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True. I kind of got carried away with defending myself (sometimes it does feel like a personal attack. I should step back more often and reflect).
But at least in all this discussion, I found out that I am not on some extreme fringe, while I may be in the minority and it might be a challenge for me, at least this thread taught me that there are some out there who think like me (and they are mainly men... so it gives me hope) And I really do appreciate hearing the other side of things, even if my "debate mode" kicks in. I'd hate for everyone to agree with me (after all, what would we all talk about then if we all agreed).
You bring up something else that drives me batty from time to time. This forum has representation from all 50 states and who knows how many different countries. Sure, there's people out there that think like us, but does it really even matter if the person who thinks like you lives in North Carolina, while you live in Oregon? There's plenty of people that agree with what I have to say on here, but it just doesn't matter when you're 500 miles away. In the end, the point of knowing other people out there think like you is a bit irrelevant.
I'm truly not here to bust someone's bubble, but this thought process gets tossed around a lot. The whole there's someone out there that thinks like me. Yeah.... sure..... someone thinks just like you do, but are they within an appropriate mile radius of you? It's why people get frustrated with certain availability in life. I may want a Bugatti Veyron, but if the only one available is halfway around the world, I will have to wait a certain amount of time to obtain it. Most people have found themselves waiting their whole lives for something. Whether it was to graduate high school, undergrad, or post grad. I think every person reaches a point in life where they turn into JG Wentworth and shout, "It's my money and I want it now!"
I've had to wait many years to obtain the level of career success that I have. In the process I also had to make many sacrifices. Even I have reached a point to where I'm ready to experience something a bit different.....
To answer the OP, no - I'm a guy in his mid-40's who is definitely not looking for a serious relationship or marriage . At most, I "date" women for a FWB relationship, but I also do one-night stands. I'm not into traditional dating at all. I've been dating off and on since I was a teen - some LTR's during that time, but not many.
My advice to anyone looking for casual dating would be this: Be honest about what you're looking for from the beginning, so you won't waste your time or the other person's time. Also, if you do date casually & can tell the other person is getting emotionally attached (it's happened to me with some women I casually dated), break it off before the other person gets hurt. Don't lead anyone on.
I agree that once men reach a certain age they are the ones who are probably looking to settle down more than women.
I work with & know quite a few single women (either divorced or never married), and I don't see them chomping at the bit to get married. Conversely, I also have seen men act like whiny little ******* when their relationships/marriages don't work out. They then turn around & get married again almost immediately. Whereas women can be single for years after divorcing, and may actually never get married again.
Quote:
Originally Posted by david0966
I've read many of your posts and I shake my head in disbelief at some of these men you date. I'm guessing a lot of them are divorced and their wives did everything and they have a hard time doing things on their own and are just looking for someone to cook and clean for them. Either that or they can't stand being single.
Yes - these are the whiny losers I was talking about. These guys probably can't cook, clean, or do laundry to save their lives. What a bunch of incompetent nit-wits. They give the entire male gender a bad name.
Last edited by The Big Lebowski Dude; 02-03-2016 at 09:59 PM..
To answer the OP, no - I'm a guy in his mid-40's who is definitely not looking for a serious relationship or marriage . At most, I "date" women for a FWB relationship, but I also do one-night stands. I'm not into traditional dating at all. I've been dating off and on since I was a teen - some LTR's during that time, but not many.
However, based on what I've observed from the people I know & also what I've read, I'm unusual in this sense. I.e., once men reach a certain age they are the ones who are looking to settle down more than women.
I work with & know quite a few single women (either divorced or never married), and I don't see them chomping at the bit to get married. Conversely, I also have seen men act like whiny little ******* when their relationships/marriages don't work out. They then turn around & get married again almost immediately. Whereas women can be single for years after divorcing, and may actually never get married again.
To get back on-track - my advice to anyone looking for casual dating would be this: Be honest about what you're looking for from the beginning, so you won't waste your time or the other person's time. Also, if you do date casually & can tell the other person is getting emotionally attached (it's happened to me with some women I casually dated), break it off before the other person gets hurt. Don't lead anyone on.
Yes!!! You get it! I have so much more respect for men who are upfront with their intentions, rather than lying and misleading a woman. If you are just playing the field and having fun...I think people need to put that out there from the start. Unfortunately, too many men will tell a woman anything she wants to hear in order to sleep with her. But I think that is because a lot of women won't have sex unless she knows,it may go somewhere. However, it can also backfire, as some women (especially the ones who like cliche romantic comedies) think if they just work at it enough...the guy will change his mind. It rarely works out that way.
Yes!!! You get it! I have so much more respect for men who are upfront with their intentions, rather than lying and misleading a woman. If you are just playing the field and having fun...I think people need to put that out there from the start. Unfortunately, too many men will tell a woman anything she wants to hear in order to sleep with her. But I think that is because a lot of women won't have sex unless she knows,it may go somewhere. However, it can also backfire, as some women (especially the ones who like cliche romantic comedies) think if they just work at it enough...the guy will change his mind. It rarely works out that way.
Thanks.
Re: what I bolded above, yes - I've dated women that thought like this, i.e. that they could change my mind about dating casually. This happened even when I was honest with them about my dating other women. In my experience, it's best not to let FWB relationships last that long. Because the longer they last, the more likely it will be that the woman will get emotionally attached...
That being said, other women have been cool with the FWB status with me - even though that's not what they're ultimately looking for. I remember one of the women I dated told me that she was looking to eventually settle down and get married, but she knew I wasn't the guy that this would happen with. I.e., she was looking for "Mr. Right" but was happy to settle for "Mr. Right Now" - at least for the time being
I'm 48. I'm not opposed to dating casually...just for fun. and I've done it. But after a while, the things that make a guy not a candidate for an LTR become annoying. Like, why put up with his flaws, however minor they are, if I'm not going to stay with him? So I lose interest.
Ultimately, I want someone to spend the rest of my life with, so spending time just having fun seems like wasting time. Time I could be spending finding that LTR.
I have found that guys also do the same. They tell me that I 'deserve' an LTR and they don't want to waste my time, even if I'm willing to continue just being casual.
I'm 48. I'm not opposed to dating casually...just for fun. and I've done it. But after a while, the things that make a guy not a candidate for an LTR become annoying. Like, why put up with his flaws, however minor they are, if I'm not going to stay with him? So I lose interest.
Ultimately, I want someone to spend the rest of my life with, so spending time just having fun seems like wasting time. Time I could be spending finding that LTR.
I have found that guys also do the same. They tell me that I 'deserve' an LTR and they don't want to waste my time, even if I'm willing to continue just being casual.
It's just a tough road to navigate when you're really wanting something long-term, yet all that's coming into your life is brief and fleeting. I've actually been trying to live a little more like Timberline on here. I'm spending time with women and doing activities together, yet not really looking for anything. Truly living by if something happens, it happens.
I had dinner and drinks with a woman last night that I've known of through friends for years, but we seemed to never be available to do anything. We finally got together for drinks and dinner last night and it was a very pleasant evening. We even both commented on how hard dating can be for us, she's 28 and I'm 32. She's really independent, so what she looks for is a bit hard to find.
Anyways, sometimes you just have to live your life for what it is, and if something happens, it happens. I spent the last 3 years really wanting to be in a relationship and likely found myself overworking to keep the relationship going. That process got tiring as well. I know I'll have nights or even periods where I'm lonely, but if I'm going to experience another true LTR, I am going to have to change things up. I've been single again for over 3 weeks now, and it's been the best stretch of single I've had since I was in my very early 20's. I'm not even sleeping around, just having fun spending time with friends and family, and enjoying every moment as if it was my last. I've had no complaints these last few weeks. Even still talk to my ex here and there and just catch up on things. That's something I wouldn't have done anytime before. If we couldn't be in a relationship, I wouldn't want to continue talking to them. I just realized that I may have to change some things up to end up with what I want and desire.
Honestly, most people don't date to "just have fun." I tried that with women in the past and got a VERY rude awakening that it's not kind to do that to women. If you want a good relationship, you need to approach dating with that kind of mindset. Yes, dating should be fun, but I'm not taking time out of my day to make a bunch of new female friends. That's also not the idea that I'm trying to put out either. Other women would see me as a player and that's not what I'm wanting to display.
OP, you are one of few women I've talked to that truly want to just date for fun. Once those feelings come, it's not fun to be "just friends" with that person. Jillabean, you figured that out with your scuba diving friend as well. You have reverted back to friends now, but look at the emotional turmoil you suffered when you started to develop feelings for said friend.
I turn 30 next week and am childfree so will most certainly NOT be procreating at any point, ever. To the extent that I've let a guy go in the past because he thought I wasn't serious about the no kids thing and I most certainly was. I still have only ever dated with the intent of a serious, long-term relationship in mind. I just don't see the point in being with someone if you're not at least hoping it's going to last forever.
I want to grow old with my life partner and look back on our happy kid-free life together and remember how much fun we had and how good we both looked in our prime. I want to build up a lifetime worth of memories with someone, have my life partner be my best friend. If I'd had my way I would have met the love of my life earlier than my late 20's (maybe age 22 would have been my ideal?)
If the love of my life were to end up leaving me because of my anti-natalist views and the whole fatherhood thing (I don't see the appeal, honestly), I would be beside myself with devastation. I would eventually date again, probably... but still with forever in mind. I mean, I just don't see the point in anything else.
I don't think this is an age thing. I think fundamentally it's a temperament and attachment style thing. Some people are naturally "heavier" than others when it comes to this stuff.
I date with a serious nature in mind. I'm 25. I'm not out hunting for a husband but the dude needs to have some long term dating potential. In the future I may want kids and such. When you're are a woman you cant be wasting your good, pretty, and younger years on worthless men.
I want a serious relationship, but I just try dating to just have a good time and see what happens.
"Dating" is about living on the moment...I´ve learned in the hard way that you have to let things roll.
The timing is usually not the same for both persons dating.
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And I really do appreciate hearing the other side of things, even if my "debate mode" kicks in. I'd hate for everyone to agree with me (after all, what would we all talk about then if we all agreed).
