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Old 02-02-2015, 05:23 PM
 
2 posts, read 2,001 times
Reputation: 10

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Mod cut.

Bottom line up front: wife is vanilla while I'm more kinky and I've been having problems fantasizing about other women and roleplaying online.

I've been married for almost 2 years now. We dated long distance for 2 years and when we got married we ended up moving far away from either of our families. Needless to say, the first year was incredibly rocky. Our relationship is now very strong, but our sex life is still meh. Both of us had had sex with previous partners, but my wife wanted to wait until marriage and I thought it might add value to our marriage if one day we got married, so I went along.

I know that everyone says that the spark tends to go away with time, but it was never there with us. We still have sex somewhat frequently, up to 7 times a week some weeks, but it's often more like masturbating than making love. I have problems thinking about past experiences while we have sex and we're usually more detached than engaged in each other.


I come from a rather kinky background with previous relationships while my wife has been rather "vanilla." Sharing fantasies or just simple roleplaying (as simple as soldier/nurse, etc.) and talking dirty can give me such incredible highs. She's not into roleplaying, dirty talk, or spanking, and rarely wears lingerie let alone anything more daring.

I want to be as open as possible and say the weird things on my mind, like the fact that I think that inducing pregnancy is a rather hot idea, or that I'd like to see her with a tailplug, but she puts down any remotely related type of idea whenever it's brought up. I'm limiting myself and my thoughts and what turns me on and it makes sex less intimate.

I think she's limiting herself too. For example, she asked me to help her get in shape, but she feels self conscious doing multiple types of lifts at the gym (such as decline bench press) and constantly disregards nerdy or fantasy type behavior, whether it's that king of the nerds show on tv or star trek or whatever. Growing up she was neglected by her parents and she was always teased by her friends for being the dumb friend so she compensated by being good with makeup, what was popular, being good looking etc. I don't know how to address this when I can't even get her to flirt with me.

The big problem, of course, is that my mind wanders elsewhere. I think about past experiences during sex, I created a softcore tumblr a while ago and repost pics to it several times a month, and I've off and on been going on reddit dirty penpals and roleplaying online. I feel guilty. A year ago I told her that I had been looking at porn and had roleplayed online. She was rightfully crushed and we went to religious counseling where I was labeled a sex addict. Our counselors and pastors labeled anything other than regular sex as sinful.

I don't really know where to begin with this. I know that I'm in the wrong. I don't know if I'm a sex addict or not, but I know that this part of my marriage is hugely lacking.

Last edited by PJSaturn; 02-03-2015 at 10:45 AM.. Reason: Off topic.

 
Old 02-02-2015, 05:28 PM
 
7,429 posts, read 4,448,306 times
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Sounds like "mismatched" to me.
 
Old 02-02-2015, 05:31 PM
 
2 posts, read 2,001 times
Reputation: 10
If so, what should I do? I don't know where to start. She won't flirt with me and when I have asked in the past she absolutely refuses. She has good self esteem in other areas. Maybe it's just a matter of time. Maybe if I go a year without any other type of sexual outlets (I've gone 3-4 months before) such as masterbation or tumblr our sex life will be hotter.
 
Old 02-02-2015, 05:34 PM
 
1,350 posts, read 2,364,930 times
Reputation: 1798
This is what you risk when you wait for sex until after marriage...
 
Old 02-02-2015, 05:38 PM
 
Location: Oklahoma
535 posts, read 367,343 times
Reputation: 481
I am a firm firm believer that kinksters should not marry vanillas. or even really be in a relationship together..No offense to either of them. Its always a disaster. Very mismatched.
 
Old 02-02-2015, 05:42 PM
 
1,287 posts, read 890,915 times
Reputation: 1716
If you have sex 7 days a week, and your sex life is meh, you really can't have the wife shoulder the blame. You are having enough sex, but I guess it's not intense enough for you? I've never met a woman, who can share the experience to really have a deeply originated and multiple orgasms, who wasn't a blast to do it with. Since women are capable of enjoying multiple releases, taking them there, tends to make her always demand it. Great sex is addicting, so my advice is to take your wife there, and hopefully one day you can say that you "created a monster". As for the online fantasy play, that can be just as damaging to a woman as catching you with your thing in the cookie jar....be careful, what you think is harmless and only for release, could mean betrayal to her.....best to be open about that stuff, so that you can enjoy without getting caught, it could open communication to what she really is into.
 
Old 02-02-2015, 05:45 PM
 
Location: Oklahoma
535 posts, read 367,343 times
Reputation: 481
Quote:
Originally Posted by vigueur2014 View Post
If you have sex 7 days a week, and your sex life is meh, you really can't have the wife shoulder the blame. You are having enough sex, but I guess it's not intense enough for you? I've never met a woman, who can share the experience to really have a deeply originated and multiple orgasms, who wasn't a blast to do it with. Since women are capable of enjoying multiple releases, taking them there, tends to make her always demand it. Great sex is addicting, so my advice is to take your wife there, and hopefully one day you can say that you "created a monster". As for the online fantasy play, that can be just as damaging to a woman as catching you with your thing in the cookie jar....be careful, what you think is harmless and only for release, could mean betrayal to her.....best to be open about that stuff, so that you can enjoy without getting caught, it could open communication to what she really is into.
I think this is a great thing to try. Focus on making it super super awesome for her, but some women just don't like sex very much she could be one of them. Definitely worth a try more than a few times though
 
Old 02-02-2015, 05:52 PM
 
1,287 posts, read 890,915 times
Reputation: 1716
If she lets him have it up to 7 days a week, she is primed for it...
 
Old 02-02-2015, 05:55 PM
 
Location: St Thomas, US Virgin Islands
24,671 posts, read 55,660,331 times
Reputation: 26426
Totally, completely and utterly mismatched. I'd suggest sexual counseling but I'm guessing that would go down like a zinc cupcake with your wife. Sorry, but I see a divorce in your future. In my opinion, you don't have a problem and your wife doesn't have a problem - but the combination of the two of you is a huge problem which I doubt is surmountable.
 
Old 02-02-2015, 06:05 PM
 
Location: St. Catharines, ON
718 posts, read 467,931 times
Reputation: 1022
Oh gosh, you're not sex addicted.

I'm very vanilla. I've only had one sexual partner. He, on the other hand, had 4 before myself. I wasn't totally naive, but I didn't know too much past the basics. He taught me a lot of things. There were certain things I was comfortable with, others' that took me some time to get past the initial awkwardness. But I was openminded. He always gave me an opportunity to say no and nothing was ever pressured onto me. Despite the relationship not working out, I'm glad it happened that way and with whom it happened with.

The most important thing was that we communicated. He expressed his thoughts and ideas to me, I took them in and let him know what I felt was doable and we went from there. There was no hesitation, no judgement or shyness. We were honest with each other. Perhaps, you should just come clean about your dissatisfaction. I mean, she probably has a feeling.

Being vanilla doesn't mean you're incapable of trying new things or learning from someone. Who knows, maybe you can throw some sprinkles on her?

You don't have to choose between being in a boring, sexless marriage or scavenging the internet for some release.

Communication.

If she's not willing to hear it, or wants to remain "vanilla" (which, is her right to do so), then perhaps you should reevaluate your marriage as a whole. Sex isn't everything, but intimacy and that feeling of closeness is important. You mentioned other issues that makes me believe that the problems in your marriage reach far deeper than sex. Perhaps counselling will help you get in a better place with her.

Good luck!
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