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Old 03-23-2015, 01:30 PM
 
4,015 posts, read 5,049,590 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by funymann View Post
Too be honest with you my wife would like sex every day. She is mid 40's.

I would say you are not satisfying her emotionally or you are bad in bed.

So which is it? Do you do the dishes? Compliment her on her beauty? Get her coffee or beverage? Help with the kids? Run her a bath and take the kids to the movies while she relaxes in the warm bath?

Start with those and see what happens.
No, none of the the above. I'm plenty good in the sack, from what I'm told.

I think some of it has to do with the fact that she doesn't have an O [Mod cut.] And yes, I do the dishes, clean house, take care of the kids, etc, etc.
She just has a really, really weak sex drive that we're starting to think is hormone related.

When she was trying to get pregnant, I was the one who was sick of sex, so maybe this is karma!

Last edited by PJSaturn; 03-23-2015 at 06:30 PM.. Reason: Not PG-13.
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Old 03-23-2015, 01:34 PM
 
Location: State of Transition
78,025 posts, read 69,950,573 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by lenniel View Post
No, none of the the above. I'm plenty good in the sack, from what I'm told.

I think some of it has to do with the fact that she doesn't have an O [Snip.] . And yes, I do the dishes, clean house, take care of the kids, etc, etc.
She just has a really, really week sex drive that we're starting to think is hormone related.

When she was trying to get pregnant, I was the one who was sick of sex, so maybe this is karma!
OP, don't fixate on vaginal "O"-s. As long as she's having O's, it doesn't matter how she gets them. Be patient, and try gently nudging her toward trying out some supplemental T. Good luck.

Last edited by PJSaturn; 03-23-2015 at 06:31 PM..
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Old 03-23-2015, 01:37 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by EvilCookie View Post
i'll share my perspective as the wife. I have a low libido, and I'm only 31 but have pretty much have been like this all my life. I don't have an answer, except I believe it is hormonally driven. I do know that no external factors like romance, boredom, help around the house, or attractiveness of the husband play any sort of role. It's a physiological lack of desire and I don't feel like it's under my control at all - I wish it was! I've never had my testosterone tested but I suspect mine is low as well - I'm very stereotypically feminine in body shape and lots of other things. However as far as I know that's not an easy problem for women to fix since any testosterone supplementation comes with a bunch of fairly serious side effects that I for one wouldn't be willing to risk just for potential libido improvement - starting with things like facial hair growth which I'm sure won't make me feel any sexier. I did find that doing weight training and trying to eat more protein helps my drive considerably, probably since it naturally boosts test. levels. Also like someone said it's 'use it or lose it' - I find that even though I may not feel like it, I'll often enjoy it once we get started.

I also find that because it's not generally on my mind during the day, especially when you're wrapped up in the mommy mindset which is so not sexy, I need to make a conscious effort to switch modes at night. Like many women I can't just go from putting my son to bed to jumping in the sack, which is also why it's hard to be spontaneous when you have kids. Spending an hour or so relaxing with a glass of wine, taking a bath, and mentally getting myself in the mood helps a lot.
Also, how do you approach your wife for sex or initiate it? This may be different for other women, but for me personally getting turned on is a lot about how I feel about myself and how DH makes me feel rather than anything he does physically. I want to be pursued and to feel wanted, and I find it impossible to turn him down if I see his eyes burning and him telling me how fantastic I look and how much he wants me. Try doing something unexpected with your wife, like grabbing her when she's not expecting it, giving her a passionate kiss and telling her she's beautiful. Don't necessarily expect it to lead to sex but see where it goes. Don't be afraid to get slightly rough, most women i know love that - when she sees that you want her so much that you can't control yourself. One issue that we have with my husband is that HE likes me to take the initiative sometimes too and to be like that with him, which I can understand but that just does nothing for me and I don't like putting on an act.
Anyways, just some ideas for you. Rethink how you approach her.

Good info....You two sound very similar. One thing I know that I do (and yes, I need to work on it) is that I'm pretty affectionate and touchy feely if I'm hoping for sex that night but if she gives me the signs that it aint happenin, then I tend to pout and then then I'm not so sweet any more. I don't become a dick (ok, maybe sometimes because I'm pissed that I got turned down) but there's a definite change in my demeanor if it's leaning towards 'yes' vs a definite 'no'.
My other problem is that I have to initiate ALL the time. I wish she would initiate it sometimes, just once in a while instead of me always being the one to basically have to ask.
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Old 03-23-2015, 01:39 PM
 
3,789 posts, read 1,732,530 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Ruth4Truth View Post
OP, don't fixate on vaginal "O"-s. As long as she's having O's, it doesn't matter how she gets them. Be patient, and try gently nudging her toward trying out some supplemental T. Good luck.
I haven't checked, but are there any concerns about testosterone supplementation and heart health in women? She's in her early 40s, so chances are menopause is some time off, but when it does happen a woman tends to be more at risk for it.
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Old 03-23-2015, 01:44 PM
 
6,461 posts, read 6,451,897 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by lenniel View Post
Good info....You two sound very similar. One thing I know that I do (and yes, I need to work on it) is that I'm pretty affectionate and touchy feely if I'm hoping for sex that night but if she gives me the signs that it aint happenin, then I tend to pout and then then I'm not so sweet any more. I don't become a dick (ok, maybe sometimes because I'm pissed that I got turned down) but there's a definite change in my demeanor if it's leaning towards 'yes' vs a definite 'no'.
My other problem is that I have to initiate ALL the time. I wish she would initiate it sometimes, just once in a while instead of me always being the one to basically have to ask.
Ah...that used to **** me off when my hubby was only cuddling and affectionate to get some. It guaranteed he wasn't Gettin any. Don't rub my back and expect "payback." . Rub my back because you love me. When I feel loved I feel in the mood.He became more affectionate and we engaged in relations much more often. We also try to make time in the morning, because everyone is so wped at nighttime. (Before our kid gets up.)

Also, getting off the pill helped immensely. It sounds like she may be affected by the pill if she was in the mood more while trying to get pregnant.

If you are becoming moody, that is the death knell for her sex drive. She will resent that and feel pushed to engage in relations when she doesn't want to. It's a vicious circle. I would lay off relations for two weeks and woo her back. Talk with her and make some compromises. What gets me in the mood is feeling love and laughing. Find out what she needs.
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Old 03-23-2015, 01:44 PM
 
Location: Where rhotic consonants are either absent or intrusive
8,890 posts, read 5,199,725 times
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Mostly hormonal, but also psychological. I'm on a roll with being verbally uninhibited today, so here goes: I had had a very physically and emotionally traumatic birth with my 3rd kid, that took several months to *ahem* heal from, and also caused some blocked memories to resurface (not comfortable sharing here). By that time it was quite apparent that the baby was exceptionally difficult and rarely slept for more than 30 minutes at a time for the first year, while I was dealing with severe post partum depression (finally got some help after the failed suicide attempt).

Once that train wreck started to slow down, I got some blood work done, revealing my hormones were all out of whack, which explained why our bedroom antics weren't bouncing back the way they did after the other kids were born. Of course, the only "solutions" we were offered were for my to have a glass of wine (or two, or three), all the while my long-suffering husband was crawling out of his skin with sexual frustration. I couldn't talk to him about it and he couldn't talk to me about it. So, evidently one day he unloaded on a female friend of ours (well, she's actually his friend's mother), and she told him that almost every couple she knew went through this, her included. Aaaand then apparently she and other friend had a little bit of intervention with him to talk to him about what he could do, even though I was the problem. Spoiler alert: they are wise women indeed.
Quote:
Originally Posted by homina12 View Post
Wasn't your problem mostly hormonal? Why did your friends address your husband?
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Old 03-23-2015, 01:46 PM
 
4,015 posts, read 5,049,590 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Sonic_Spork View Post
My husband and I have issues, and one of the ones that troubles him the most is exactly what OP is experiencing. We have been together almost 18 years and this has been going on for MOST of them.

Now some of the factors are more serious relationship problems...I honestly just don't love him in the way he loves me, and I'm getting closer and closer to the point where I can't just be cool and deal with being his wife out of necessity. So we've got a mess, and there is no reason for me to believe that you and your wife, OP, have such a mess. But what EvilCookie said really rings true:



If you are being rejected, your self esteem and confidence get damaged. The longer this goes on, it changes how you approach her and how she responds. One of the things that is very exciting about new love is the sense that you're like hungry animals, just after each other. Grr! Then it becomes this thing where you're a wounded, needy animal approaching with tail between legs, giving the puppy eyes like a dog that's sitting by the dinner table hoping for a bite.

That. Is. Not. Attractive.

In fact I'd say this was one of several big factors that led to the chasm-like rift between my husband and I, sexually, now. I'd tell him if I honestly cared one bit about fixing any of this, which at this point I do not.

Moral of my story, OP, is that I hope that you can get this stuff sorted, do NOT just try and lamely muddle through and let the years go by...because one day it's gonna be too far gone...
We actually have a really great marriage and enjoy eachother immensely. Do we have fights, arguments and have some rough patches, of course, what marriage doesn't, but I don't think either one of us has ever seriously considered any alternative.

One thing I've considered is seeing how long I could go without trying to get sex and when she does eventually offer it up (which she does, it's not a sexless marriage, it's just not as often as I'd like), I'll just say "no thanks, I don't really feel like it" and see if I can put the shoe on the other foot. Sort of like a 'who blinks first' sex contest. Of course, in order for me to survive, I'll be spankin it like 7 times a week, which isn't that far off from my current frequency. ha ha
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Old 03-23-2015, 01:46 PM
 
765 posts, read 766,825 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by lenniel View Post
Good info....You two sound very similar. One thing I know that I do (and yes, I need to work on it) is that I'm pretty affectionate and touchy feely if I'm hoping for sex that night but if she gives me the signs that it aint happenin, then I tend to pout and then then I'm not so sweet any more. I don't become a dick (ok, maybe sometimes because I'm pissed that I got turned down) but there's a definite change in my demeanor if it's leaning towards 'yes' vs a definite 'no'.
My other problem is that I have to initiate ALL the time. I wish she would initiate it sometimes, just once in a while instead of me always being the one to basically have to ask.
Man its annoying to ask i feel you on this one
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Old 03-23-2015, 01:54 PM
 
4,015 posts, read 5,049,590 times
Reputation: 3897
Quote:
Originally Posted by Meyerland View Post
Ah...that used to **** me off when my hubby was only cuddling and affectionate to get some. It guaranteed he wasn't Gettin any. Don't rub my back and expect "payback." . Rub my back because you love me. When I feel loved I feel in the mood.He became more affectionate and we engaged in relations much more often. We also try to make time in the morning, because everyone is so wped at nighttime. (Before our kid gets up.)

Also, getting off the pill helped immensely. It sounds like she may be affected by the pill if she was in the mood more while trying to get pregnant.

If you are becoming moody, that is the death knell for her sex drive. She will resent that and feel pushed to engage in relations when she doesn't want to. It's a vicious circle. I would lay off relations for two weeks and woo her back. Talk with her and make some compromises. What gets me in the mood is feeling love and laughing. Find out what she needs.
ha ha....that's totally me. Quid pro quo. I know, I know. Pouting and becoming unaffectionate after getting denied definitely doesn't help the situation at all.
My wife knows that if I'm rubbing, I'm hoping! I need to start rubbing and probably tell her right away, "I'm not doing this to get some booty tonight, so just relax and enjoy". Heck, that might even turn her on!
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Old 03-23-2015, 01:59 PM
 
Location: Where rhotic consonants are either absent or intrusive
8,890 posts, read 5,199,725 times
Reputation: 14579
Yup, that works
Quote:
Originally Posted by lenniel View Post
ha ha....that's totally me. Quid pro quo. I know, I know. Pouting and becoming unaffectionate after getting denied definitely doesn't help the situation at all.
My wife knows that if I'm rubbing, I'm hoping! I need to start rubbing and probably tell her right away, "I'm not doing this to get some booty tonight, so just relax and enjoy". Heck, that might even turn her on!
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