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Old 02-10-2015, 06:43 PM
 
4 posts, read 2,552 times
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I am a 30 year old woman who is not married but raising three great kids from a guy I have dated since high school. 15 years is pretty close to the actual time it has been. There have been many trials but thankfully I always made it through despite the heartache, tears and revelations. I am not at a pivotal point in my life. Unsure of continuing on this unhappy journey for the sake of our children or recognizing my own needs and responsibility to do what's best for our children which ultimately means separation.

I have several educational degrees and have been looking for job opportunities outside of my current state. As much as I would like to include him in these plans, every day I come to the same conclusion: I want to control my movements, without his questions comments or concerns. I don't want to do the work for him to become stable despite my love for him. I worked damn hard by myself taking care of our kids while in school and working full time. I almost feel as if I have a 4th child instead of three.

To the woman that has been through this, what is making this situation so hard for me to overcome? Is it the time, is it love? When is it okay for me to love myself more than I love another person? I am unhappy. I am over compensating for his failures and lack of progress in his life and I am ready to move on..literally considering a move out of the state in the middle of the day while he is at work.

To the man, although you have been with someone for years and they have picked up the pieces more often than not to keep the family afloat. Why not let the woman go, especially if you know that you aren't hold your own weight..wait maybe that's the issue. He has it too good and doesn't want to grow up, its easier to just rely on the woman to do what she has always done..

Any advice?
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Old 02-10-2015, 06:48 PM
 
7,417 posts, read 4,448,306 times
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What specifically is making you unhappy? In what way is he unstable? Mentally? Financially?
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Old 02-10-2015, 06:48 PM
 
366 posts, read 294,793 times
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Because you have so much time invested & kids together, I think you should do counseling.

You don't have to be unhappy. If he is unwilling to work on the relationship then you should leave him, but I think you should be 100% certain you did all you could to salvage it.
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Old 02-11-2015, 12:34 PM
 
4 posts, read 2,552 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by rumpa View Post
Because you have so much time invested & kids together, I think you should do counseling.

You don't have to be unhappy. If he is unwilling to work on the relationship then you should leave him, but I think you should be 100% certain you did all you could to salvage it.
Rumpa,

I would have agreed with you a few years back but I feel that this man..my man..is settled in his ways. And unless I leave he will never grow. It feels like I am protecting him from himself. I am carrying him financially and we are arguing about the lack of progress which I know makes him feel horribly. I have the opportunity to move upstate closer to friends to a place that hires felons and can be a bright start, however I lack the motivation to do so because he wont put the work in here to prepare. Ill be again footing bill to relocate, maintain completing his applications and prepping him for an interview. At what point will he get some initiative? Is the burden of havinga felony and fear of rejection really crippling him or is it partly me enabling this behavior?
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Old 02-11-2015, 12:35 PM
 
4 posts, read 2,552 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Petunia 100 View Post
What specifically is making you unhappy? In what way is he unstable? Mentally? Financially?
Petunia,

I'm unhappy due to the emotional and financial aspects of this situation. He is a felon and has some odds stacked against him due to things that occurred 8-10 years ago with our fair and just judicial system. He lacks the appropriate skills for gainful employment yet has been blessed inconsistently with the ability to work for two small businesses..inconsistently. So that leaves a few things for me to deal with on the financial side (like all the bills when he cant pay them). Not to say that eventually he has gained much understanding of his responsibility and if he has the money to pay his bills he will. But is that enough? Why should he be riding on my coat tail, driving my car as if it is his. Attempting to control my actions..its all so annoying and frustrating. His behavior varies. He had a tough upbringing, in a nutshell he was exposed to some serious situations, his family turned a blind eye created a monster and now IM RAISING HIM. he has been verbally abuse in the past recent years in front of me our kids and family and physically abusive years ago. My family hates him, my kids adore him. I have been carrying this spirit of brokenness behind closed doors and presenting to friends who of course encourage me to leave. Im unhappy to think that this is it. That there is no knight in shining armor and that I will have to wait and raise this man into the person I want, im already 15 years in I cannot be having this same conversation 10 years from now. Im unhappy because I gave this man three beautiful children yet his fears of rejection have disabled him from learning to be better, to work through the odds.
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Old 02-12-2015, 01:24 AM
 
750 posts, read 606,979 times
Reputation: 1106
Separating your kids from the father because you have wanderlust is not okay
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Old 02-12-2015, 03:58 AM
 
Location: Tennessee
16,227 posts, read 22,002,154 times
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We have this one life. That's it! Be happy!!
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Old 02-12-2015, 08:26 AM
 
4 posts, read 2,552 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by JobSeeker101 View Post
Separating your kids from the father because you have wanderlust is not okay
Wanderlust...That's quite the stretch. Are you suggesting that because I have been enabling this behavior and have three kids I should continue on. Miserable and unhappy ?
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Old 02-12-2015, 08:29 AM
 
16,724 posts, read 13,704,406 times
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I assure you the kids feel the tension between the OP & her husband, and they would be better off being raised by one happy parent than two unhappy ones.

Go forth and be happy.
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Old 02-12-2015, 01:30 PM
 
750 posts, read 606,979 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by convextech View Post
I assure you the kids feel the tension between the OP & her husband, and they would be better off being raised by one happy parent than two unhappy ones.

Go forth and be happy.
The amount of damaged children coming from single mother homes says otherwise.
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