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Old 03-15-2015, 12:50 PM
 
35,121 posts, read 39,996,116 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by DennyCrane View Post
Hopefully this won't turn into a gender war. This post is really about one particular woman, not the entire female gender. Having said that, this question is probably best answered by the women on this forum who can give me more insight into this woman's thinking, though I'm sure it won't stop the men from chiming in.

A little background (my apologies for the length, but it's necessary to get a full picture of what I'm dealing with):

I have/had a female friend. Let's call her Jill. We're very close, kinda like older brother/kid sister. No interest in being more than friends. We've each dated other people and never had any issues. Two months ago, I started dating someone. Let's call her Mary. Jill, Mary, and I were all friends prior to me dating Mary. We all lived in neighboring apartment complexes. But Mary was more of a casual friend, not someone Jill and I were close to. When I first started dating Mary, I didn't tell Jill. I knew there was the potential for it to be awkward since Mary was a mutual friend. I wanted to see how things progressed first. If we didn't hit it off or discovered that we couldn't stand each other, no point in telling Jill. But, to my delight, we did it hit off. After the third date, I decided to tell Jill. Instead of being happy for me, Jill was upset. First, she was upset that I didn't tell her sooner. Second, she was under the mistaken impression that everyone knew about this but her. Third, Jill proceeded to make insulting comments about Mary's looks and personality. That pretty much ended my friendship with Jill, or at least put it on hold.

Two months later, things are going great with Mary. Out of the blue, Jill decides to reach out and begin a dialogue again. We don't talk about Mary or anything that was said before, just engage in small talk to try to reestablish a connection. It's clear Jill wants to be friends again, but she's trying to get past some of the hurtful things that were said on both sides. I agree to give her time and don't pressure her to meet. One evening, Mary invites me to an event at her apartment complex that Jill also attends. I knew ahead of time Jill might be there since residents of her complex were invited. And Jill knew that Mary would probably be there since she lives at the complex. I thought about giving Jill a warning that I'd be there with Mary, but I decided to just see how things played out. Since we'd already been talking for several days prior, the ice had been thawed. At the event, I didn't go up to Jill. I waited to see if she would approach me and was intent on being friendly with her if she looked my way or approached. Eventually she had to pass me since I was at the bar. She looked nervous, but I said hi, even gave a friendly hug to let her know I wasn't mad at her. She chatted briefly with me, made absolutely no eye contact with Mary who was standing next to me, and then moved on.

Later, she texts me to say it was awkward, that I should've told her I was going to be there with Mary, and that she and I were "flaunting" our relationship. I took issue with that. Mary and I stood next to each other most of the night, be weren't all over each other or trying to show off. So now Jill and I are back to not talking.

Now, you would think everything I just typed out describes behavior you'd see in junior high or high school. Sadly, Jill is in her 40s. So here's my question. How should I interpret Jill's behavior? I've had friends say Jill likes me and is upset that I'm dating someone else. I've had others say that Jill is just upset because she sees Mary as a threat who's taking away her friend. What do you think? How should I handle the situation? Was I wrong not to warn Jill? And how common is this type of behavior?
I think I would leave Jill to stew in her own misery that she has created.
What you do in your life and who you date is your choice without giving thought to who might be upset or why they are upset, it is their issue not yours.

If Jill were that interested in a romantic adventure with you then she should have said something much sooner.

There is also no reason not to mention to anyone that you are dating Mary unless you are ashamed of Mary. Just because Jill may have been upset means nothing so be proud of who you are with or be with someone else.
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Old 03-15-2015, 01:05 PM
 
8,468 posts, read 13,604,567 times
Reputation: 7537
Quote:
Originally Posted by snugglegirl05 View Post
OP:

Did you and Mary break up?
No. We're still seeing each other.

Quote:
Originally Posted by CarbonCountyLiving View Post
Also, maybe she is miffed that you didn't tell her. Maybe she thought it was shady of you to keep it a "secret." (FTR I understand your reasons for not telling her but maybe she doesn't. You did say she is immature.)

Is her friendship worth it for you to keep trying to reach out?
Apparently, she convinced herself that I told everyone EXCEPT her when in reality I hadn't told anyone before I told her. As for reaching out, I haven't been doing that. It's she who makes it a point to contact me either to try and reestablish our friendship or criticize me for my behavior.

Quote:
Originally Posted by CSD610 View Post
I think I would leave Jill to stew in her own misery that she has created.
What you do in your life and who you date is your choice without giving thought to who might be upset or why they are upset, it is their issue not yours.

If Jill were that interested in a romantic adventure with you then she should have said something much sooner.

There is also no reason not to mention to anyone that you are dating Mary unless you are ashamed of Mary. Just because Jill may have been upset means nothing so be proud of who you are with or be with someone else.
I'm leaving Jill alone. As I said above, I haven't been trying to reestablish our friendship. I'm giving her time to figure out what she wants. As for your last paragraph, I'm not sure why you would think I'm ashamed of Mary or afraid of upsetting Jill. I was never ashamed of Mary. The only reason I didn't tell Jill about me dating Mary right from the outset is because we had only been on a couple of dates together. We wanted to wait to see how things went first before we started telling other people. It was never about wanting to spare Jill's feelings. And now that we've been dating for 2 months, we're definitely not hiding it. Jill is upset for reasons that make no sense to me. First she was upset because she thought she was the only person who didn't know about me and Mary, which wasn't the case. Now she's upset because I'm being open about me and Mary. I can't win.
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Old 03-15-2015, 01:11 PM
 
3,050 posts, read 2,631,573 times
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Another perspective: maybe she was happy that you were both single together, and now feels like she is being left behind because you found someone?

In the past, have you and Jill acted sort of as dating surrogates for one another, i.e. Hanging out on Valentine's Day when you were both single, being each other's plus one at weddings, etc.?
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Old 03-15-2015, 01:12 PM
 
Location: Endless Concert
1,719 posts, read 1,165,130 times
Reputation: 3268
Quote:
Originally Posted by DennyCrane View Post
Mary and I have moved on. It's Jill who doesn't seem to get past this. I was hoping Jill and I could be friends again and I know Mary wants that as well, but it's really up to Jill. I don't talk to Jill or ask why she's behaving the way she does. It's only when Jill instigates things, like sending me a text out of the blue telling me that I was flaunting my relationship with Mary, that I'm forced to wonder what the **** is going on with her.
Seriously, it all started sounding the same after the first page.

Maybe it would just be a good idea to not have contact with either one right now.

Clear your mind from this entanglement, it just seems as though it's too much time & energy. Let it go.

Go to a concert, weekend getaway or just take a long drive today and take a break from all this.
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Old 03-15-2015, 01:20 PM
 
8,468 posts, read 13,604,567 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by CarbonCountyLiving View Post
Another perspective: maybe she was happy that you were both single together, and now feels like she is being left behind because you found someone?
I don't think that's the case. It was Jill who kept pressuring me to start dating again.

Quote:
Originally Posted by 70's Music Girl View Post
Maybe it would just be a good idea to not have contact with either one right now.
You're telling me to not have contact with Mary, even though we've been dating for 2 months and are happy together. Seriously? Please explain your logic to me.
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Old 03-15-2015, 01:24 PM
 
3,050 posts, read 2,631,573 times
Reputation: 3959
I don't know then. You asked for women's insight and then argue with everything we say, so why did you start this thread in the first place?
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Old 03-15-2015, 01:25 PM
 
Location: Pa
42,628 posts, read 44,075,495 times
Reputation: 24962
Stay with Mary, forget Jill.
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Old 03-15-2015, 01:31 PM
 
8,468 posts, read 13,604,567 times
Reputation: 7537
Quote:
Originally Posted by CarbonCountyLiving View Post
I don't know then. You asked for women's insight and then argue with everything we say, so why did you start this thread in the first place?
I'm not arguing with EVERYTHING you say. But I do reject bad advice, like what 70s Music Girl suggested. Seriously, why would I break up with Mary when things are going so well? The problem here isn't Mary. The problem is Jill. As for why I started this thread, it wasn't to solicit advice. I already decided how to deal with Jill, which is to leave her alone. The point of this thread was simply to try and understand why Jill is behaving the way she is.
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Old 03-15-2015, 01:39 PM
 
Location: Polynesia
2,224 posts, read 1,210,419 times
Reputation: 3919
I'm sure Jill has her reasons for acting the way she is, but I can't see them. I don't think you have done anything to warrant her behavior. I'm not too impressed by Jill. A good friend would be happy for you and Mary.
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Old 03-15-2015, 01:45 PM
 
8,468 posts, read 13,604,567 times
Reputation: 7537
Quote:
Originally Posted by Butterflyfish View Post
I'm sure Jill has her reasons for acting the way she is, but I can't see them. I don't think you have done anything to warrant her behavior. I'm not too impressed by Jill. A good friend would be happy for you and Mary.
If my other friends or family had reacted the same way as Jill, then that would be cause for concern. But none of them did so. My other friends didn't ask "why didn't you tell me sooner that you were dating Mary?" My own parents didn't ask that. And when I showed up to that event with Mary, my other friends didn't accuse me of flaunting my relationship. They were happy for me. Jill is the exception.
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