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Old 05-06-2015, 11:17 PM
 
609 posts, read 614,193 times
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They all sound like they had issues/were not that great honestly
Maybe you should up your standards
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Old 05-07-2015, 03:48 AM
 
17,869 posts, read 20,964,469 times
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#2 would have stung the most. The other 3 were women with real problems and you shouldn't even give them any more of your time.

Your 2nd girl is going into nursing, and honestly, that's a LOT of school work and you have to eventually put in 12 hour shifts at a hospital on top of all the work you have to do at school. I'm friends with several nurses and one of them runs the ER, I hear about all the work they have to do + the 12+ hour shifts they put in. It would have hurt, but that is very understandable why she chose to break up with you. Being in a LDR + all that probably would have been too much for her to handle.

I would think about sending that specific girl a message just to see how things are with her. Be a friend, don't bring up the relationship. I bet if you stay in her life and when she progresses through school, she may come back.

Those other women are just flakey, too childish, or, in case of the older woman, understood that what she was doing was too fast and caved under a bunch of stress. That really wasn't your fault.
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Old 05-07-2015, 04:03 AM
 
116 posts, read 107,711 times
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Well #2 hasn't said anything to me since Valentine's day 2014. She broke up with me before Christmas but we still sent the occasional text here and there. I sent her a Happy Valentine's message and she never responded so that was the last that I tried because it just felt too forced on my part.

(there is more I want to type but I need to leave for work so I'll have to finish the post later tonight)
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Old 05-07-2015, 04:20 AM
 
3,393 posts, read 5,267,047 times
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I'm thinking there is something about you they don't like. Could be anything from a small tool to your personality to money or your job. You need to look at things objectively. I doubt you'll ever hear the real truth from them.
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Old 05-07-2015, 05:22 PM
 
116 posts, read 107,711 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Ruth4Truth View Post
Wow, weird, OP. #4, especially, after integrating you into the family and all. It wasn't just a little bit of integration either. I spent all of the major holidays with the family. Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years, and Easter was all spent with large portions of her family. I was even part of her Aunt & Uncle's 25th anniversary party and her oldest Aunts birthday party. Her 13 year old wanted me to go to her very first softball game which I attended.

But all of these have one thing in common. "Too much, too soon". Beware the too-much-too-soon situation. "Oh, I'm falling for you so fast!" Potential red flag. That's what we tell women, too.
Too much too soon seems different than I'm falling for you too fast. I get how if I'm told too much too soon that means to maybe back off a little bit, but why would it be a red flag for I'm really liking you more than I thought I would. To me that seems like a good thing. Like I'm treating her right.

Also, I'm kind of amazed that you've clicked with so many amazing women in a relatively short amount of time. 4 in a little over 2 years, it looks like? That seems unusual. Well like I said, I pretty much knew 1 & 3 weren't going to work out. That's why when those two ended I wasn't too upset about it. I believe I am a great catch and from what women tell me that's absolutely true. That's why I think they all like me so much so quickly. I'm just trying to figure out what it is that makes them stop giving a **** about me at all because even when breaking up (except for the first) they tell me how great I am. It's not like things slowly get worse or anything and we grow apart.

#3 was a smoker. I know I don't want to date a smoker. I made her aware of this from the beginning I think even when we first met in person at my mom's house. She told me that she is actually in the process of quitting because her dad is having lots of health issues because of his excessive smoking. No reason to not believe her on that one and I am an open minded person so I decide to consider giving it a try because if that is her only flaw (to me) and she is already planning on quitting it, maybe this could work out. But I had suspicions about it because the second night she was here she was talking about how much she was craving a cigarette. I pretty much knew from there that she probably never quit smoking like she said she did.

For some people, it takes years to find one potential partner they get along with, are attracted to, have enough in common with to base a relationship on, and are compatible with. You managed this 4 times in 2-3 years, including 2 in one year. I don't know what that would mean, and if it has anything to do with the problem, I'll have to leave that for someone else to divine. But it seems unusual. Maybe you have a subconscious tendency to zero in on subtly needy women? Just a guess. I have no idea. I think one thing that women really like about me is how easy I am to get along with. I have never gotten in a fight or even an argument with anyone I have dated. I'm also not a pushover either. I don't just roll over and give in to whatever the woman wants. I'm very up front and honest about anything.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ms.Mathlete View Post
Do you have reason to believe that these 4 women fairly represent an entire gender? Or perhaps it's a case of having to kiss 4 or more frogs until you find your princess?
I'm sure it doesn't represent 100% of the female gender. But imagine shopping for a car and seeing four reviews back to back that all read "best car you'll ever own, then sudden quits on you and you won't know why". Are you going to want to keep trying that same car over and over just for the hope that maybe this is the one that will actually last? You'll probably want a different mode of transportation. But since there are only two varieties of people (men and women), and I'm not attracted to the male variety, it's not like I can choose something different to test out.


Quote:
Originally Posted by MoonBeam33 View Post
I agree with the too much too soon theory. But I will also say this, and you may not like it, but it's something I have had to learn. When everything is hot and heavy and new, the person seems perfect. But with a little time and distance, sometimes you'll see something that makes you ask yourself "Can I put up with this for the rest of my life?" Sometimes the answer is yes, and sometimes it's no. There might be something about you that with after the hormones wear off a bit, and with some space (like the woman who moved away) they realize it's not something they like about you.

No one is perfect. Be honest with yourself.
I'm perfectly aware of this which is why I try to find out what it is. They swear up and down that there is absolutely nothing I do to annoy them, make them angry, make them dislike me in any way. Believe me, I'm completely open minded that it could be something that I'm doing but there is no way I can fix it if I don't know what it is.

Quote:
Originally Posted by CSD610 View Post
Choose better women and quit comparing one woman to another, each is an individual.
Also, if you don't trust "women" in general because of what others have done, that is your issue alone and those in the future have done nothing wrong but you have already condemned them.
Quote:
Originally Posted by RoseLikeAnyOther View Post
They all sound like they had issues/were not that great honestly
Maybe you should up your standards
I don't intentionally choose bad women. They seem fine at first. I'm not sure what you mean when you say don't compare one woman to another. Right now I can only compare the outcome which is what has been similar. The women have all been different. Different ages, different backgrounds, etc.


Quote:
Originally Posted by Jay100 View Post
I'm thinking there is something about you they don't like. Could be anything from a small tool to your personality to money or your job. You need to look at things objectively. I doubt you'll ever hear the real truth from them.
Not to boast at all, but I've actually always been told I have a rather large tool.
If it was my personality, I don't think they would fall for me so hard so quickly
I am a union electrician so I make a very decent living.

But I definitely try to find out if it's something I did. It bugs the heck out of me that this keeps happening.


edit: and after talking with my mom on the phone she did bring up one similarity of all four of these women. They all have been in somewhat poisonous past relationships.
23yo claimed that her husband was sometimes violent
28yo claimed her husband was pretty much a dead beat because the only reason he got a job is because she set it up for him. She also said how she was the one that paid all the bills because he was bad with money.
25yo had moved back in with her parents (neighbors of my mom) because her boyfriend was abusive
40yo was divorced twice and had an ex-fiance' all of which had some sort of addiction issues. She was also screwed over financially because of the bad decisions that her exes made.

But this is the reason every one of them claimed to like me so much. I don't drink, don't smoke, don't do any drugs of any kind. I'm financially responsible (have my own condo and two cars). I have a job. I am not violent in any way. So this would make me think they would want to latch on for dear life since I'm comparatively so much better than what they're used to in their lives.

Last edited by Khohf; 05-07-2015 at 05:31 PM..
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Old 05-07-2015, 05:43 PM
 
1,285 posts, read 1,285,189 times
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I would bet you are very accommodating, super sweet, never cause problems, and that you are super courteous and generous. You are always available, to the point that you always answer the phone, and reply to all texts promptly. Whenever they ask you for something you always say yes.

The only guys I know who get hurt all the time, smother their g/f. They are yes men, who are "sock puppets", "lap dogs". I think you didn't even have enough time to invest the emotional effort to warrant being hurt. That is why I think you smothered those women, to the point they had to leave.

2,4, 6 months is barely enough time to figure out if they are exclusive worthy, take it a little slower, and maybe you wont scare them away.
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Old 05-07-2015, 05:56 PM
 
Location: State of Transition
102,126 posts, read 107,402,364 times
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Well, I think there are different reasons for leaving you behind some of these; the cases aren't all the same. On the other hand, there's that one similarity, that they all had major negative experiences in a past relationship (abusive). So they were primed to fall quickly for a decent guy. So that's how they all began. My earlier point was that they all fell for you fast, and fell out of "love" with you fast. Most women looking for a serious partner bide their time in evaluating a guy. But that issue aside, some differed radically from one another;

One was clearly lying to you and playing you.
One was on her way to a very intense schooling commitment + work, so we can say she got completely absorbed in that new life (even though, bizarrely, she almost threw it all away to be with you).

So those aren't a mystery as to why they didn't work out, and it had nothing to do with you or some mysterious flaw of yours. #4 is a mystery, unless maybe she decided the age difference wouldn't work, or an ex came back into her life, or something else happened to throw her off course. #1 we can chalk up to being immature and flakey.

In the future, you might take your time about getting intimate with these women, so you can have more time to evaluate their character before you and they get blinded by that emotional/sexual attachment. #1 never should have happened, really, since you'd only known her fairly briefly. I mean, if you're looking for a serious LTR, which you seem to be, then jumping into things isn't necessarily the best strategy (though I'm sure there are those on this forum who would disagree). Just a thought.
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Old 05-07-2015, 06:09 PM
 
Location: State of Transition
102,126 posts, read 107,402,364 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by vigueur2014 View Post
2,4, 6 months is barely enough time to figure out if they are exclusive worthy, take it a little slower, and maybe you wont scare them away.
This. I'm still surprised that anyone could find 4 potentially serious partners in the space of just over 2 years, more or less. And clearly, the 25-year-old was far from LTR material; she had hidden character flaws. So that should tell you that you're getting involved with these women too quickly.
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Old 05-07-2015, 06:23 PM
 
116 posts, read 107,711 times
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I take someone who smothers their girlfriend as someone who is always asking her to do stuff and always asking to be around her. #4 most of the time would ask me to join things. She's the one who invited me to all of her family events. She asked where I was at work so we could see each other as often as I would ask her. It was her and her daughter that wanted me to attend the softball game. So to me it doesn't seem like smothering at all. But if it was that, why wouldn't she tell me that I was smothering her instead of just ending it?

As I said before, I will elaborate on #4's split. I already mention how she said she cheated on my with a guy that she met in a bar. I am 99% certain that excuse is partially made up. While I absolutely believe she cheated on me, I don't believe at all that it was with a random guy. For one thing, she claims to have been out with friends and got too drunk which led to that. If she was really out with friends and the reason they were out was because she was very stressed out, there is no way her friends would have allowed her to leave the bar so drunk with a complete stranger especially knowing what kind of state of mind she was in. The more likely scenario is either she went out with only that guy, or she went out with friends but came with that guy who then drove her home anyway so none of the friends had any reason to be cautious of her safety.

Secondly, she broke up with me three days before her birthday claiming how there is too much stuff in her life right now. Yet I notice on Facebook that she went out to dinner on her birthday with her family and see that there is another guy that works at our same site that went too. Okay...maybe this is just a friend from work who was there for support. Surely she wouldn't be introducing a new guy into the scene just two weeks after I was with the whole family for Easter. However that following weekend she makes a Facebook post about how she is on her way back to her hometown to visit her parents for the weekend. That same guy makes a comment of "have a safe trip". Sure it seems like an innocent enough post, but let's be honest. That is more of a thing that females do for each other or what guys to when they're trying to be sweet to a girl. It's not very often that a single guy will take the time to post something so generic for every comment that someone makes on Facebook unless there was more too it. Shortly after I notice that is when I noticed I was no longer her friend on Facebook. This furthered my suspicion that the person she slept with was not a one time thing.

To enhance it even more, I remembered that I noticed that the two of them were eating lunch together (before she told me about the cheating but after I saw the picture of the two of them at the birthday dinner). And now I see that he changed his profile picture from just his own selfie to a cartoon Popeye with Olive Oyl standing next to him with a swooning look. To me that seems like a couples picture without actually having both of them in the picture (probably at her request). And today my boss told me that he thinks I'm probably correct in my assumption because he saw the two of them sitting at the same table that we always sat at in the mornings and they were giggling together.

So I ask again, if it was me being smothering that drove her away, why would she get an additional relationship at the same time she had one with me, break up with me claiming that she had too much stress in her life, and be bold enough to have a relationship with someone who works at the same place as the both of us?

Last edited by Khohf; 05-07-2015 at 06:57 PM..
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Old 05-07-2015, 06:27 PM
 
Location: Wake County, NC
351 posts, read 691,948 times
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To me it seems things just went too heavy too fast. You sound like a great guy and that is easy for women to fall for. That's all fine, but you need to take the steering wheel a bit. Apply the brakes a bit if you don't mind the analogies.

Please don't give up hope. Maybe you need to find the right woman for you. You may be the "right" man for them, but what is it about these women that you like? Relationship #2 would have hurt the most from what I am reading. You really did seem to think about your feelings before jumping in. You were more careful. She did introduce you to family and you were invested in her. Same with Relationship #4, but from what you said, you let yourself fall for her very quickly. Maybe you were more careful or your state of mind was you really needed to love again.

There is nothing you've done wrong in any of these scenarios. I'd hate for you to give up just because of these sour relationships. Relationships can be very hard, especially for the ones you wish to make a commitment with. You will find what you are looking for, but like I said, maybe you need to take control of where the relationships go and how fast. Your heart has been broken a bit, so slow it down next time. Date for a while before you even sleep with her. Don't get too involved until you feel she's got more of what you are looking for. You are getting to the age where women are really starting to settle down. Now's a good time to look for serious women. Not that you weren't before, but you'll find more of them looking to settle down in their 30s. Maybe you'll find that one soon. I hope you do. You certainly deserve a chance at a good, committed relationship now!
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