Dating at age 50+ (guy, dance, Valentine, divorced)

[Lillietta]

We gain more answers, and mature, by taking a real good look at the reasons why, we were so confounded insistent on the fact that we HAD to be married.

In keeping with this, I do believe that by being alone, at least for a while and reflecting, we know ourselves better and make better life decisions. Those who run from one relationship/marriage into another are asking for failure again. They haven't had time to sort things out and come to some helpful realizations.

[cremebrulee]

Originally Posted by Lillietta

I asked an 80something friend of mine what was the happiest time of her life. She said "When the kids were young." I know what she means. She had a good husband, too.

awwww, I can't tell you what memories my son left me with, God what a whimsical, joyful child he was....but, life does not end when they grow up and leave....actually, it just begins. (smiles)

[Tzaphkiel]

Originally Posted by SBurgess

I also wondered....is the "hideousness" of the divorce related to the "moat" thing? I always thought so ..... Hang in!

Interesting point, the choices I made that turned out not to be so good (euphemism for "hideous"!!!) effected me afterwards in a loss of confidence not in my ability to DO relationship, but in a lack of trust in my own judgment of choosing people to be with. Bluntly I made some bad choices so it led me to doubt my ability to make good choices, in partners.

So now when there is an attraction I notice it and it is a wonderful thing, but I also find myself backing off and second-guessing my attraction, not wanting to make a bad choice again, not trusting my inner compass. Whereas when I was younger (20s, 30s) I felt like I knew everything and was sort of living in fantasyland about happy ever after endings and fate and destiny are putting me with Mr. or Ms. Right.

[cremebrulee]

Originally Posted by Lillietta

We gain more answers, and mature, by taking a real good look at the reasons why, we were so confounded insistent on the fact that we HAD to be married.

In keeping with this, I do believe that by being alone, at least for a while and reflecting, we know ourselves better and make better life decisions. Those who run from one relationship/marriage into another are asking for failure again. They haven't had time to sort things out and come to some helpful realizations.

You betcha, and that is exactly what I did....why, why b/c everyone in my town was raised that you HAD to be married....you grow up, you get married????? Sheesh?????

I had a friend tell me, after I left...he said, the longer your alone, the more your going to like it....you become so new, so in tune with change, you can accept change more, and allow others more....and yanno, he was absolutely right.

And people say, I don't want to die alone? Well what's the big deal, you came into this world alone...personally, I don't want someone to sit there and watch me die, cuz if they do, then, I'm going to have to do it well?????

[GASunshine]

Originally Posted by DimSumRaja

Bluntly I made some bad choices so it led me to doubt my ability to make good choices, in partners.

So now when there is an attraction I notice it and it is a wonderful thing, but I also find myself backing off and second-guessing my attraction, not wanting to make a bad choice again, not trusting my inner compass.

That is exactly how I feel and why I don't even "look" - well, that, and I needed to make myself my own best friend. What a revelation! So, I wonder, as I become more personally comfortable with who I am and how I live my life, will my compass get better? I dunno. My friend compass works pretty well most of the time, so I hang onto that.

[Lillietta]

And people say, I don't want to die alone? Well what's the big deal, you came into this world alone...personally, I don't want someone to sit there and watch me die, cuz if they do, then, I'm going to have to do it well?????[/QUOTE]

You are exactly where I am at in my life - never less alone than when alone. And I have always felt the same way about dying. Please let me die alone.

[Tzaphkiel]

Originally Posted by cremebrulee

And people say, I don't want to die alone?

I do know people that get into relationship or stay in an otherwise not satisfying relationship for just this reason, fear of being alone, fear of dying alone, or just plain fear of getting out there and dating again.

Yes I agree that the time alone is time well spent in terms of really getting to get quiet inside and reflect on where my life is going....face the scary parts of being alone and getting through them to a peaceful place of enjoying my own home life.

And it was such a huge shift all of a sudden when the kids are on their own! It's like starting all over again and saying "Now what do I want to do with the rest of my life?" I am not willing to say the best years are behind me, it is up to me to cultivate and define for myself a satisfying fullfilling existence.

I don't feel it is fair to the kids or me to expect them to continue to be my major source of emotional fulfillment, so I'm not one to sit around waiting for the grandkids to be born, or to live vicariously through them and their lives as young adults.

I do know that there is a real sweetness and appreciation for each other in this chapter of life, there can be a much deeper appreciation for the other person, and the simple pleasure of joyful companionship, that was missing for me anyway in earlier relationships. That to me is very precious, a sort of opposite of taking it for granted, a recognition that it is a gift in coming together. That's what I'm noticing growing in myself

[cremebrulee]

Originally Posted by DimSumRaja

I do know people that get into relationship or stay in an otherwise not satisfying relationship for just this reason, fear of being alone, fear of dying alone, or just plain fear of getting out there and dating again.

Yes I agree that the time alone is time well spent in terms of really getting to get quiet inside and reflect on where my life is going....face the scary parts of being alone and getting through them to a peaceful place of enjoying my own home life.

And it was such a huge shift all of a sudden when the kids are on their own! It's like starting all over again and saying "Now what do I want to do with the rest of my life?" I am not willing to say the best years are behind me, it is up to me to cultivate and define for myself a satisfying fullfilling existence.

I don't feel it is fair to the kids or me to expect them to continue to be my major source of emotional fulfillment, so I'm not one to sit around waiting for the grandkids to be born, or to live vicariously through them and their lives as young adults.

I do know that there is a real sweetness and appreciation for each other in this chapter of life, there can be a much deeper appreciation for the other person, and the simple pleasure of joyful companionship, that was missing for me anyway in earlier relationships. That to me is very precious, a sort of opposite of taking it for granted, a recognition that it is a gift in coming together. That's what I'm noticing growing in myself

boy, have you got your ducks in a row!!!!!! Bravo!!!!!

[Lillietta]

Yes, you're early on, Dim. At the beginning it's a veritable adjustment. Don't think it didn't take me years to feel how I feel and get to the point where I am. Wherever your path leads, I wish you the very best.

[Tzaphkiel]

Originally Posted by GASunshine

That is exactly how I feel and why I don't even "look" - well, that, and I needed to make myself my own best friend. What a revelation! So, I wonder, as I become more personally comfortable with who I am and how I live my life, will my compass get better? I dunno. My friend compass works pretty well most of the time, so I hang onto that.

That is a real treasure, the friend compass. I know people who've gotten together as friends first and I have seen it be some of the deepest, most authentic intimacy there is. Makes sense because then we are relaxed and get to know the person as a person. Thanks for the warm post.