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Old 02-10-2015, 04:24 PM
 
5 posts, read 3,310 times
Reputation: 10

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First time poster here. Found this site a few weeks ago trying to find advice on the issue I am currently experiencing. I will try the keep it brief and to the point, but a little info about me first. I am a 42 year old male who is recently divorced. Three kids who are 18yrs or older and recently just started working on my bachelors degree since my company offered to pay for it. I was with my ex-wife for 24 years, but our marriage basically fell apart 15yrs ago due to her infidelities. We chose to try and stick it out for the sake of the kids and a stable environment. Ex-wife and I never fought but just no intimacy really. Once they were of age we pretty much went our seperate ways peacefully.

Now the issue I am having is when I divorced I moved in with a female coworker who I have been close friends with about 13yrs. It is a great set up as we share a 2 bedroom apartment and pretty much split all the living expenses. I am pretty much debt free so it gives us lots of opportunity to hang out, go to dinner, or even travel. I would say she is my best friend in all ways.

Problem I have is I have secretly been in love with this women well over 10yrs. I never made a move or expressed this to her as I would never physically cheat on any women. I assume I could be/am in the safe friend zone, but I just cannot believe after all these years she has no idea. She is 43 and had a history of very toxic relationships when she was younger (going for the bad boy), but is nothing like that now.

I want to finally tell her how I feel, but am afraid it would scare her off since we live together and work in the same building. I say coworker, but actually we are seperate in that she actually works for the branch and I am a purchasing manager that just offices out of the building. We see each other all the time but just because we enjoy each other's company.

Literally have no idea what to do here as I do not want to break up what we have, but also don't want to look back 10 years from now regretting never telling her how I felt. I guess you could say she is my perfect dream girl, but guessing that is pretty childish. I do know we have a chemistry and just feels right, but no idea on how she sees it. Just curious on anyone else's thoughts on this. Sad that a 42yr old feels and sounds like a giddy teenager but this is starting to make me a bit crazy and distracting me professionally. Any thoughts?
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Old 02-10-2015, 04:33 PM
 
1,287 posts, read 894,230 times
Reputation: 1716
First off, you are in no position to feel real love. You just got divorced to a woman, who you were married for 20 years. It doesn't matter if you felt nothing 13 years ago, the simple fact is that you continued on with it. You are going to need to fully process your new life alone. The changes your relationship with your kids will have. You can continue to believe that your new relationship is love, but I would guarantee, your feelings will be going through a roller coaster ride of ups and downs. You are the last person in the world who can feel that genuine love. Sorry to be real about it, but I have had my own experiences with women who left long term relationships. While they were fun, they were never real, and forever.
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Old 02-10-2015, 04:43 PM
 
Location: Brentwood, Tennessee
39,386 posts, read 38,007,942 times
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You have a LOT to lose.

You risk losing a friend, a job AND a place to live.

Y'all have NEVER talked about feelings before??
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Old 02-10-2015, 04:47 PM
 
Location: Denver and Boston
1,702 posts, read 1,444,510 times
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My thoughts are that if she viewed you as a potential romantic partner she would not have let you live with her. Although you have said nothing about yourself or her, I am going to make a wild guess that you have let yourself go during 20 years of marriage and she is out of your league looks wise, and thus a romantic relationship has never even crossed her mind. Or not.
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Old 02-10-2015, 05:07 PM
 
Location: Oklahoma
535 posts, read 368,631 times
Reputation: 481
Quote:
Originally Posted by vigueur2014 View Post
First off, you are in no position to feel real love... You are the last person in the world who can feel that genuine love.
That is so mean :/
I don't really believe there is anyone who is incapable of feeling love.
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Old 02-10-2015, 05:21 PM
 
5 posts, read 3,310 times
Reputation: 10
I get what you are saying and do not take offense to it. It is a weird situation. I do not deny that. Loveless marriage and fell for another I could not tell. Not saying you are wrong about loveing her but 13 years is a bit of a long crush, but do not deny I now crave intimacy I have not had in a very long time. I guess it could cloud my judgement a bit.

I will admit I do risk losing a friend and place to live if it goes bad. Job is not an issue as there is no rule with company employees dating unless in the same department. Pretty financially secure so I have no issue living on my own.
As far as letting myself go I do not feel that is the case. I go to the gym 5 days a week pretty religiously and she wants to start going with me, but yes she is very attractive but do not think out of my league.
What is the right and wrong time to seek another after a loveless marriage with grown kids? My ex does not seem to have any hang ups at all with dating so not sure I'm doing anything wrong...or am I?
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Old 02-10-2015, 05:24 PM
 
Location: Brentwood, Tennessee
39,386 posts, read 38,007,942 times
Reputation: 74279
None of us can really say when the time is right. Your marriage may have been over 8 years before your divorce.

Only you can know when you're ready to try. But you know this situation has a TON of red flags, and once you tell her, you can't go back.
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Old 02-10-2015, 05:34 PM
 
Location: Denver CO
19,129 posts, read 10,172,299 times
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I would agree it's conventional wisdom that it's too soon, although I do know a couple of successful marriages where the relationship started VERY quickly after a divorce. But many women do not want to risk being the rebound woman - meaning there is an expectation that the first relationship someone has after their divorce is usually short term. So even if this woman did have feelings for you, she might not want to be that first relationship.

I'd go ahead and continue to let your friendship grow. Don't assume she's on the same page with feelings you have had for 13 years. But even if she hasn't felt that way all along, it's possible that getting to know you now, as a single and available man, will change the way she thinks of you. Don't go overboard, but treat her very well, and do things to make her life easier and more fun. Hopefully, at some point, it will be clear that she is receptive to a relationship with you.
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Old 02-10-2015, 05:35 PM
 
7,489 posts, read 4,483,890 times
Reputation: 8490
Quote:
Originally Posted by Gcross01 View Post
I get what you are saying and do not take offense to it. It is a weird situation. I do not deny that. Loveless marriage and fell for another I could not tell. Not saying you are wrong about loveing her but 13 years is a bit of a long crush, but do not deny I now crave intimacy I have not had in a very long time. I guess it could cloud my judgement a bit.

I will admit I do risk losing a friend and place to live if it goes bad. Job is not an issue as there is no rule with company employees dating unless in the same department. Pretty financially secure so I have no issue living on my own.
As far as letting myself go I do not feel that is the case. I go to the gym 5 days a week pretty religiously and she wants to start going with me, but yes she is very attractive but do not think out of my league.
What is the right and wrong time to seek another after a loveless marriage with grown kids? My ex does not seem to have any hang ups at all with dating so not sure I'm doing anything wrong...or am I?
You're not doing anything wrong. It is possible you are jeopardizing the friendship you have if she does not feel the same way. However, it is possible your friendship is strong enough to withstand the strain.

And of course, it is possible she does feel the same way.

Personally, I would want to know if my feelings were returned or not.
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Old 02-10-2015, 05:55 PM
 
Location: Oklahoma
535 posts, read 368,631 times
Reputation: 481
Quote:
Originally Posted by emm74 View Post
I would agree it's conventional wisdom that it's too soon, although I do know a couple of successful marriages where the relationship started VERY quickly after a divorce. But many women do not want to risk being the rebound woman - meaning there is an expectation that the first relationship someone has after their divorce is usually short term. So even if this woman did have feelings for you, she might not want to be that first relationship.

I'd go ahead and continue to let your friendship grow. Don't assume she's on the same page with feelings you have had for 13 years. But even if she hasn't felt that way all along, it's possible that getting to know you now, as a single and available man, will change the way she thinks of you. Don't go overboard, but treat her very well, and do things to make her life easier and more fun. Hopefully, at some point, it will be clear that she is receptive to a relationship with you.

This is great advice
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