Wife and her texts (attractive, college, friends, social)
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My point with that was she made sure her outburst beat him into submission, and wouldn't reciprocate the gesture. That's disrespectful.
I agree. If my husband felt like he needed to look through my cell phone because he didn't trust me - but then wouldn't let me see his cell phone - there would be a problem.
First I'd like to say that I've never questioned my wife's fidelity. I know she hasn't cheated, flirted, or done anything immoral in that sense. The questioned asked was simply whether I should admit to the snooping in order to discuss my feelings towards the texts. I really don't think there has been any seriousness formed in any relationship she was with her co-workers, including this docs. But of course I'd be lying if I said these texts haven't spurred the thoughts in my head of what MIGHT happen in the future. But again, that's more to do with my own paranoia than it is with anything my wife has ever done.
Ok, so if you've never questioned your wife's infidelity and know she hasn't been unfaithful then what prompted you to snoop?
Or if you're saying that you discovered these text messages before she snatched the phone from your hand then what's the big deal about divulging what you saw?
My point with that was she made sure her outburst beat him into submission, and wouldn't reciprocate the gesture. That's disrespectful.
There's a double-standard, I'm not excusing that. But he did look through her phone, despite her wishes, so you can't call her out for going through his phone.
I would argue that it is his responsibility to have a backbone and not be beaten down into submission. But then again, he shouldn't even protest at the idea of her snooping, because he already violated that right to privacy. At the end of the day, he cast the first stone.
There's a double-standard, I'm not excusing that. But he did look through her phone, despite her wishes, so you can't call her out for going through his phone.
I would argue that it is his responsibility to have a backbone and not be beaten down into submission. But then again, he shouldn't even protest at the idea of her snooping, because he already violated that right to privacy. At the end of the day, he cast the first stone.
I'm not sure I agree with that. But it doesn't matter - trying to get a marriage healthy isn't about who cast the first stone, who is to blame for what, etc. - it's about being honest with your partner, trusting your partner, respecting your partner, and communicating with them. And to achieve all that - they have to work together - not point fingers at each other.
Why is assigning blame so important? IDC if the op snooped or the wife lied. Instead I see a problem in this marriage. You're both being sneaky(sidenote-i don't like that word but its the best description of the behavior). It sounds like there's a lot of love in this marriage but something's up. If you don't find the cause and then fix it (many stop at finding the problem and forget to make changes) this will only get worse. So please don't just ignore it.
I'd venture a guess that your wife got attention from a good looking man and it made her feel good. Then she felt guilty that another man made her feel good so she wanted to hide it from you. If that's what happened she's probably feeling equally guilty and afraid to hurt your feelings. She might be relieved to get it out in the open.
I'm NOT trying to say either you or your wife are in the wrong. I think you're in a tough patch and if handled correctly this could strengthen your marriage. I think its these stumbling blocks that help build the relationship, they give you the opportunity to lean on each other through a hard time.
So get off this thread, grab your wife's phone and go sit down together and talk. Be honest about how you feel and DO NOT FOCUS ON BLAME. Focus on feelings and actions.
Good luck and best wishes.
It is not about assigning blame, it's about understanding what triggered the other to feel the way they do.
This is something people get carried away with once emotions take affect and people's fight or flight kick in. you can't take it as an attack, you have to be open to understanding how your actioms affect others.
There's a double-standard, I'm not excusing that. But he did look through her phone, despite her wishes, so you can't call her out for going through his phone.
I would argue that it is his responsibility to have a backbone and not be beaten down into submission. But then again, he shouldn't even protest at the idea of her snooping, because he already violated that right to privacy. At the end of the day, he cast the first stone.
This isn't about blame or casting stones.
They've both done things that you cannot do when you're in a committed relationship, namely disrespectful and secretive behavior.
They need a pro to help them learn how to communicate and achieve a level adult relationship. Right now it really feels like a parent-child dynamic.
Whether there is a hot doctor involved is really the very least of the problems here.
I'm not sure I agree with that. But it doesn't matter - trying to get a marriage healthy isn't about who cast the first stone, who is to blame for what, etc. - it's about being honest with your partner, trusting your partner, respecting your partner, and communicating with them. And to achieve all that - they have to work together - not point fingers at each other.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Wmsn4Life
This isn't about blame or casting stones.
They've both done things that you cannot do when you're in a committed relationship, namely disrespectful and secretive behavior.
They need a pro to help them learn how to communicate and achieve a level adult relationship. Right now it really feels like a parent-child dynamic.
Whether there is a hot doctor involved is really the very least of the problems here.
I can agree with all of that. I wasn't trying to point fingers. I was just saying that the OP can't defend the fact that he snooped through her phone by saying she reacted poorly and went through his. Whether he submitted to her or not, he was just as disrespectful for invading her privacy.
I can agree with all of that. I wasn't trying to point fingers. I was just saying that the OP can't defend the fact that he snooped through her phone by saying she reacted poorly and went through his. Whether he submitted to her or not, he was just as disrespectful for invading her privacy.
We all know that. This is not a "tit for tat" situation, and I don't think he feels justified in going through her phone.
I can agree with all of that. I wasn't trying to point fingers. I was just saying that the OP can't defend the fact that he snooped through her phone by saying she reacted poorly and went through his. Whether he submitted to her or not, he was just as disrespectful for invading her privacy.
I don't think it is about defending anymore, it's not who is more right than the other.
It is about addressing why things ended up in a way that lead to one snooping in the first place, how it got there and how to they address the issues moving forward.
Like the OP was saying, he doesn't feel like his partner will view things this way and make it all about his actions and not want to address anything herself.
What has happened happened, nobody can change it now.
Whether he submitted to her or not, he was just as disrespectful for invading her privacy.
Privacy? After 15 years of marriage? Good one!
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Good one!
