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I dont know. I think of myself as a strong person. I just dont know if I have it in me to start the life again as mom of 2 young children.
Am I happy? No.
But what is the guarantee that I will be happy when I am single?
My wife is an incredibly strong woman. She found herself pregnant and married to a Narcissist who had been hammering her for so long with controlling, passive aggressive behaviors such as those your husband is doing (and was doing last year in your "passing clouds" thread) that she honestly believed she was the controlling spouse and the problem. She just kept buckling down, doing more, taking on more, letting him have his way more, and receiving increasing amounts of emotional abuse for her efforts to try and make things work.
If you were talking to her now, she would tell you she was more miserable than she even realized at the time (and she knew she was miserable). She would say she was incredibly confused and not thinking straight by his manipulative tactics (the controlling tactics are employed to keep you confused and push you further into submission and acceptance). She was afraid to take action too, for fear of change and the future. Then, when she finally stood up for herself, left him, and filed for divorce, she would say it was one of the best decision she has made in her life!
Your not happy, and life is awfully short for that. Lots of people are single with two kids, and even if they have a lot of work on their plate in that situation, life is generally happier without having your emotions toyed with so you submit to the will of your spouse. So no, there is not a guarantee, but the odds are in your favor. Heavily.
So guaranteed unhappiness vs. possibility of unhappiness and possibility of happiness
Hmmmn, tough choice!
Indeed it is. your sarcasm aside, what is the guarantee that he will not get more sensible in future? Its possible (though the possibility is slim) he will change. I like to believe so.
It maybe extremely easy choice for you to make. But I am not you. When I married him, I did not love him. I mean, I did not know him, let alone love him. But over a period of time I did fall in love with him. We built our lives togetehr, made some memories, fought, made a baby (one still going on), made plans on what we want after retirement and so many things.
I left everything that I had behind (friends/family/job) and moved across continents with 2 bags in hand to live with him, be his wife and love him. So, for me to think that it was all for nothing (after 8 years of being married) is really tough. So, yes, for me its a tough choice.
Indeed it is. your sarcasm aside, what is the guarantee that he will not get more sensible in future? Its possible (though the possibility is slim) he will change. I like to believe so.
It maybe extremely easy choice for you to make. But I am not you. When I married him, I did not love him. I mean, I did not know him, let alone love him. But over a period of time I did fall in love with him. We built our lives togetehr, made some memories, fought, made a baby (one still going on), made plans on what we want after retirement and so many things.
I left everything that I had behind (friends/family/job) and moved across continents with 2 bags in hand to live with him, be his wife and love him. So, for me to think that it was all for nothing (after 8 years of being married) is really tough. So, yes, for me its a tough choice.
Speak to your counselor about all his behaviors and see if that counselor thinks he is on the brink of a change. Also, do some research on Narcissistic Personality Disorder. I bet he fits it very well.
Zebras do not change their stripes. Usually, controlling and emotionally abusive spouses don't either... especially when the other spouse just tows the line and enables their behavior.
Those of you that are saying this is normal and acceptable must not have kids yet. You have no idea how much work it is taking care of 2 babies. Besides, I want to be home with them. My days (nights) at the bar are behind me for the most part.
We have kids. I have a set of twins in there so I know what it's like to have 2 babies at one time. I still think it's fine for a husband (and a wife) to have time with friends. My husband doesn't go out much anymore but I wouldn't have a problem if he did. He would have come home first and helped get the kids down for the night and THEN gone out, but I still think it's fine.
Location: RI, MA, VT, WI, IL, CA, IN (that one sucked), KY
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Maila
Indeed it is. your sarcasm aside, what is the guarantee that he will not get more sensible in future? Its possible (though the possibility is slim) he will change. I like to believe so.
You don't even know him. What reason do you have to be optimistic for that?
Any reason? I'd like to believe I'm going to hit the lottery too, but I'm sane (errr, almost).
Do what you will, but IMO, if after 8 years of marriage and having a kid with another coming, if he doesn't really want to spend time with you and make a warm, cuddling, loving family life... it isn't going to happen in year 9, or year 10, or year 15.
I dont know. I think of myself as a strong person. I just dont know if I have it in me to start the life again as mom of 2 young children.
Am I happy? No.
But what is the guarantee that I will be happy when I am single?
The point about taking the steps to become single again is, a) You'll at least be less miserable than you are now, and b) you'll have the option of finding a better husband and father of your kids.
We have 3 kids, and my husband is an awesome dad who spends tons of time with them every day. That's why I'm not bothered by it.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Cardiff Giant
My kids were born 5 years ago and I can probably count the number of times I've been out with friends since they arrived. I used to go out for happy hour every Friday, that's over with. It's not because my wife forbids it, either. I wouldn't leave her home to take care of 2 infants/toddlers on her own. Now that they're 5 they're easier to care for so I do get out now and then but pre 4-5?
Those of you that are saying this is normal and acceptable must not have kids yet. You have no idea how much work it is taking care of 2 babies. Besides, I want to be home with them. My days (nights) at the bar are behind me for the most part.
Speak to your counselor about all his behaviors and see if that counselor thinks he is on the brink of a change. Also, do some research on Narcissistic Personality Disorder. I bet he fits it very well.
Zebras do not change their stripes. Usually, controlling and emotionally abusive spouses don't either... especially when the other spouse just tows the line and enables their behavior.
Oh she doesnt think he will change. She says that I have to make a choice. If I want to live with him, learn the techniques to live with a person like him. If I want to leave him, she will help me cope with separation. Ultimately she insisted I have a choice. For the longest time, I simply couldnt believe that I do have a choice. I guess its more to do with the surroundings and upbringing. Now, I am starting to believe that I can leave this when ever I want to; that I have some sort of control over this.
Just I dont want to apply for divorce this year.
Also, my religion plays mind games with me all the time. I have always believed in the concept of karma. And now I am thinking maybe I did something bad to someone and its appropriate that I suffer the consequences.
oh no no, I am not Muslim. And I also am highly educated and hold a successful job. My parents know about the situation at home. They said that **** happens but they sure could not have predicted this to happen. They support me with whatever decision I take.
What country do you live?
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The point about taking the steps to become single again is, a) You'll at least be less miserable than you are now, and b) you'll have the option of finding a better husband and father of your kids.
Yes, I am slowly (with the help of my counselor) starting to believe that I dont have to stay in a relationship that makes me sad. Actually, what I find is, for a lot of people the choice is obviously simple. I wonder why its so hard for me.
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