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What is your opinion on the concept of reciprocation in friendships? For instance, if you do a nice gesture for a friend, do you ever expect one in return?
For instance, if you invite a friend over to your place for dinner a few times, and that person hasn't invited you to do anything in a long time, do you feel slighted? Or if you always seem to be the person initiating the plans in a friendship, do you wonder why the other person doesn't step up to take the reigns once in awhile?
I personally think that reciprocation isn't on most people's radar. I was raised to think about reciprocation a lot--i.e. as a child, if a little girl invited me to her birthday party, my mother would insist that I invite her to mine. It seems that that sense of obligation in a social sense is pretty much missing these days. My mother believed that reciprocation kept people's feelings from being hurt. But it seems that other people's feelings aren't exactly a priority for many people.
The reason I've been thinking about this is because of holiday cards. My husband and I sent out a bunch of holiday cards to friends and family. We received a total of one holiday card this season, and although that person wasn't on my card list, I sent her an email to thank her for the thoughtful gesture. Not one person who we sent cards to reciprocated with a card or emailed. We were pretty saddened by that, especially since everyone on our card list is not people we talk to regularly.
What are your thoughts about reciprocation? When you repeatedly don't get reciprocation, does it make you think about ending or curtailing the friendship?
Well, I guess I must be kind of weird, because my thoughts go in a whole bunch of different directions on this. I am guilty myself of having been invited to an occasion, and never quite getting around to returning the favor. And too, I have an absolute belief that there is a class of people who invite others to whatever, more so, to see what THEY can get out of it, than for the company of the people themselfs. Also, many people are busy with their own concerns, and too many invites can become more of a nisiance, than a good, positive thing. And, sending out cards is just something I do because I enjoy it. Plus, I hand address my envelopes. I don't care for pre-printed labels on cards. If I receive cards with labels, I'm still glad to get them though. Most of the time, I don't receive very many, in spite of having sent to the same people for many years. It really doesn't bother me any. Although, this past year, at Thanksgiving, my fiance sent me an e-card, and it kind of burn't my butt a little. I mean, I work considerably more hours than she does, and if I can get out and get a real card, than so can she! But, most of the time, it doesn't bother me any, if people don't return favors. I put it that way, because I can't remember how to spell that fancy word.
First, since this part of the original post caught my eye first, I didn't send out any holiday cards this year. But I warned my friends/family about it in advance. They know I don't do Christmas except with my immediate family. However, those who DID send me something, I was sure to write or call and thank them.
As far as reciprocation goes, I've been burned so many times, i'm sure that now many people I know think I'm just a selfish b*. The fact of the matter is that I don't think people that I think about think about me back, and I'm slowly growing accustomed to it. I've spent so much time caring and worrying about people that only seem to remember me when they run into me. I've been hurt by it too much but I'm done with it. Many of my friends don't invite me anywhere anymore, so I don't bother inviting them either. If we end up in the same place, so be it. But I just don't bother making the effort, because people (especially guys) flake out on me. Some people don't call me even though they claim to miss me if I happen to catch them online or have something I feel is important to tell them and I call them. There's a certain number of times a person can disappoint me then I just flat out cut them off. In fact, there's a thread about one of them that I started in this forum.
I just don't have much faith and trust in people anymore. It doesn't make me feel miserable, but I'm sure it makes me come off as selfish. Let me put it this way, there's a concert I'm going to that I decided to go to by myself... driving out there, hotel, everything. I know there's a couple people that would probably like to ride with me, but I won't allow it because I mentioned something about the concert to at least one of them, and, well that person actually is the flake that I talked about in my other thread. So screw him, you know? And the other person apparently slandered me to the band I'm going to see the last time she saw them (stupid convoluted drama that i'm not getting into). So I think I'll have a better time alone.
I have friends that I do things for on occasion when they REALLY need something, Like a meal when someone is sick or a card when their life sucks. These are the people who distance them selves from a deeper friendship - for WHATEVER reason. It's NONE of my business unless they want it to be. If they feed just enough info to me, that I know they need something/someone, then I can "hear" that they still need a friend - even one on the fringe of their "world". If that information flow halts, then I do too - side effect caused by them.
And I have a couple of girl friends where we do things back and forth for each other all the time. It's like a game, we try to out-do thoughtful gestures for each other.... Like decorating each other's cars with candy canes, in secret, for Xmas. Or a card just saying "Thanx".
If you give - give with out strings attached. Otherwise, it's not a gift.
My boyfriend and I have discussed this topic a lot. Reciprocation is important to us. It doesn't have to be an even trade, like a dinner for a dinner. But we do expect a gesture back if we have done something exceptional for them. What happens with us is that if our friends have car issues, they call us up first. We have the knowledge, the tools and the parts to solve a lot of common problems. Once we did a big favor for someone, the part was worth about $175 and he didn't pay back my boyfriend for about a month. But it took me embarrassing him at work to get the issue solved. And at that point, I just banished him from our lives. He never really was a real friend, but a roommate of a real friend. He was just a hanger on, mooch kind of person.
Anyway, to keep our sanity, we distinguish between our real friends, work friends and casual acquaintances. Only our real friends get VIP treatment from us. The rest we might do something minimally nice for them, but we don't expect them to do anything back for us and they usually don't. It seems to be a very self centered world these days.
Regarding family and friends (my friends are people I've known for years... I don't have "close" friends. You're either a friend or you aren't), I'd do what I can without expectations of anything in return. It's just how I roll as a son, a brother, a boyfriend, and a friend. Though, I know they would do the same for me.
Regarding acquaintances (classmates, coworkers, etc), I'm willing to do a favor. However, if the person's unwilling to return the favor I'll cut ties with him faster than grass grows (or something)! This is actually a bridge acquaintances cross before they become my friend. It's a test, so to speak. If they offer some kind of help or they return a favor/money unprompted, they're on their way across the bridge. Though, if they stutter the bridge will collapse... and we know how much a pain it is to reconstruct a bridge.
Regarding people I don't know (strangers, friend of a friend, etc), no favors. Not even a sorry for the last statement. If I don't know ya, you won't get anything from me. I don't give money to random people that ask for it (and these people aren't even homeless nor in desperate need! Just some losers trying to score some free cash). I used to be naive (different from caring and nice) but I'm done with that. I look out for loved ones and myself.
Regarding Jennifer Aniston, I'll give her everything, including my friends and family. She doesn't even have to ask! Though... to be honest, I would want some kind of reciprocation
We've been in this situation where we've been over to a friends' house multiple times and haven't reciprocated..... It isn't meant as a slight to the other people. It's usually because we're self-conscious that where we are living is too small, we don't have a dining room table, etc.... It's out of embarrassment more than anything.
We keep telling ourselves when we buy our house that we will make CERTAIN to entertain more.... Hopefully we still have friends by that point. Didn't realize how slighted the other side can feel when they don't understand the reasoning behind it.
I think reciprocation is important, but it doesn't have to be "parallel". That is, you might invite a friend out to dinner. That friend might give you a kind word when you have a problem. That's reciprocation. People just have different ways of being a friend.
On the other hand, I've come to accept that some friendships are just "uneven". In some friendships, I seem to be the one always asking a friend for "advice". But in other friendships, I am always the one being asked for advice and support. So for me, that evens things out - both are uneven, but taken together, there is 'evenness'.
There is also just plain old etiquette. If you receive a Christmas/holiday card from someone you didn't send a card, you send a late card with some personal thoughts. I think that's the "official" etiquette on that . [Of course, I didn't send a single card this year since I just moved and am completely disorganized].
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