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whats wrong with this?
Ive made it clear to women that I will not allow them to take over my life, make plans for me, expect me to do anything etc. I will do what I want when I want, AND I fully expect them to do the same.
I remember once my gf asking permission to go to the clubs with some of her friends. I laughed and told her Im not her mommy and she doesn't have to ask me permission to do anything. I told her she can grind up on some guys if she wants, though I would appreciate her not going home with any of them.
I also made it clear to her in the beginning that she was not the priority in my life and work would always come first. 1. work 2. hockey 3. cars. 4. maybe someday her. She then made a list where I was #9 lol
Shes pretty much the same way too, work came first for her.
Why ruin your life and future and all you have worked for for someone that has just walked into your life?
I remember one girl asked me to choose between her and my work. I told her Ive owned my business for over 13 year (at the time) and knew her for 13 weeks and if she made me choose she was not going to like the answer.....she didn't :-P
I could have known her for 13 years, she doesn't pay my bills or put food on my table.
It seems, these days, that people have this ..need(?) to have clearly set borders and boundaries in personal relationships. Rules must be established, regarding personal possessions, areas of responsibility, finances etc. Its as if degrees of separation , along certain lines, must be maintained, unto the point of one or the other partner actually feels threatened if these lines are crossed.
Of course, people are individuals, and that individuality should be respected, however, I have noticed, that many people in relationships seem to be afraid that their partner might somehow be a threat to their individuality. There seems to be a pervasive fear that their partner may have designs on "controlling" or otherwise exerting some type of dominant influence over them.
So walls get put up. The defensive measures, that some couples go to, lose all resemblance to a couples relationship, and become business arrangements, that compartmentalize all aspects of their interactions with each other. Then, there's this whole "alpha" "beta" thing, and one or the other HAS to be alpha. The one in "control", who is threatened by any questioning of their opinions and decisions. The lengths some people go to, so as to even just appear to be the "alpha" are amazing.
Now, there are, of course, certain boundaries, that couples must respect with each other. Allowances that must be made for individual feelings and emotions. That's called respect, last I checked. But , it seems, more and more, that people are less willing to have respect, and want to "change" their partner or feel that their partner must change, for their sake. "If you really love me, you will (insert whatever here).
So, rather than a harmonious blending, based on respect and a real love of who their partner is, with flexible borders that allow for each others individual traits, needs and feelings, this pair of boxed in people, keep slamming into each others , hard drawn lines. I have seen this happening, with people I know, more and more, and it shows up a lot on here as well, in the things people post.
Is there some sort of growing schism happening? What are people so afraid of, that they think that giving a little will result in losing everything? Honestly, must boundaries and borders, in a relationship, be so inflexible? That doesn't seem like love, or even affection to me.
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It sounds to me like someone's been spending too much time on C-D. Do you know people IRL that are like this? I don't.
Boundaries and limits are not something to be feared. Their purpose is to protect values that most of us respect from being eroded by other people. For example, most of us want to be respected, and so we set up boundaries to ensure that we are treated with respect. Reasonable people respect reasonable boundaries.
It's not about controlling someone to fit your ideal, it's about communicating to one another the things that you understand will cause your relationship harm or jeopardize its health and coming to an understanding as a unit, through your indivual needs.
Most of these "boundaries" should have already been worked out or understood BEFORE you even enter in to a situation where they are even relevant. This process is all a part of figuring out who is the right match for oursleves and vise versa. It IS part of getting to know someone.
boundaries are not about losing your individualism....boundaries are about KEEPING your indivualism while respecting those of your SO and maintaining the key foundations on which your relationship was born on, keeping them relevant and giving you and your SO the ability to keep outside influences at bay.
To use a slightly bastardized way of expressing the old way for describing boundaries in simple terms:
Boundaries are like building a fence around your yard. Not to keep everything out or away but to keep them confined and easier to deal with as they come. Without the fence in place anyone or any thing that may want to wander through your yard as they please can do so without your explicit intervention to prevent them as they come and go.
Your boundaries (or fence) is your way of marking your territory to others and also your way of maintaining intruders in to your space.
These are the four main components to addressing and maintaining boundaries in a relationship.
1) Set and maintain your own personal boundaries and respect those of your SO
2) Establish the values that form your relationship
3) Protect those value from different forms of “intruders”
4) Work with your SO to ensure each other understands
Almost all issues that come from People who use "boundaries" as excuses or as manipulation tools are because they never took the time to know themselves and set their own personal boundaries before letting others in. They are not at odds with others, they are at odds with themselves and their lack of identity.
It becomes about placing blame rather than taking personal responsibility for thier own actions.
Last edited by rego00123; 03-03-2015 at 02:45 AM..
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