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Old 03-20-2015, 09:15 AM
 
Location: Fredericksburg, VA
10,626 posts, read 11,019,566 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by timberline742 View Post
Eh, I would say that is ignorance is bliss. They know nothing else (are ignorant to everything else) so they are content. That's their choice, but lets call it what it is.

I'm sure there are millions of women out there that were content with their sex lives in a marriage and never experienced an orgasm and just never knew any different/better, so they thought it was all fine.

If they're ok with that, fine, but its not something that should be celebrated.
I realize I may be splitting hairs, especially since "ignorance" by definition is actually a benign term. Especially as you've explained it. However it carries with it a very negative connotation, so when I counter that the scenario we've described is a matter of contentment it is because I believe contentment is anything BUT ignorance. I've met a few genuinely content people and I always seem to come away wishing I knew what he or she knew. In many ways, content people are the smartest of us all.

As to your scenario, I have two thoughts. First, let's not argue in extremes. Just because a woman may not know anything but her intimacy with her husband doesn't at all mean she has a bland sex life. The example you've described is pretty extreme and a bit of a non-starter. Secondly, with respect to those to whom it does apply, I completely reject your claim that it is not something to be celebrated. So it wouldn't work for you. That's fine. But who are you to decide if something that works for someone else should or should not be celebrated. A lot of people argue the openness we have toward sexuality is not something to be celebrated. I'm sure you don't want these types poking their noses into your business.
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Old 03-20-2015, 09:22 AM
 
35,325 posts, read 24,979,656 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by iknowftbll View Post
Just because a woman may not know anything but her intimacy with her husband doesn't at all mean she has a bland sex life. The example you've described is pretty extreme and a bit of a non-starter. Secondly, with respect to those to whom it does apply, I completely reject your claim that it is not something to be celebrated. So it wouldn't work for you. That's fine. But who are you to decide if something that works for someone else should or should not be celebrated. A lot of people argue the openness we have toward sexuality is not something to be celebrated. I'm sure you don't want these types poking their noses into your business.

She may not, she may have great sex life (how would she be able to rank it?) but I would submit that is was rather common for such people to have horrible sex lives. I don't think my scenario was extreme at all.

People can celebrate what they wish to celebrate. Lots of people celebrate lots things I find abhorrent, and find things abhorrent that I do not: Mixed race marriages were and are abhorrent to some. Gay marriages are abhorrent to some. Women that like having sex and seek it out is abhorrent to some.

If it works for them, it works for them. It's their life. But not discussing it, well, forgive the terms, keeps more people in the dark and in ignorant (uninformed). Information and knowledge is rarely, if ever, a bad thing.
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Old 03-20-2015, 09:28 AM
 
Location: Fredericksburg, VA
10,626 posts, read 11,019,566 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by timberline742 View Post
She may not, she may have great sex life (how would she be able to rank it?) but I would submit that is was rather common for such people to have horrible sex lives. I don't think my scenario was extreme at all.

People can celebrate what they wish to celebrate. Lots of people celebrate lots things I find abhorrent, and find things abhorrent that I do not: Mixed race marriages were and are abhorrent to some. Gay marriages are abhorrent to some. Women that like having sex and seek it out is abhorrent to some.

If it works for them, it works for them. It's their life. But not discussing it, well, forgive the terms, keeps more people in the dark and in ignorant (uninformed). Information and knowledge is rarely, if ever, a bad thing.
If she's content why does she need to rank it? And how can you argue they have bad sex lives? On what can you base that claim? The fact it isn't the life you'd choose for yourself? No offense intended, but that's a pretty lousy standard. Further, it's not like good sex lives are limited to those who have multiple partners, so to employ your example only toward those who are abstinate until married is disengenuous.
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Old 03-20-2015, 09:33 AM
 
35,325 posts, read 24,979,656 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by iknowftbll View Post
If she's content why does she need to rank it?

She doesn't need to do anything she doesn't want to do.
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Old 03-20-2015, 10:51 AM
 
20,296 posts, read 16,464,754 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by skinsguy37 View Post
That's why I posted this thread. Anyone who doesn't wish to take part in a philosophical exercise is more than welcome to exit the thread. Others who'd like to stay and discuss are more than welcome. I'm not trying to judge anyone or place anybody in a "gotcha" debate. I'm just merely trying to understand the thought process of someone who would place such an emphasis on "sexual compatibility", that it would become a deal breaker even if all other aspects were agreed upon.

I'll be happy to share my thoughts and background. I've been married for about two and a half years now. I have a 5 month old son who was born premature. Anyway, when I met my wife, she was a virgin - I was not. We were both 30-somethings who had never been married before. Anyway, when we were dating, we both certainly had that "hot" desire to jump each other's bones. But, I respected the fact that she wanted to wait until marriage. I realize for a lot of people, they would have said "dealbreaker" and would have dissolved the relationship. For me, well, I understood that she was such a perfect woman for me, that to cut her loose would be foolish. I also understood that years down the road, our looks fade, our libidos eventually decrease, our reasons for being in a committed relationship turn more toward companionship than physical activity. So, while sex was off the table, it actually allowed me patience and the desire to figure out if she was the one in all other aspects of life.

Now, we did discuss sex and what I liked, and what she, lol, I guess thought she'd like. She stated things she would not do, things that I didn't care for either, as well as things that we'd be willing to try together if we ever got married. Now you may ask, since I had sex, wasn't this very hard for you (no pun intended), to discuss something you were not going to have with this woman prior to marriage, but something you allowed yourself to have without getting married? Sure it was. But, the more time I spent with this woman, the more I fell in love with her. And, the more I regretted ever having sexual relations with other women prior to our dating. In fact, the girl I was with before I had met my wife, only wanted to have a physical relationship. Well, as a guy I'm thinking, "Hey, I have no problem with that at all!" But, the more I saw this woman, the more I realized we were using each other. And the more I realized that I wanted to be in a committed relationship where love was based on something that could last past the physical realm.

Anyways, long story short, I found my match. We were compatible. Our sex is based on our emotional attachment with each other. We enjoy the physical aspect of it. But, as someone who had engaged in sexual activity with other women that I didn't intended to marry in the past, I have found married sex to be much deeper, more satisfying for me on all levels. Now, I'm not saying any of you are wrong for needing to have sex prior to marriage. I'm just sharing with you my experience. Having said that, I go back and question what is sexual compatibility and why is it so important in a dating relationship? If it's THAT important, why did it work out for me and my wife? Maybe we got "lucky" and guessed right? Who knows?

But, what if a couple, who based their relationship on sexual compatibility, or at least made it a priority amongst the most important aspects of a relationship, decide they're right for each other, again, largely based on sexual compatibility, get married, and then, let's say one spouse gets into a car accident, is paralyzed for the rest of his/her life, can't perform sex anymore, is this couple still right for each other? Would that be grounds for divorce or splitsville?
IMO you are looking at compatibility more as "in common" than as "chemistry". I don't care if a guy likes all the same positions or is a morning person and I,m not, and such things wouldn't be deal breakers. When I think of compatibility, I think of it more as chemistry....some people we meet, conversation flows, you're finishing each other sentences....other times you meet someone and you just seem to be on different frequencies, you don't get each other. You find yourself throughout the date saying "no, that's not what I meant".....sexual compatibility works the same either it flows, you can read each other well, or it doesn't seem to quite come together....that's the kind of incompatibility that's a deal breaker (although not being into oral would be a deal breaker for me too).
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Old 03-20-2015, 12:12 PM
 
12,544 posts, read 12,460,613 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by skinsguy37 View Post
So if neither party in a dating relationship has ever had sex, and both said they planned on waiting until marriage to have sex, then why would sexual compatibility be important?
It's important for the health of the marriage, because sex is important for the health of the marriage. It's not the only thing, and of course there are marriages that for one reason or another are happy without it. But good sex is important for bonding and maintaining emotional intimacy with someone.

Personally, every single time there was some kind of issue with sex in one of my relationships, the relationship tanked soon after. If I'm not getting it at least a couple of times a week, preferably 3 or 4, and WELL, after a couple of months, I disconnect and disengage.
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Old 03-21-2015, 09:46 AM
 
2,327 posts, read 1,336,367 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by cpg35223 View Post
If we have to spell it out for you, I don't know what to tell you. It's just that indefinable chemistry where you think, act, and play as one.
brilliant
and dead on

when you click with someone sexually, you KNOW IT
when you don't click with someone sexually...you KNOW IT

I can remember laying there afterwards thinking "my god what just happened" many times...some were in a good way, some not LOL

New relationship sex with someone you are really clicking with is so beyond awesome I don't even have a word for it...
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Old 03-23-2015, 06:06 AM
 
Location: Greensboro, NC
5,748 posts, read 4,196,483 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by lucky2balive View Post
brilliant
and dead on

when you click with someone sexually, you KNOW IT
when you don't click with someone sexually...you KNOW IT

I can remember laying there afterwards thinking "my god what just happened" many times...some were in a good way, some not LOL

New relationship sex with someone you are really clicking with is so beyond awesome I don't even have a word for it...
Do you think that's because there's a level of "naughtiness" associated with having sex with someone you basically are still strangers with? There's still a level of mystery with this new person, and that possibly tends to intensify the sex?
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Old 03-24-2015, 12:19 AM
 
Location: Kaliforneea
1,234 posts, read 936,894 times
Reputation: 2029
I feel the definition of 'sexual compatibility' is as plain as day. But I'll play along with your philosophical discussion.

You are LIKE ME, but just different enough to make me smile, and occasionally hoot and holler like some Monday Night Football fanatic.
We FIT together physically, as in a gross anatomy kinda way.
You do what I like, you like what I do.
You DON'T like what I would never want to do, anyways.
Our relationship contains all the elements of comfort, familiarity, suprise, delight, loyalty, support, trust, frequency, intensity, and duration that match our preconceived expectations, and yet we take each other to places that we've never known or thought about but we're happy to be there.


In a word: sympatico

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Old 03-24-2015, 03:01 AM
 
Location: Atlantis
3,018 posts, read 3,253,625 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by skinsguy37 View Post
What defines "sexual compatibility",

I can only define true sexual compatibility based on my own experience(s).

I would briefly describe it as being trapped in a hotel room in Cabo San Lucas for ten days with a gorgeous flight attendant, with killer curves, dark eyes and pheromones that were so intoxicating that I needed them just as I did the air I breathed on that journey into the depths of orgasmic evolution.

Surviving only off of a case of bottled water, some Zone Bars, and each drop of sweat she released that I consumed as they formed on the curves of her body that were more than likely sculpted by the devil in an attempt to allow her to seduce any man or outlaw that she could place under her spell.

Both phones locked in the room safe with a commitment to not check them at any point in time, so as to avoid having the rest of the world, which practically did not exist anymore consume any of our time or attention.

The first couple of nights, it was a battle. . . . between two minds, souls and bodies both fighting for control. Both of us not willing to give in or surrender to the other too easily, although amidst the sweat soaked sheets, eyes locked on to each other, reaching out for the next orgasm as if life itself depended on it, without a word said or any implied terms, I gave in. I was powerless to resist the increasingly more depraved acts that would occur. Essentially becoming a prisoner in a cell constructed of my own lust and desire that I willingly walked into and pulled the door shut.

Sleeping only in 2-3 hour shifts, I awoke one morning as the sun was breaking through the open sliding glass door on the deck to find her staring at me. In the end it was her eyes that kept me enslaved. Dark, empty, almost sociopathic and possible devoid of whatever soul she lacked that would have had the potential to give them light. She hovered over me as I lay there exhausted, not just physically but emotionally and psychologically. With each touch of her hand, I was being broken down systematically and to this day I am still not sure if it was I or her that enjoyed it more.

Walking a fine line between pleasure and pain was a reoccurring theme each night and the depth and magnitude of the acts that we were engaging in were taken to a whole new level. Each day in the morning, it was time to actually get some sleep. But not wanting to ignore the fact we were in paradise, it made sense to go down to a secluded part of the beach behind some large rocks and sleep under the sun. I awoke in the afternoon by about day 6 and turned over to see the goddess sleeping next to me on her chest and I watched additional beads of sweat form on her body and observed a few slowly run down off her hips. And if I had not known and been a participant in what had occurred again the night before I would have though I was watching an angel sleep.

But she was not an angel. And I was not the super human, overly idealized outlaw that she had somehow convinced herself (for her own narcissistic reasons) that I was. It was like I was trapped in a moment in time, with all metaphysical forces that were working in cohesion to hold what we had together dependent on her tragically flawed perception of me as well as her own internal psychological damage enabling something to occur that if it were to at any point collide with reality, would wash away as quickly as sand on the beach when the tide came in. As I watched the tide start to come in that afternoon, I realized we had but four more days remaining.

That night we had sex again twice at 3am in one of the pools that the lights were turned off in, and then transitioned back to the room. Once again in a timeless and epic struggle as old as mankind, our bodies merged and in every way possible until she collapsed on top of me and we fell asleep again. It continued right up until the final morning and then it was time to return to the inherently boring world of our lives. But not just return to the world, but return to a world that would never understand what had occurred.

We left to return home separately. Despite being 31 years old, she had convinced her very controlling, although wealthy father that she was on a trip with her girlfriends and the man she was returning home to, her husband also believed the same lie.

It did not end though. Weeks later, I woke after midnight to my phone vibrating and answered. I couldn't understand what she was saying due to her crying. When she calmed down, she initiated Operation: Return to the Outlaw (I gave it that name) and left her house she shared with her husband at 2am with as much stuff as she could fit in her car, and her black Labrador who had his head sticking out of the sunroof of her car when she pulled into my driveway.

It was back on again for a year and a half.

If sexual chemistry exists. Then that is my definition of it.

the Skydive Outlaw

Last edited by Skydive Outlaw; 03-24-2015 at 03:16 AM..
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