Welcome to City-Data.com Forum!
U.S. CitiesCity-Data Forum Index
Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Relationships
 [Register]
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
View detailed profile (Advanced) or search
site with Google Custom Search

Search Forums  (Advanced)
Reply Start New Thread
 
Old 03-09-2015, 08:09 AM
 
Location: On the corner of Grey Street
6,126 posts, read 10,083,370 times
Reputation: 11796

Advertisements

It's hard to let go after so many years with someone. I totally understand. If you're in your early 30's, you have plenty of time to find someone else and start a family, but you don't have 8 more years to invest in a relationship that's not going anywhere. Even if tomorrow he proposes and agrees to get a place together just you guys, there are too many other red flags here. Drinking that many beers everyday is NOT normal. Going on a romantic vacation with your SO and having a miserable time is NOT normal. Getting into a fight while out in public and your SO leaving you to find your own way home is NOT normal.

Don't leave him for another guy. Leave him because he's not right for you. There is no way the right guy for you is going to wait 8 years to move in with you. He's going to want to see you every day and he is certainly going to want to see you over sitting at home with his sister drinking beer. Our hearts can justify the very worst treatment to try to rationalize why it's okay to stay with someone that deep down we know isn't good for us.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message

 
Old 03-12-2015, 08:30 PM
 
36 posts, read 31,008 times
Reputation: 23
Welcome back everyone, and thanks again for all the advice. I have thought heavily over this and have pretty much decided in my heart and mind what needs to be done. I will need to get used to the fact he's not for me if he's acting the way he is, and I need to get on with my life. I am not in my 20's but in my 30's and I don't have any more time to waste. It's not easy letting go after 8 years because he became a part of my life, but I have no choice. I informed him once again about my dissatisfaction with the relationship as well as with his stubbornness and unwillingness to move out of his parents house. He said he will do it as soon as he builds his own house (he bought a lot where he's planning to build his own house, as he doesn't want to live at one of his rental properties) where we can move in together. He's planning to start construction work within this year and said he thinks the house should be built within the next 1-2 years. Should I be satisfied with his plan? Still, he's been with me for 8 years and never moved in with me, never proposed, etc. How do I know that once he's done building his house that he'll in fact move out of his parents' house? But the house aside, I have an even bigger problem with his beer drinking and the way he's treated me many times. So I told him I won't be seeing him for a while (if ever again) because I need time to think things through. I put this relationship on hold for now. He was very surprised and could not believe I'm doing this. Really? What do you expect a woman to do if you've never moved in or even proposed to her within the whole 8 years together? I am very disappointed.

As for the new man I've met a while ago, he continues to be extremely nice and polite to me. He continues to offer any help I might ever need with anything. Of course, I don't know him as well as I know my, now (I suppose) ex, boyfriend. But he seems to have a totally different personality, much more positive and happy than my boyfriend. He also continues to hint at the fact he's interested in going out with me, gently offering if I'd ever like to stop by "here or there" after work, etc. His behavior is undeniably indicative of his intentions. I feel the same way about him, but I am just not yet ready to start dating him. But I know there is a huge prospect and possibility there.

Now, it has been mentioned in this thread that I should not mention to him that I just got out of an 8-year relationship as to not make him feel as if he were "my second choice" or something to that effect. That was never my intention in planning to disclose to him that I've just ended a long-term commitment. My problem is that I am still struggling with the idea I am leaving my partner of 8 years and I need some time to adjust, but at the same time I don't want the new man to lose interest in me by my constant "excuses" for not being able to go out with him. This looks like "dissing" him, even though I am also polite and nice to him. I think he senses that I'm interested too, although my constant excuses may throw him off and he might think I am just teasing him - which I am not.

I like to be honest with people that have value to me. I want to date him when I am ready, just not right now. Therefore, I want to explain to him the reason for my constant "excuses" so that he doesn't think that I'm not interested in him. I just want to plainly tell him that I just got out of a relationship and I need some time to adjust. Is that really such a bad idea? I would simply be honest, that is all. Doesn't he deserve to know the truth? It bothers me that he doesn't know about my situation.

Thanks all once again.

Last edited by 0phelia; 03-12-2015 at 09:11 PM..
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 03-12-2015, 08:51 PM
 
378 posts, read 439,771 times
Reputation: 347
Default Blah Blah Blah

Quote:
Originally Posted by 0phelia View Post
Welcome back everyone, and thanks again for all the advice. I have thought heavily over this and have pretty much decided in my heart and mind what needs to be done. I will need to get used to the fact he's not for me if he's acting the way he is, and I need to get on with my life. I am not in my 20's but in my 30's and I don't have any more time to waste. It's not easy letting go after 8 years because he became a part of my life, but I have no choice. I informed him once again about my dissatisfaction with the relationship as well as with his stubbornness and unwillingness to move out of his parents house. He said he will do it as soon as he builds his own house (he bought a lot where he's planning to build his own house, as he doesn't want to live at one of his rental properties) where we can move in together. He's planning to start construction work within this year and said he thinks the house should be built within the next 1-2 years. Should I be satisfied with his plan? Still, he's been with me for 8 years and never moved in with me, never proposed, etc. How do I know that once he's done building his house that he'll in fact move out of his parents' house? But the house aside, I have an even bigger problem with his beer drinking and the way he's treated me many times. So I told him I won't be seeing him for a while (if ever again) because I need time to think things through. I put this relationship on hold for now. He was very surprised and could not believe I'm doing this. Really? What do you expect a woman to do if you've never moved in or even proposed to her within the whole 8 years together? I am very disappointed.

As for the new man I've met a while ago, he continues to be extremely nice and polite to me. He continues to offer any help I might ever need with anything. Of course, I don't know him as well as I know my, now (I suppose) ex, boyfriend. But he seems to have a totally different personality, much more positive and happy than my boyfriend. He also continues to hint at the fact he's interested in going out with me, gently offering if I'd ever like to stop by "here or there" after work, etc. His behavior is undeniably indicative of his intentions. I feel the same way about him, but I am just not yet ready to start dating him. But I know there is a huge prospect and possibility there.

Now, it has been mentioned in this thread that I should not mention to him that I just got out of an 8-year relationship as to not make him feel as if he were "my second choice" or something to that effect. That was never my intention in planning to disclose to him that I've just ended a long-term commitment. My problem is that I am still struggling with the idea I am leaving my partner of 8 years and I need some time to adjust, but at the same time I don't want the new man to lose interest in me by my constant "excuses" for not being able to go out with him. This looks like "dissing" him, even though I am also polite and nice to him. I think he senses that I'm interested too, although my constant excuses may throw him off and he might think I am just teasing him - which I am not.

I like to be honest with people that have value to me. I want to date him when I am ready, just not right now. Therefore, I want to explain to him the reason for my constant "excuses" so that he doesn't think that I'm not interested in him. I just want to plainly tell him that I just got out of a relationship and I need some time to adjust. Is that really such a bad idea? I would simply be honest, that is all. Doesn't he deserve to know the truth?

Thanks all once again.
You will not leave your boyfriend.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 03-12-2015, 08:55 PM
 
36 posts, read 31,008 times
Reputation: 23
Quote:
Originally Posted by justmeinca View Post
You will not leave your boyfriend.
I asked a specific question. I don't mean to be rude, and this is serious for me, so "blah blah blah" is not really helpful. You do not know it for a fact if I will leave him or not. If you've actually read my response, I stated that I had a talk with him and told him I am not satisfied with where our relationship is going. I am also very hurt by the way he's treated me many times, and it continues to bother me. I said I told him I won't be seeing him for a while, if ever again. You need to understand that I am trying to adjust to the fact I am letting go of someone I've been with for 8 years.

Last edited by 0phelia; 03-12-2015 at 09:05 PM..
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 03-12-2015, 10:41 PM
 
Location: On the Ohio River in Western, KY
3,387 posts, read 6,611,561 times
Reputation: 3362
So basically he an aggressive/abusive alcoholic that still lives at home with Mommy and has commitment issues?

RUN FORREST RUN!!!
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 03-12-2015, 11:35 PM
 
36 posts, read 31,008 times
Reputation: 23
Quote:
Originally Posted by Cav Scout wife View Post
So basically he an aggressive/abusive alcoholic that still lives at home with Mommy and has commitment issues?
He is VERBALLY abusive most of the time when we argue. He thinks he's always right and everything always has to be his way. He has a difficult time accepting my opinions when they are different from his own. As for alcoholism, he used to drink A LOT of beer. He still drinks beer but much less than the amount he used to consume years ago. He does work a lot and works hard though, if it has any importance here, and his beer drinking has never caused him any trouble at work. He is successful at his profession and doing well in this respect. And yes, still lives with parents and sister, and clearly has commitment issues if still hasn't decided to move forward with our relationship. However, I realized I cannot move forward either for as long as he continues drinking beer, living with parents, and being verbally abusive just to always have his way. All of this is leading evidently nowhere.

However, I have also asked a question with regards to the new man that wants to date me, if anyone can give me their opinion on this:

Quote:
I like to be honest with people that have value to me. I want to date him when I am ready, just not right now. Therefore, I want to explain to him the reason for my constant "excuses" so that he doesn't think that I'm not interested in him. I just want to plainly tell him that I just got out of a relationship and I need some time to adjust. Is that really such a bad idea? I would simply be honest, that is all. Doesn't he deserve to know the truth? It bothers me that he doesn't know about my situation.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 03-12-2015, 11:51 PM
 
Location: USA
1,034 posts, read 1,084,366 times
Reputation: 2353
I haven't read the whole thread yet. I did read the original post in full, though. My thoughts so far:
Quote:
Originally Posted by Meyerland View Post
Yes, this. Break up with him because you want to, not for someone else.
This is the truth. You shouldn't leave just because there's another promising person in the future. That shouldn't be the reason for leaving, though I understand that meeting this new guy has given you clarity about what a boyfriend can be like (and what your current boyfriend is not). The new guy may not work out. Assume that he might not and move out with the full expectation that you will be alone for a while.

Quote:
Originally Posted by vigueur2014 View Post
The fact that he owns his own homes yet still lives with his parents is very strange. Has he ever given a reason why he does that? It's not like he has to take care of them correct? Here's my take....He will never marry you, because you are ok with him living with his parents. You may say you aren't ok with it, but because you have stayed all these years, your actions say otherwise.
I haven't read all the comments yet, but my initial gut feeling is that the boyfriend stays at home, and wants the OP to move in with him there, because there it is still "his" home, and not "her" home, and she would never have a say in how things would be run. The rest of the family would overrule her in anything, she would be at their mercy, he could still keep on doing the stuff he is doing and wants to do (like drink a lot every night) and she couldn't stop him. The family is his support system and enables him to keep staying the way he is. If he were to leave that house, all that would stop.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 03-13-2015, 12:00 AM
 
414 posts, read 397,853 times
Reputation: 481
I think he is trying to say that he is just not into you, and hopes that his lack of cooperation will give you the hint. A person in love with you does not have to be pressed to hurry things up. It sounds as if you are a comfy convenience to him. Move on and avoid making the same mistake withthe next man. Wish there were another way to say this, but you asked.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 03-13-2015, 12:02 AM
 
36 posts, read 31,008 times
Reputation: 23
Quote:
Originally Posted by elvira310 View Post
You shouldn't leave just because there's another promising person in the future. That shouldn't be the reason for leaving, though I understand that meeting this new guy has given you clarity about what a boyfriend can be like (and what your current boyfriend is not). The new guy may not work out. Assume that he might not and move out with the full expectation that you will be alone for a while.
Thank you Elvira, and I have realized this long ago, but had no strength to leave. Yes, the new guy has presented me with possibilities and has shown me what I have forgotten: what a real man should treat his woman like. I realize that if I ever start dating him, it may not work out at all. Who knows? I know in my heart that I need to leave for my own good. The new guy is great but I was considering leaving my BF long before I had met this new man.

Quote:
Originally Posted by elvira310 View Post
I haven't read all the comments yet, but my initial gut feeling is that the boyfriend stays at home, and wants the OP to move in with him there, because there it is still "his" home, and not "her" home, and she would never have a say in how things would be run. The rest of the family would overrule her in anything, she would be at their mercy, he could still keep on doing the stuff he is doing and wants to do (like drink a lot every night) and she couldn't stop him. The family is his support system and enables him to keep staying the way he is. If he were to leave that house, all that would stop.
This is EXACTLY WHY I haven't moved in there with all of them. I am disgusted at the thought alone of living there with all of them! I never could.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 03-13-2015, 12:07 AM
 
36 posts, read 31,008 times
Reputation: 23
Quote:
Originally Posted by Emptynester1 View Post
I think he is trying to say that he is just not into you, and hopes that his lack of cooperation will give you the hint. A person in love with you does not have to be pressed to hurry things up. It sounds as if you are a comfy convenience to him. Move on and avoid making the same mistake withthe next man. Wish there were another way to say this, but you asked.
Yes, possibly. But why would he keep trying to give me the hint for 8 years? Don't you think if he truly wanted to end it with me, he'd done it sooner than 8 years? And I am not pressing him to do anything, as I made it clear in my original post. He's had all the space and time he needed yet hadn't taken a step forward to this day. To me, it's just "a little too long". Usually, relationships move towards common goals in this amount of time.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.

Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.


Reply
Please update this thread with any new information or opinions. This open thread is still read by thousands of people, so we encourage all additional points of view.

Quick Reply
Message:


Over $104,000 in prizes was already given out to active posters on our forum and additional giveaways are planned!

Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Relationships

All times are GMT -6.

© 2005-2024, Advameg, Inc. · Please obey Forum Rules · Terms of Use and Privacy Policy · Bug Bounty

City-Data.com - Contact Us - Archive 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35, 36, 37 - Top