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Old 01-16-2008, 03:42 PM
 
5,108 posts, read 7,304,206 times
Reputation: 3443
Many military people do not need to work after they leave the military because they have military income. It sounds like it bothers you. Be honest with yourself about what bothers you but don't expect him to change to please you, that is not OK or respectful in a relationship. If you would not consider living with someone who does not work then perhaps keeping separate households and separate finances would allow you to continue to be with him. How he spends his time and his money and manages his finances is his business, not yours.

I am hearing under your words some judgment perhaps that a person has to work to be "good enough" in some way, that people who do not work are somehow "less than" in your book, you want him to have more "ambition." I don't mean that as a criticism, just an observation. Entering into a relationship means accepting someone the way they are, it is a recipe for trouble trying to get someone to change to fit your idea of how they should be. It sounds like you are having trouble accepting him for who he is, and that is valuable information to pay attention to.
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Old 02-13-2008, 04:32 PM
 
Location: Michigan
2 posts, read 2,728 times
Reputation: 11
He doesn't have any military income.
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Old 02-14-2008, 07:09 PM
 
Location: Missouri
5,744 posts, read 13,933,747 times
Reputation: 4225
Frankly, this sounds like the kind of guy you have fun with, and not take the relationship too seriously.
If you're hopeful to settle down, get married in the next year or so, I would move on. Otherwise, just enjoy what you have going on now. Don't try to change him...if he's not motivated to find work on his own, without your encouragement, then that is just the sort of person he is. If he does it for you instead of himself, it won't work, he'll just become resentful.
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Old 02-15-2008, 12:56 AM
 
3,701 posts, read 5,696,571 times
Reputation: 1337
Quote:
Originally Posted by Confused_Gal View Post
Hello

Here it is in a nutshell:

I am currently in a long-distance relationship with a gentleman. He was in the military for a decent period of time- way before me. That was going to be his career- but sadly an injury halted those dreams.

We have only been dating for 6 months. He has not been employed throughout our courtship. Unemployed for about a year. He is as close to 100% as he is going to be- and there is no reason why he cannot work now.

He is very good with managing his money, and has never asked me for any. He pays his bills, and has great credit.

Here's my problem.....I am starting to wonder if he plans, anytime soon, to go back to work? We have discussed this, and he knows he needs to work. I never hear anything about him sending out a resume, if he even has one- interviews- anything! I love that he is able to manage his money to work for him, although, if we become more serious... I want to know that he will provide, if we ever get married, bare children, etc. I do not want to be the only "active" person in the relationship.

How do I go about this? Should I wait to see if he does become employed? He knows where I stand on this- every household- now-a-days-- have two working partners. I guess I just really want to assure myself, that he has that ambition. I wish there was some sort of test LOL

Any advice- suggestions? I want this to work-- well, er, him too. lol

thanks!- Confused
Was his injury service-related? Remember that being in the service was his career plan, and for whatever reason, he's lost what he anticipated doing for a lot more years. Give him time to come to terms with that before you start worrying about whether he's looking for a job. It takes time and energy to deal with major life changes that happen to a person, as opposed to the ones that a person chooses. If he was in the military for a decent number of years, he has a work ethic, he just needs to readjust to his new reality. When he's ready, he'll get in gear again. And I wouldn't worry about whether or not he'll get hired, the military has good training programs and vets get points when they apply for jobs.

Besides all that, if you are the kind of person who needs to make long-range plans, 6 months is way too early to start. You've barely started getting to know each other.
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Old 02-15-2008, 10:49 AM
 
64 posts, read 174,609 times
Reputation: 64
Sounds to me like this is not really about money, but rather about work ethic. I have been there - this is only going to bother you more. Ask him about when he plans to return to work. If he doesn't or is vague or you don't see him making any progress, it's in your best interest to walk away. Like I said, it will only bother you more and make you resent him. He may not deserve that, but you feel what you feel.
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Old 02-17-2008, 03:00 PM
 
Location: Southern Arizona
188 posts, read 294,364 times
Reputation: 176
Default Wht was the nature of his injury

You never mentioned the nature of his injury. Any injury significant enough to end his military career would most likely result in him receiving disability payments from the VA. In addition, the injury in and of it self may make finding employment difficult. The VA has numerous training programs for disabled veterans, and the federal government as well as all state governments, and most cities giver veterans preference. The bottom line is, it may not be his work ethic, but the injury that ended his military career that is keeping him from finding work.

P.S. you say he has no trouble handling his finances. Where is he getting his money from?
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Old 02-18-2008, 08:07 AM
 
Location: Marietta, GA
857 posts, read 3,075,682 times
Reputation: 692
Quote:
Originally Posted by Confused_Gal View Post
I am currently in a long-distance relationship with a gentleman. He was in the military for a decent period of time- way before me. That was going to be his career- but sadly an injury halted those dreams.

We have only been dating for 6 months. He has not been employed throughout our courtship. Unemployed for about a year. He is as close to 100% as he is going to be- and there is no reason why he cannot work now.
:
How do you know he ISN'T looking for a job?You say that this is a Long-Distance romance. So, I assume that you don't see him on a regular basis and that you talk to him on the phone more than face to face. Is is possible that he is sending out resumes and looking for a job, but he doesn't mention it because he hasn't met with much success and he doesn't want to come across as "unemployable"?
When a man gets injured and no longer can perform the job he had chosen to do it hurts his ego. Even though it isn't his fault, he feels like he somehow failed. I would make an attempt to discover what his interests are and help direct him toward a plan that would allow him to make a living doing something he would feel good about. Those of us who have never actually fought in a war have no idea of the long-term effect it can have on a person. He gave up a lot by volunteering to serve his country. Cut him a little slack and try to put a positive spin on his situation. Remember, he had already picked his career and was working at it when he got injured. Now he has to come up with "Plan B", and with the proper encouragement I'm sure he can find something else to do.
Good luck to both of you.
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Old 02-18-2008, 08:26 AM
 
24 posts, read 63,007 times
Reputation: 23
Quote:
Originally Posted by Confused_Gal View Post
Hello

Here it is in a nutshell:

I am currently in a long-distance relationship with a gentleman. He was in the military for a decent period of time- way before me. That was going to be his career- but sadly an injury halted those dreams.

We have only been dating for 6 months. He has not been employed throughout our courtship. Unemployed for about a year. He is as close to 100% as he is going to be- and there is no reason why he cannot work now.

He is very good with managing his money, and has never asked me for any. He pays his bills, and has great credit.

Here's my problem.....I am starting to wonder if he plans, anytime soon, to go back to work? We have discussed this, and he knows he needs to work. I never hear anything about him sending out a resume, if he even has one- interviews- anything! I love that he is able to manage his money to work for him, although, if we become more serious... I want to know that he will provide, if we ever get married, bare children, etc. I do not want to be the only "active" person in the relationship.

How do I go about this? Should I wait to see if he does become employed? He knows where I stand on this- every household- now-a-days-- have two working partners. I guess I just really want to assure myself, that he has that ambition. I wish there was some sort of test LOL

Any advice- suggestions? I want this to work-- well, er, him too. lol

thanks!- Confused
To start with, reread your first sentence, then reread your whole post. Sounds to me that this person is self supporting at this time and doesnt ask you or yours for a dime or the time of day. I dont think you are telling the whole story about this guy. And truth be known maybe you are waiting for some one to "take care" of you. You do not mention how or where he got this injury. Assuming it is military related, it is possiable he doesnt have to work now or for a while. And if so, he deserves to have the time off. Where do you work. Mc Donalds? Semper Fi.
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Old 02-18-2008, 12:03 PM
Status: "Participant Observer" (set 19 hours ago)
 
Location: In the woods next to the ocean
3,887 posts, read 7,999,426 times
Reputation: 5709
My wife was attracted to me because she knew that I was a rebel and a bum and was never going to change.

I was as well educated as her former husband who was a college math professor, but I was a lot more fun and our life together would be an adventure.

She was right. It has been a lot of fun, continues to be, and will always be an adventure.

And, I am still a rebel and a bum.
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Old 02-18-2008, 12:14 PM
Status: "Count your Blessings" (set 28 days ago)
 
Location: Capitan, NM
7,064 posts, read 11,310,628 times
Reputation: 3323
Sounds like a responsible guy to me. He pays his bills and doesn't ask you for money.
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