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Old 03-27-2015, 06:10 AM
 
81 posts, read 65,358 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by timberline742 View Post
This. It is disrespectful and contolling. Anyone who thinks that because I'm now romantically involved with them that I'm going to give up a good friend of 10 or 25 years because they're uncomfortable is is out of their gourd.
Understandable, but that is not the case in my scenario... this is an ex from 15 years ago, they were together I think maybe 2 years tops, have had only sporadic contact since then, up until about a month ago
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Old 03-27-2015, 06:10 AM
 
4,483 posts, read 3,130,942 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by timberline742 View Post
This. It is disrespectful and contolling. Anyone who thinks that because I'm now romantically involved with them that I'm going to give up a good friend of 10 or 25 years because they're uncomfortable is is out of their gourd.
True and I don't disagree; however, that is how that person feels. Think about you and your last relationship. You wanted it to go further, while she didn't. You did one of two things. You either tried to push a little bit to see if there's a work around, or you decided we're just not a good match and parted ways. That's the only two options anyone has. They'll push for a compromise or the situation implodes.

My last relationship ended the exact same way. I can't help it, I'm a jealous person at times. It's just who I am and it's my chemical makeup. I'm telling her that her way of thinking is wrong, while she's telling me my way of thinking is wrong. I have one of two choices as well. I can either modify my behavior and try and deal with my jealousy or I remain they way I am and try not to pursue people that will trigger my jealousy. Those are the only two choices I have.
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Old 03-27-2015, 06:47 AM
 
3,050 posts, read 2,631,573 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by 49ersfan27 View Post
I don't care. If your ex means that much to you, then go back to him. Total disrespect to do that when you know your partner hates that.
You know, I'm really proud of you with the strides you've made in the past few months, but you still have a lot of growing up to do.

I'm older than you. My relationship with my ex ended long ago. I have zero in dating him and he is like a brother. There is below zero risk for my boyfriend here. There's nothing to go back to.

However, I value him as a friend. He did not abandon me when he got married; I would not abandon him. That's being a ****ty friend.

Any man I would choose to be with would be secure enough in himself to realize this, and would have developed enough morals to expect me to stand by my friends.

You are young. The girls you will date likely won't have that kind of history with any of their exes, so I can understand how you have your perspective. I also get the feeling that you don't have a lot of girls as friends. But you need to understand that asking someone to cut off ties with their best friend because you are insecure is a pretty rotten thing to do.

In the OP's case, he has a different situation. He really does need to let her know that this is making him uncomfortable, and has every right to ask her to stop contact, especially given what this other guy is saying to her. If the guy contacting her was a good friend who she just happened to date in the past though, that's a totally different story.
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Old 03-27-2015, 06:51 AM
 
35,325 posts, read 24,986,098 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by weezerfan84 View Post
True and I don't disagree; however, that is how that person feels. Think about you and your last relationship. You wanted it to go further, while she didn't. You did one of two things. You either tried to push a little bit to see if there's a work around, or you decided we're just not a good match and parted ways. That's the only two options anyone has. They'll push for a compromise or the situation implodes.

My last relationship ended the exact same way. I can't help it, I'm a jealous person at times. It's just who I am and it's my chemical makeup. I'm telling her that her way of thinking is wrong, while she's telling me my way of thinking is wrong. I have one of two choices as well. I can either modify my behavior and try and deal with my jealousy or I remain they way I am and try not to pursue people that will trigger my jealousy. Those are the only two choices I have.

Do you think it is possible to learn not to be jealous?
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Old 03-27-2015, 07:02 AM
 
4,483 posts, read 3,130,942 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by timberline742 View Post
Do you think it is possible to learn not to be jealous?
Absolutely. It's called communication. With my ex, I communicated that I didn't like the friendship she had with one guy in particular. I never worried so much about her, but I worried about him. He's a guy that will knowingly mess around with women who are in relationships. His moral character is low and I couldn't understand why my girlfriend wanted to spend so much time with the guy.

I told her how I felt, but said that I would continue to try and get to know him, because he is your best friend. We went out of town to a Christmas light show and that was the nail in the coffin. He and I talked very little, because as I listened to what he had to say, we just weren't compatible as people. I had known him since I was in Junior High and I just never liked him, but then, I didn't have a reason. Now that I was hanging around him, I was finally experiencing why we didn't click. We just didn't like to do the same things.

My now ex could sense it on that trip too. I believe for her she really wanted that trip to make me and her best guy friend open up and bond a little, yet it didn't happen. He just wasn't a guy I had any interest in getting to know and I had hung out with him on numerous occasions because of my ex. When someone so close to you is not liked by your partner, it's generally going to cause issues.

I would have similar problems if I met a woman and she hated all my friends. I dated someone like that in the past and it didn't work. I ultimately couldn't hang out with any of my guy friends, because she found a way to not like any of them. She was the controlling type, so a different animal at the time. Acceptance by friends is very important in most relationships I've been in. It's been very important in most of my buddies relationships that I've observed.

One of my buddies met a girl and for what seemed like forever his now fiancé was always checking in to make sure we liked her. No matter how much we said you are a great addition to our friend circle, it took her some time to believe it herself. She's golden now.
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Old 03-27-2015, 07:10 AM
 
Location: Whereever we have our RV parked
8,668 posts, read 7,636,707 times
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The fact that this woman is still quite single and has many past bf's and still keeps in contact should be a red flag. I wouldn't make any long term plans. In fact, I'd make only one short term plan, leave.
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Old 03-27-2015, 07:26 AM
 
81 posts, read 65,358 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by augiedogie View Post
The fact that this woman is still quite single and has many past bf's and still keeps in contact should be a red flag. I wouldn't make any long term plans. In fact, I'd make only one short term plan, leave.
She's not "quite single", we are living together

Let me clarify, she was married and divorced. Been divorced for about 9 years. The one guy I am specifically referencing she dated before she married her ex-husband. So I am talking about going WAY back.

She has zero contact with the ex-husband, that ended real badly. The 2 other ex'es, both live out of state, and contact is MUCH less frequent, more of on Facebook. Both I know there is zero attraction still there.

We have talked about past partners in the past, and this guy has treated her poorly in the past, but is going out of his way to get back into her life.

Obviously no guy code here, considering he knows our level of involvement...
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Old 03-27-2015, 07:39 AM
 
3,050 posts, read 2,631,573 times
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Originally Posted by jacktheknife View Post
She's not "quite single", we are living together

Let me clarify, she was married and divorced. Been divorced for about 9 years. The one guy I am specifically referencing she dated before she married her ex-husband. So I am talking about going WAY back.

She has zero contact with the ex-husband, that ended real badly. The 2 other ex'es, both live out of state, and contact is MUCH less frequent, more of on Facebook. Both I know there is zero attraction still there.

We have talked about past partners in the past, and this guy has treated her poorly in the past, but is going out of his way to get back into her life.

Obviously no guy code here, considering he knows our level of involvement...
I guess my question is, why does she feel the need to speak with him? It doesn't sound like they have formed a friendship.
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Old 03-27-2015, 07:41 AM
 
81 posts, read 65,358 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by CarbonCountyLiving View Post
I guess my question is, why does she feel the need to speak with him? It doesn't sound like they have formed a friendship.
I guess that's the $50,000 question... and is up to me to find out when we talk about it
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Old 03-27-2015, 07:49 AM
 
3,050 posts, read 2,631,573 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by jacktheknife View Post
I guess that's the $50,000 question... and is up to me to find out when we talk about it
Why haven't you talked to her yet???????

This is the thing that always baffles me on here. My first inclination with any relationship issue would be to go right to the source, not post on City Data.
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