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I'm 31 and been divorced for over 2 years now and have moved past all that and been involved with a 24 yr old girl that has a 2 yr old daughter. We have been talking for 15 months now and in the past 8 months we have started to take off. I have a good job and income and home of my own and so does she. She goes to school fulltime plus works fulltime and juggles that with her daughter and the fact that her daughters father spends maybe 1 day a week with her sometimes not even that. Theres no love between them anymore she has told me that and I have seen it, as well as, everyone around us, she gets no respect from him or compassion or anything only that he is still around is because of their daughter. She constantly ridiculed and subjected to verbal abuse from him and her daughter has picked up on it.
Over the past 8 months we have really grown close to one another and have been devoting as much time as possible to one another and her daughter, wether coming to my house or me going there, or meeting for dinner and what not. We have really grown, we talk on the phone, facetime, go out when we can, goto the gym, and goto dinner and spend time at work when we can together.
Over the last month or two we have really been talking about moving in together and taking our relationship futher, and I know this comes with a lot more responsiblity and time and I'm ok and comfortable with that, and we are happy together and happy with one another. But where things have gotten kind of weird is the times we don't get to spend together and when we are together we end up having sex, and a lot of sex, but at the same time we do have long conversations about our future and what it holds for us. We have both mentioned we want to be together and in each others lives and ready to take the next step. She has mentioned us getting married and I want to marry this girl, but at the same time I get questioned if I want to marry her and I say yes but sometimes I get yeah whatever and that makes me feel kinda down because I do want to marry her, and she says well then do it, but then she says she doesn't want to force marriage on me, and I tell her and reassure her that I do and she seems ok with it but I don't think she understands really how I feel, and I have tried to tell her.
This girl that I have been in a relationship with is young, yes I know, but to me it doesn't matter if we are in love and happy with one another, she brightens my day wheter we are together today or not and just able to facetime or talk on the phone pending work or school. She makes me feel like a actual person she makes me feel good about myself and I show undying love toward her each and everytime we are together. She has great charisma, shes a great mother, shes very beautiful to me on the outside as well on the inside, she has a heart and soul that we both click and interact and have built that bond with one another.
But recently, she has said sometimes she feels that all we are is a fling, and I don't know where this is coming from. I mean I know from her past things have never been good for her for very long, she tells me that she has never been more happy in her life than she has with me and wants that forever. But she feels that when we do spend the nights together all we do is have sex, but that's not always the case we have good long conversations either before or after sex and talk about our future together.
She has some reservations about feeling that she doesn't want to feel like if she lives with me that she is using me and I ask her how, we are together we are living together and having that daily interaction with her, me and her daughter. But she feels that I shouldn't have to contribute to her or her daughter and she feels that if I do she feels that she is using me. I don't want her to feel that way but I want to be able to do things not just for me but for her and her daughter, I mean heck we would be living together and taking our relationship forward. I don't know how to deal with her feeling of using me because this is my house and I pay the bills and what not, and she still supports her daughter and they live in my home, but it would be our home, I don't know how to convey that to her that she isn't using me.
On the other hand we have talked alot about marriage as well. She wants to be my wife and tells me this all the time, yet I haven't gotten a ring or popped the questions, but when she asks if I want to marry her and have her and her daughter in my life and tell her unconditionally and with out a doubt, I love her and her daughter dearly, but she feels that I don't or I'm just saying it because she wants that and I'm doing it not for myself but only to make her happy, but I do want to marry her and want her and her daughter it my life, but she smiles and says yeah right.. So do I get a ring and ask her to marry me and her and her daughter spend our lives together as a family or not?... I want to marry her but I want her to understand that I'm not doing this only for me but for her and her daughter and what our family would be as a whole.
I mean we have all the love, feelings and emotions for one another. I don't know why she thinks sometimes that things feel they are just a fling but in all honestly to me they aren't, why she wants to marry me and she asks if I want to marry her she feels that she is pushing me into marriage when its what I want too.. But she has said also, she wants to be with me and marry me and live our lives together but she feels something is missing. She says she wants the little things all the time, the cards, the notes, the little things where I go outta my way to show her love and appreciation, she afraid that it will all go away in the future and we will just be in a rut, she says she knows it won't be but from her past she says all her relationships have ended up just being blah and ending.
What can I do to show my girlfriend that I am serious, I'm serious about our relationship and spending our life together and get her to understand that we aren't a fling or she isn't a piece of a$$. That I am serious about us and serious about marriage and us going to the next step and moving in and marriage.. I love my girlfriend I want to do right with her and us and make things work, just need help in reassuring her that what she wants is what I want too...
Can you please shed some insight and help on what I should do to reassure her that I'm just as serious as her..
You said that you are unsure about marrying her once in this thread. surrounded by a few times saying you are sure you want to. I'm not sure you want to either, so that's why she's not sure. How do you show her you want to? By never thinking you don't want to, and by doing it (proposing and marrying). Seems pretty simple. But if you do have reservations about it I think you should be honest with her nowand you should have been honest all along. You love her and you love everything that going on right now but you're not sure you're ready to get married yet.
Buy her a ring. If you're so sure that you want her and her daughter in your life and marriage is what you're both after, stop talking about it and just do it. You can sit there and go on and on about how you're the different kind of guy or you could actually BE the different kind of guy.
I'm not sure if you're conveying that there's an issue with having a ton of sex and long conversations. That sounds ideal.
Most single mothers are very aware of the possibility of men thinking that they're being used as a method of support for them and their children...it's her issue and one she'll probably get over as long as you giver her time and not throw it in her face.
She is a single mother, who's ex boyfriend was abusive. Not sure how long her relationship was, but if she had a daughter with him, it must have meant something to her at one time. She may have stuck with him, in hopes that he would change, but luckily for her, she was able to break free from him. All of those experiences, have a direct relation to the way she approaches relationships. He could live in a trailer, while you live in a home, but because of her past, she may act cautious to all men. She is young too, her ex may have been her only serious relationship. That's not real positive relationship experience, so you have to be aware, and understand why she acts the way she does. Even though you wrote a novel, it didn't really say much about her relationship with her ex.
Obviously she is special to you, so you need to continue to step up, and show her that she doesn't need to fear a repeat of her past. I personally don't think a ring would mean as much, as showing her by actions, to prove your love for her. Have concern for her fears, and discuss and listen to why she has them. Please don't do the "but I'm different" "that you would never do those things", because she may interpret it as you telling her that she is being stupid, for worrying....Good luck, have empathy.
Neither of you is ready for a commitment and what's the rush? You don't have to move in together to have the relationship move forward. Keep your own spaces and keep seeing each other and just let the relationship move forwards naturally. If and when it gets to the point that making a commitment just seems like the natural thing to do without any convoluted thought processes involved, then you'll do it. You're nowhere near that place yet - neither of you.
Neither of you is ready for a commitment and what's the rush? You don't have to move in together to have the relationship move forward. Keep your own spaces and keep seeing each other and just let the relationship move forwards naturally. If and when it gets to the point that making a commitment just seems like the natural thing to do without any convoluted thought processes involved, then you'll do it. You're nowhere near that place yet - neither of you.
I agree, but she is putting a LOT of pressure on him with her constant questioning of his commitment, to the point of denying what he tells her (by saying "yeah right," etc.). That won't let things progress naturally. Seems like it would lead to premature engagement or a break-up.
OP, would she be open to premarital couples counseling? She sounds like she has a LOT of baggage from her previous relationship that won't be healthy in a new relationship, and you could use advice on how to blend a family and deal with someone who has been abused.
Unless you are very misguided about how you are demonstrating your sincerity and love, it just sounds like your girlfriend isn't ready to take the next step even if she says she is.
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