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I've been dating this woman about three or months or so - very sweet, dependable, attentive, etc. Things have generally gone well. She is twice divorced and lost a baby when he was three months old, so I know there's some emotional baggage, but she hasn't really shown it.
She has been living with her brother and sister in law over the last two years. I had been to the house, but had never been inside it until last night. The kitchen counter was so cluttered with dishes there was no space left. There was a tub of butter sitting out exposed and had spoiled. Half the dining room was completely inaccessible with mounds of clothes that went as high as my head. It was the nastiest, most cluttered place I've personally ever seen. I have asthma and couldn't spend more than ten minutes in there without having to go outside and catch my breath.
Her bedroom was no better. You couldn't step on the floor without walking on her clothes or other belongings. She was also having me save what seemed to be worthless items - I moved multiple large picture frames (two to three tall by a foot wide or so) that had $1.50 price tags from Goodwill. She wanted to save ten boxes of 24 count Crayons. Probably half the things we moved last night were broken, duplicates, or useless. Her car is also messy, but not really abnormally so.
I am a pretty clean person, but not an absolute neat freak. I never leave perishable items for longer than I am using them, take out trash at least every other day, never let clothes accumulate on the floor, etc. I know all of this hoard is not hers, but I am concerned about the number of items she seems to be keeping that are of little value and questionable use. I was originally going to help her, two brothers, nephew, and sister in law help move today, but I told her I couldn't be in that house. I told her I would come over tomorrow and help sort and unload the items.
Do what you said you will help with tomorrow then plan on not going back to the house unless it stays cleaned up.
Otherwise you cannot change her ways and I would advise not inviting her to move in with you or allow her to keep anything at your place, even for a short period of time.
If anyone remembers what I say here... one thing I don't do is advocate breaking up quickly.... I usually say to try and make it work.... in the case of hoarders, if you are new to the relationship, I'd say run run like the wind and run as fast as you're little legs can carry you...
That hording seems so insurmountable that I couldn't imagine getting involved with that......
It's one thing to be alone and hoarding, but a whole family of hoarders would be quite a challenge to conquer. Myself, if I can't walk through a place without gagging....rotten butter....I would never return. Tell her the truth, tell her how you feel about it
After watching those A&E hoarder shows, I'm scarred for life. No way would I ever put myself in that position. However, if she's simply very, very messy, then you can probably work with that. At the end of the day, her messiness won't affect you unless you decide to move in together. You just started dating her so I don't think that's coming up, but if that's where the relationship is heading -- perhaps have a conversation with her and ask her where the messiness comes from? Why she lets it get that bad? Is it her or the in laws? etc. Hoarding is a disease though, so if you're planning to stick it out, prepare yourself for some serious sh*t.
At this point, I'm really not sure how much of the problem is hers or that of her brother/sis in law.
You said she was collecting big boxes of crayons. Who really needs crayons, and why more than one box? She's a hoarder.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Emigrations;
She was also having me save what seemed to be worthless items - I moved multiple large picture frames (two to three tall by a foot wide or so) that had $1.50 price tags from Goodwill. She wanted to save ten boxes of 24 count Crayons. Probably half the things we moved last night were broken, duplicates, or useless. Her car is also messy, but not really abnormally so.
Because she's from (or with) a family of hoarders, she probably doesn't realize that it's an illness, and not normal.
I'm kind of with Chow, in that I'd at least be poised for an escape. On the other hand, Ashley's right, too. If this woman is someone you really like and you've been dating for a couple of months, then a respectful but honest conversation about it is not out of order. As Ruth says, she might not even realize it's as bad as it is, and perhaps she needs a wake-up call.
Did it seem like there might be some dead cats hidden in the hoard?
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