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Start by telling her how you feel whether or not it is justified.
Then explore why you have that feeling and get in to examples that show her why you have gotten to this point.
I understand you do not want this realtionship to end so you are extremely hesitant to deal directly with it and turn her away....but sometimes you just have to
You can't get ahead if you never hit the gas.
^^^^^. This. You communicate with her, but you don't need to make it a confrontation. You talk about how you feel, how you feel it is a detriment to your relationship. You ask her why she feels daily contact is necessary, what is she getting out of it. You want to open a dialogue, not attack or accuse.
I've been going through something similar and I am having a hard time dealing with the situation.. my case.. my boyfriend too is friends with a lot of his exes.. not that he has many.. but one case in particular ..a woman who he met online before me and they went out once..so he tells me.. she wasn't interested but they are friends on FB..I never checked his FB in the past.. but I took a break from the relationship with him after a year because of the comments and posts from other women on his page.. now he spent a lot of time on FB..his life plastered all over it.. never acknowledging me.. well after a few months of him texting me and sending me flowers and stuff.. I thought he is trying.. I told him my conditions.. the FB obsession had to cease if we had a chance.. I happen to be on FB after avoiding it for months and a post caught my attention.. the person who I mentioned earlier who he only went out with once..he had made a comment on one of her photos.. so my curiosity got the better of me.. I looked at her page and saw many posts to her about how beautiful and how sexy and how hot she looked.. one in particular was posted to her on my birthday..and I was shocked.. I don't understand why he needs to keep that friendship.. so I looked further.. there were many posts to women commenting on how beautiful and sexy.. this went back to the beginning of our relationship..I asked him about it.. he apologized and said he was wrong he wasn't ready for a relationship.. but he is now.. so I said I would forgive and move on.. he is still friends with that woman.. but she blocked me.. I asked him about it and he said he knew nothing about it.. now as far as I know he isn't spending as much time on FB and he hasn't made comments like the past.. he has been wonderful.. so good to me.. more affectionate, but he won't delete that person.. am I wrong for wanting him to? I'm trying to trust him.. I just don't want to be hurt again.. I love him and want a life with him..but I am having a hard time with his exes and this woman..I am not friends with any ex boyfriends.. just my ex husband but we have kids together.. and never post to each other..I feel your pain though..
he is still friends with that woman.. but she blocked me..
She blocked you because he told her you looked at her page and saw his posts. So now she doesn't want him getting in trouble, while he continues to do it. Because if he wasn't still doing it, there would be no need for her to block you from seeing the posts.
Strangely she is a total introvert. She is not needy / high maintenance or someone who needs a ton of attention. She IS however very kind, even to those who have treated her poorly in the past. This one guy in particular, she has told me about, I get the feeling she never got over this guy, even though it's been 10 or 15 years since they were a thing. I keep asking myself if this is something she would throw everything she currently has away for.
And I cannot fathom it happening, but it still bothers me deeply
Well op it appears you answered your own question, if shes an intervert and isn't high maintenance or attention normally with you but has a list of exs she still is in contact with and getting attention from (even non sexually) well thats kinda the opposite of the behavior you know right? The fact that after you told her how you feel, she is now going into the bathroom to continue the behavior. A person can be emotionally unfaithful in an relationship without sex.
I am 38, I have been dating this girl (35) for about a year and a half, we have lived together for about 6 months, I own my home. She is unique in any partner I have ever had in that she keeps in contact with previous boyfriends at what seems to me a very personal level. Texts, chats, facebook, phone calls. This bothered me early on, was always kind of a red flag, but on the flip side of that, we connected with each other at such a close level very early on, we definitely love each other, have talked marriage.
But something in the back of my mind has always bugged me about this contact with old boyfriends.
Recently an ex from about 10+ years ago came back into her life. I was literally sitting on the couch with her one day and she receives a text from this guy and they were chatting back and forth and soon it came up that he was recently divorced. I read some of the stuff he was saying, and it's obvious to me he was hitting on her, saying stuff like "I never gave you the best effort and if I had it to do all over again, I would do things differently" basically expressing intent to get back with her. She was replying. I was getting pissed. She says she's not interested in him "like that", and wants to just be friends. As a guy I know the ex is just trying to get in her pants... he's a recently divorced guy.
Since then, they text on and off and there have been phone calls, but as far as I know, no physical contact, IE: they have not met in person.
While I want to respect her privacy and give her her personal space, I think stuff like this is borderline cheating or at least suspicious.
Having gone through a couple real bad breakups in the past caused by infidelity, I have reason for being cautious. Am I going overboard?
Every relationship needs rules agreed upon by both. I was married to a woman for 19 years in that time she had affairs with 5 men. When they were over I forgave her etc, but she wanted to still be friends. That is where I put my foot down. Finally one week end when I knew she was on a vacation trip with another guy I moved out our kids were teenagers, son stayed with me daughter was already married at 18.
Personally i don't have a problem with girlfriends having friendships. I draw the line when she starts neglecting the partnership or the committed relationship or starts flirting.
I am 38, I have been dating this girl (35) for about a year and a half, we have lived together for about 6 months, I own my home. She is unique in any partner I have ever had in that she keeps in contact with previous boyfriends at what seems to me a very personal level. Texts, chats, facebook, phone calls. This bothered me early on, was always kind of a red flag, but on the flip side of that, we connected with each other at such a close level very early on, we definitely love each other, have talked marriage.
But something in the back of my mind has always bugged me about this contact with old boyfriends.
Recently an ex from about 10+ years ago came back into her life. I was literally sitting on the couch with her one day and she receives a text from this guy and they were chatting back and forth and soon it came up that he was recently divorced. I read some of the stuff he was saying, and it's obvious to me he was hitting on her, saying stuff like "I never gave you the best effort and if I had it to do all over again, I would do things differently" basically expressing intent to get back with her. She was replying. I was getting pissed. She says she's not interested in him "like that", and wants to just be friends. As a guy I know the ex is just trying to get in her pants... he's a recently divorced guy.
Since then, they text on and off and there have been phone calls, but as far as I know, no physical contact, IE: they have not met in person.
While I want to respect her privacy and give her her personal space, I think stuff like this is borderline cheating or at least suspicious.
Having gone through a couple real bad breakups in the past caused by infidelity, I have reason for being cautious. Am I going overboard?
I would suggest sitting down with her in a relaxing setting, over coffee or something you guys both prefer and tell her how you fee and establish a boundary. Approach her slowly with it but then make your point known. It seems as if she's keeping doors open just in case what she has now doesn't work, can't say I blame her, but at the same time that is somewhat disrespectful, but also have to give it to her for not hiding anything from you. If you let the fact that it bugs you go unsaid, you may have massive issues on your hands down the road when you do eventually blow up about it. As a 27 year old man who married young (21) with 3 kids now(no I'm not morman...) I can say communication is the key, and women have a tendency to look at how you approach them and the tone you use blah blah blah...well no one is perfect you know. Let it be known to her that this bugs you, pay attention to see if she has the respect for you to tone down the comm between ex BF's....if not then maybe cut ties? idk man i feel weird giving dating advice haha
Every relationship needs rules agreed upon by both. I was married to a woman for 19 years in that time she had affairs with 5 men. When they were over I forgave her etc, but she wanted to still be friends. That is where I put my foot down. Finally one week end when I knew she was on a vacation trip with another guy I moved out our kids were teenagers, son stayed with me daughter was already married at 18.
OMG dude how did you do this? How did you continue on with her knowing some other mans wick was dipped in your woman? That would be on my mind 24/7 till I got some strange...
So that there is the question. The fact that he's talking some very inappropriate stuff. In text, facebook, and god knows what when they talk in person. And while she may not flirt back, she allows the communication to continue.
How much communication is too much. For someone she talked to a handfull of times in the past 10 years to almost daily contact in such a short period of time. And what started out as out in the open has migrated to away from my attention. But I still see his name on her "recent contacts" in her iphone.
The weekend has passed, and I am going to have to deal with this. It it absolutely tearing me apart inside right now. I don't know how much more of this I can take, keeping this bottled up inside of me.
And the weekend was great, WE are great. And I have no idea how to approach this subject without me sounding like I am accusing her of something. I KNOW that is how she will take it.
When I bring stuff up like "I see him as a contact" or "I saw his text to you flash on the screen" she will probably accuse me of going through her phone. Which I have not. Other than some texts I have seen, I have no evidence that this is anything more than just chatting. And I do not want to come off as jealous or trying to be controlling of her.
So I see this as absolutely, positively a no win scenario for me. Which sucks because I have so much emotionally invested in this. But I can't go on living this way. And I am not going to be made a fool.
I know you're worried about her reaction, but it's only fair for you to ask yourself what you want in a relationship. You have a lot already invested. Thank goodness you haven't married her and had kids with her only to find out this behavior still continues.
In hindsight, you shared a great relationship with her on some level. Letting go is hard to do, but you'll feel much better about yourself knowing that you have self-respect to let a relationship you're unhappy in, go.
Some people are open to open relationships. You guys share a clash in values.
I know it sounds heartless to not want to be the "best" of friends with an ex, but there's always some residual feelings there. I can only see how being close friends with an ex working out if you are the type of person who doesn't mind polygamous types of arrangements. I can see how polygamous relationships can work, because it's not always human nature to find all of our needs in one partner. And, regarding to your relationship, sounds like this relationship isn't working for you, nor are her values what you prefer.
You can't expect someone to change, and it would be unfair to ask her to change. And, it would also be unfair to ask you to change.
You're discovering how incompatible you both truly are in the long-run.. I know starting over is tough, but it's easier when you can take an honest look at yourself and start the process of healing (engaging in activities you're interested in, inspired and feel passionate about). Break-ups are a part of life's journey.. and can also play a role in your own self-discovery..
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