Issues over husband's inheritance...is this fair? (marriages, women, separated)

[Ruth4Truth]

Some clarification is needed on the details, OP.

First, it's a trust, he's named as the beneficiary, not you. You don't have a say in that. However, he can choose to share distributions or withdrawals with you. It sounds like he's ok with that, if you've discussed buying real estate with the money. That's good news. You can't really complain about that.

Further: the trust may specify that it passes to his child, so that may not even be open to his choice. If it doesn't specify passing to the next blood generation, then the question is open for discussion. He's probably right about his parents expecting it would go to their grandchild, but you weren't in the picture when the trust was drawn up. Still, his parents knew you for about a decade, and they could have amended the trust at any time. They chose not to. That tells you what their intent was. So your husband is right.

In view of all that, you have choices to make. Whose name is on the deed of the rental properties? You can leave those to your daughter. You seem to have enough of your own wealth to take care of yourself and your daughter. At this point, with things the way they are, you should look after yourself. Also, in case of his untimely death, you would get his Social Security benefits, until you retire and become eligible for your own. Yours would be the greater of the two, so you would lose his benefits, but no biggie, at that point. Also, if he uses part of his inheritance to buy a home for you two, if he were to pass away, you'd be able to sell that home, unless otherwise specified in his will. So that portion of the trust assets would pass to you (assuming your name would be on the deed along with his). So far, things are looking up.

Trusts can be a pain. And the frank truth is, that parents often draw them up in part for the purpose of keeping their money away from a spouse. (Some spouses can be very spendy, though this doesn't describe you.) Trusts are about control. It's the parents wanting to control their money from beyond the grave. From that perspective, your beef isn't so much with your husband, it's with your (deceased) in-laws. However, you have your own assets that you have discretion over. You would do well to exercise that discretion, at this point.

Don't let his parents' decision tear you two apart. Just be matter-of-fact about the entire issue, and see that you're taken care of. You've done a great job so far. Keep up the good work, and don't let this stress your marriage, if at all possible. You will benefit from the trust, insofar as he'll be sharing income from it with you, and it sounds like he's allowed to spend principal from it, as well. So, IMO, the picture isn't as bad as your emotions might lead you to paint it. I hope this makes sense and is helpful to you.

[cpg35223]

The minute any marriage starts experiencing a 'your money' and 'my money' debate, it's in serious trouble.

[ScarletG]

Get help or get out. He doesn't have your best interests in mind...and it's only going to make it much harder in the future.

[historyfan]

Be certain that the life insurance policy on his life is an irrevocable beneficiary naming you. Otherwise he could change the beneficiary at any time. That could be an unpleasant surprise.

I would start setting aside more of your income. Consult an attorney and set up a trust for your daughter. The trust could be owner of the rentals.

Also you need consult with your personal attorney about your husband's inheritance. He is attempting to pull wool over your eyes. If the trust set up from his son that would be one thing---it sounds like your husband is attempting to keep assets he inherited during your marriage from you

[JanND]

Gut reaction....His folks wanted their money to go to him, or his son. I think that is what he is trying to follow. I think truthfully...as his wife you will get the lions share of any assets if, God forbid...he goes first.
But....You just said that you've rearranged things so that you and your daughter are covered.....Does his son fit anywhere in those plans?? If not, you should be able to see what he is trying to do.

OP from your original post...."He doesn't want to draw the money out of the Trust until we both fully retire in about 3 years, because he says his parents wanted it to be used to help him in retirement"

He is honoring the trust, his parents wanted him to use it when he retires.....You both are planning retirement in 3 years....But...if anything happens, it goes to his son. This is the way his parents set it up. I do not think he can just liquidate this trust and put it into a joint bank account with you at this point.

Certainly he cannot touch his son's part. So...maybe talking together to a financial advisor regarding the legalities would help you not to be so hurt by this.....Try to see his position. If it was your folks that left a trust for you and your daughter with stipulations...How would you feel if he rearranged your assets to protect only himself and his son??

I can see that you are very hurt....But, you did rearrange your assets in a knee jerk response, so that you and your daughter are protected....Can you go into more detail about that?? Did you take joint assets and make these changes??

[star.crossed]

I have been in this situation. Inheritances and trusts are not the same as shared money. If you were to set up a trust you have the right to set it up as you choose and leave it to who you wish. If his parents did that you have no right to be upset about this.

The real issue is you need to tell him he needs to pull his weight now. And make you sure you set up your own trust to take care of your daughter so she will be taken care of.

[Mikala43]

I can argue the validity of both your sides.


Here's what I think is the important question:

If he does die, does HE have life insurance and are you the sole beneficiary?

If that is the case, then you get "your share" when/if he dies. Then I would allow the other inheritance to go through to the grandchild with no comment and no bad feelings.

[Ruth4Truth]

OP, this has probably been a shock to you, and without understanding how trusts work, it's understandable that you'd feel left out. Maybe after reading this thread, you'll have a better perspective over it. It's not really as bad as you might think. Also, I'm not sure why you'd want him to withdraw money from the trust before retirement. It sounds like you two have enough to live on, so what would be the motive for that? I don't see a reason to fight him on that. After taking in the information here, try to step back, digest everything, and view it from a more calm perspective.

Bearing in mind the nature of trusts, everything seems pretty reasonable. He's fine with sharing with you, but he's only asking you to wait until he retires. So be patient about that, and you two will be able to settle into enjoying some extras when he retires. It's not too much to ask, all things considered. I understand you feel like you should get paid back for your generosity since he lost his main job, but that will come in due time. If you get uptight about this, it could backfire on you. Please try to relax about this, and look forward to the future.

[Rogarven]

Originally Posted by carnivalday

I really do see his side of it. That trust was set up for him before you were in the picture, and was delegated to him, and then if not him, his son. That was the grandparents wishes, and its their trust. To change it would be going against what they wanted. Its separate from you.

Now that being said, he should also have a life insurance policy that will take care of you and your daughter, in the case of his demise.

I have to agree with this. That life insurance policy is important and it sounds like you have enough other investments and rentals that you would be fine anyway.

[Harpaint]

Will your daughter be receiving an inheritance from her own father or grandparents? If so none of that would be shared with your husband's son would it?