or family and we dated approx. 4 months...

I asked him why he didn't want to meet my friends and family...he said, b/c he didn't feel like he wanted me to show him offf....I said, "it's not you I wanted to show off, it's my friends and family". I wasn't at first serious...but could feel myself falling, and once, I said the same thing to him..."Why are you waisting time driving all around?" and he got furious...acted out like a child and it was like I cut off his finger or something....and he broke up with me in the end...for several reasons, but bottom line is, with guys like this, and they are all from the same cookie cutter...they love the chase, and when you stop, turn around and take a look at them...they run as fast as they can, they do not pass go, do not collect $200.00.

You see, they were hurt very badly, and now, they're afraid of any relationship, therefore, they will look for the quickest excuse to run and start a new relationship, cuz new relationships are the safest....

I'm not saying I'm right about your man....but, it sounds like it....

Some men when they get hurt, they change, and they want female companionship, but cannot stand to think about loosing everything that they worked so hard to find, and some men, if they're hurt badly enough, well, they sometimes mentally break down...

You will hear from him again...and again...you'll turn into the girl he calls, when he has no one else....sorry to be so blunt, but if I can save you from the same hurt, then I'll try...cuz my guy did the same things with me...treated me like some queen, and then, turned into a really mean man.

Take care, beware and try to not fret. I'd be willing to bet, this guy was quit a bit older then you, as well?

Just my 2 cents.

Please think about you and your stability and find someone you deserve...and chalk this up to an experience.

Hugs
Creme
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Old 01-08-2008, 06:52 PM
miu
 
Location: MA/NH
13,034 posts, read 22,440,041 times
Reputation: 10237
Quote:
Originally Posted by Graceful2 View Post
I've been dating this man for the past 3+ months
Not a guy, but I know the way my boyfriend thinks about marriage. Three months is nothing in a relationship. Most people can get along great for 3-6 months and all the way up to the three year mark coasting on those initial feelings of infatuation.

Anyway, I was first friends with my boyfriend. And right away he told me that he didn't believe in marriage. Meanwhile, we get a long really well and we've been living together for over three years now. Everyone, including his family, thinks that we make a terrific couple. But do I push for marriage? Heck no. But slowly, he'll say things like we are as good as married. Two weeks ago he said that we should get married before the ten year mark of our relationship, then he thought in two years at the five year point would be perfect.

When a man is marriage phobic, you need to trust your own instincts on how much he loves you and how compatible you are together. Unless you both are planning to have children together or buy a joint piece or real estate, there is no pressing need to get married imo. The best tactic is to love him, but also act relaxed and let him be the one to bring up the M word.

But at three months, it was way too soon to push for some sort of verbal commitment from him, especially since his actions showed that he cares for you a lot already. To be honest, I wouldn't have even bugged him at the one year anniversary mark about commitment from him either. I'd rather wait forever for a sincere spontaneous declaration of love from my man rather than know it was the result of my hinting or pouting for him to do something. But that's just me.

My boyfriend is marriage phobic because his parents had to marry because of an unplanned pregnancy. Year later, when the marriage went south because of his dad's drinking problems, things got very ugly before and even after the divorce. Then he and I see that couples (like his older sister) will date for a year, then announce their engagement and be married a year after that. And that timetable seems awfully rushed to us. Especially with the divorce rate in the US being around 50%.

So if you have a good man and the relationship is going great, don't ruin it by rushing too quickly into a marriage. And people that have experienced a divorce will be marriage shy.
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Old 01-08-2008, 07:24 PM
 
Location: Beautiful Kentucky
820 posts, read 1,905,835 times
Reputation: 514
Is it possible your boyfriend is right? By that I mean, if you're already bringing up the subject of marriage after only a few months, then it's most likely a very important issue to you. If he's been clear from the start that it isn't something he wants, it may be very well that you're on different paths here in this journey. Perhaps he can see clearly that those roads would never cross in either direction.

I was married for quiet a few years and do not plan on ever getting married again. I do hope to find a very special one to share my life with. I don't think that that caring about someone means that you marry them in the end. Especially for those of us that have been through marriage and desire no more kids.

I think perhaps you should give some serious thought if you could actually continue your relationship falling deeper in love with him and truly accept not marrying. If you can, then I would give him some time and try to have a heart to heart conversation about your relationship and that subject. He has to understand that you care about him with or without a ring. If that's not true - then there's probably someone out there for you with the same life goals that would bring you much more happiness in the long run.

Good luck and I'm sorry you're hurting. Loosing someone - even temporarily stinks! Have faith though.
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Old 01-08-2008, 07:38 PM
 
Location: Menver, CO
388 posts, read 35,004 times
Reputation: 76
Quote:
Originally Posted by Graceful2 View Post
I'm not sure why, but what came out of my mouth was "am I wasting my time with you?" I was having a very off day and I know I should have gone home earlier. I didn't mean what I said because quite honestly, getting married is not a deal breaker for me and it's not like we talk about it often. However, he is hyper-sensitive about certain things and a few times has over-reacted to certain things that I've said. Anyway, 2 days later, he broke-up with me.
Pshh... this guy is a drama queen. All you asked was "am I wasting my time with you?" and he has a heart attack. He must have some serious self-esteem issues or he's just soft. Real men don't get all freaky over stuff like that. What you said is very minor. He's not worth your time.
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Old 01-08-2008, 07:41 PM
 
Location: huh?
3,100 posts, read 293,905 times
Reputation: 468
exactly! what's he gonna do, run to mama when you ask him to pick up his socks?
Quote:
Originally Posted by ditto View Post
Pshh... this guy is a drama queen. All you asked was "am I wasting my time with you?" and he has a heart attack. He must have some serious self-esteem issues or he's just soft. Real men don't get all freaky over stuff like that. What you said is very minor. He's not worth your time.
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Old 01-08-2008, 07:49 PM
miu
 
Location: MA/NH
13,034 posts, read 22,440,041 times
Reputation: 10237
It seems like you liked this guy more than he liked you. The the M word came up and he doesn't feel comfortable being with you thinking that you're in love with him and he has to catch up and fall in love with you. Too much pressure for him to take. Maybe he's being a baby about it or maybe not. I know that I wouldn't want to date a guy that was in love with me if I only liked him.
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Old 01-08-2008, 07:53 PM
 
Location: huh?
3,100 posts, read 293,905 times
Reputation: 468
just consider it a learning experience. men do not like the idea of marriage until THEY decide it's a good idea. also, alot of them will never think it a good idea. they also dont like it if you tell them you love them. wait for them to say it.
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Old 01-08-2008, 07:54 PM
 
Location: Sunny SC
4,088 posts, read 9,620,625 times
Reputation: 2355
Another female here. Sorry to hear that happened and I know you must be really upset. I agree with what miu said and I am also in a relationship where my SO doesn't like to talk about marriage. If it was something that I dreamed of and it was my really important to me, then I guess I would have to make a decision on whether to stay or go. It's not that important to me but it sounds like it is to you. Three months is really too soon because people change their minds over time anyway. In a couple years he can say, let's get married or you might feel like it doesn't even matter.

If you got back together with him then you would have to decide what's more important, having him and not being married or being married but probably to someone else. He's telling you what he wants & doesn't want, so you have to decide what you really want and don't want. Whatever you do, let it go because if you are together and it's eating at you then neither one of you are going to be happy.
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Old 01-08-2008, 07:55 PM
 
Location: Land of 10000 Lakes + some
2,885 posts, read 221,284 times
Reputation: 346
In a nutshell, you were still on your honeymoon period, i.e. you don't really know how each other are. He has sides you haven't seen yet, and you have sides he hasn't seen. But I would be worried that he can't just get over it. Sounds like he has some big issues.
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