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And no, he's never physically harmed/touched me, but the emotional and mental baggage he shares is borderline abusive.
Mine has never physically harmed or touched me, either, nor directly threatened to do so. He did however threaten my belongings, and other people, and himself. And he did carry guns around...as far as he will admit to "make himself feel strong" but I think at least subconsciously if not intentionally to scare me. He knows I am not comfortable with guns.
He did that in a few isolated incidents over a span of just over a year, during a time in his life where he's been having several personal crises such as unemployment and encroaching middle age, etc.
Again, can't stress this enough, it is too easy to give up on therapy as being worthless when you have one or more fruitless experiences with it. But if you find the one that connects with him, whether the goal is to continue on or to part ways, it will be of tremendous help. I think that for some guys with some issues, while you may not be able to really rewire their heads, you can set some boundaries in place, some specific rules for them to fall back on in specific situations.
It's too late for my marriage, the door is closed, the bridge burned, the tipping point utterly past...but at least I think he will be better to the next woman in his life. I hope so. Maybe if you guys get the right kind of help before much longer, you can make it at least until kiddo is grown up. After then...well, I always said once the kid(s) is/are grown, then you can be together if you want to but it's no longer a situation where you HAVE to.
I have a kind, responsible, stable, and pleasant person for a spouse, but my marriage makes me sad.
I hate to admit it, but I believe my dh is on the aspergers spectrum. It's even hard for me to type this up because I feel so torn about the issue.
When we met, he certainly showed signs of being a bit on the "quirky" side, but I just dismissed his behavior as shyness. However, since we've gotten married and had a kid, his "condition" has become more and more apparent (I have examples for days/weeks/months, but I won't bore you to tears). I'll share a few: he has NO friends and has no desire to intimately connect with other people- including close family/i'm a people person; he does not read social or verbal cues, so he often embarasses himself and/or me when he says something during an inopportune time or when he does not say anything at all- when he's expected to. People (including my family members) think he's rude at times, because he tends to live in his own world/head; while he is a genuinely kind- hearted person, he has a really hard time with empathy and picking up on other people's feelings, including mine and our child's (when our child was under 12 weeks old, he kept asking why she "cried and whined" so much- the baby barely cried/and when I asked him why he was not making attempts to bond with the baby, he said with a straight face, "because I don't know her.") No joke. He also often forgets /fails to acknowlege special occasions/milestones or say thank you when people give him gifts. Not because he's a jerk, but because he simply does not have the best social skills. This makes me enormously sad because he IS a nice guy, but his aloof personality has pushed me away emotionally and physically. He's now in the friend zone in my head. Speaking of emotions, i'm very intuitive with emotions, so as you can imagine, being married to an almost emotionless, stoic, not very passionate loner is pretty exhausting and unfulfilling.
From day 1, friends and family even hinted at the fact that we are an odd match/unlikely pair: i'm a very fast- thinking, fun-loving, Witty, adventurous type A who enjoys learning new things, reading new things and meeting new people. He's a risk averse, socially awkward, non- intellectual loner who's comfortable in solitude and monotony. I'm frustrated and bored to tears. When we were dating, I was attracted to his "laid back" approach to life, but that was before I realized that it was a symptom of a larger, more serious problem! I often fantasize about what it would be like to have a partner who gets me and others without having us work so hard/spell things out. It's gotten to the point where I no longer share important details of my life with him because he has a hard time "getting" most of them and I end up re- repeating myself, which takes away from the moment. Sigh. I'm just exhausted by the whole thing and I don't know what else to do. We tried counseling but the therapist focused more on superficial conversational skills rather than addressing the more serious elephant in the room, so I got tired and left. He continued, but whatever they did was clearly ineffective.
The point is that I don't want this to be a dealbreaker because I am still (half-heartedly) committed to my marriage and our family unit (divorce seems scary to me because we have a child). Plus, I don't think he even realizes how bad/frustrating it is, because he's not self aware at all. So unfortunately, I often feel like an older friend or mother figure to him rather than a wife- which makes me very resentful and guilty at the same time:-( How does one work through such a challenging issue? Is it even possible? If so, what else can be done? Is Aspergers treatable or curable?
Perhaps for whatever reasons he does not enjoy being married with a child and he has chosen indifference as a way to mask it.
Some people (mothers as well) get a rude awakening after marrying and having a child. They come to realize that it's not all they thought it would be and they become indifferent in order to deal with it. Could this be a possibility?
When you described him as this:
Quote:
He's a risk averse, socially awkward, non- intellectual loner who's comfortable in solitude and monotony.
It struck me as odd that he would chose to marry and have a child.
Thanks guys. And you're right- It's unfortunate that I did not realize how much these social and emotional issues would affect our marriage BEFORE I said "I do." As they say, "you live and you learn." And boy is this a tough lesson!
It's not just that you didn't notice or size up the situation. It was incumbent upon him to disclose his condition. Has he ever been diagnosed? How did he land a job and keep it?
I think you should consider the potential emotional damage that could be done to the child, being raised by a father who doesn't bond with him/her, and who seems fine with the fact that his own child is a stranger to him. The child deserves and needs, for healthy self-esteem, a warm, loving father. Just think about that awhile. If not for your own sake, consider making a change for the child's sake.
I have a disorder that is similar to your husband
I have been with kids are just like your husband.
They are very nice people but sometimes they trouble with emotions and communing with other people.
I have trouble with that too but I still have caring heart.
I think you should consider the potential emotional damage that could be done to the child, being raised by a father who doesn't bond with him/her, and who seems fine with the fact that his own child is a stranger to him. The child deserves and needs, for healthy self-esteem, a warm, loving father. Just think about that awhile. If not for your own sake, consider making a change for the child's sake.
My ex-husband has Asperger's and social anxiety, among other behavioral health issues. Before I lived with him, I thought I would be ok. Nope. I couldn't do it, it was too much. I decided life was too short to spend it trying to live with and understand someone who was so different, difficult, and strange. So I walked away. But then, we don't have a kid, so I didn't have that dilemma.
It was SUCH A RELIEF to break up with him.
Trust me: he (didn't) feel the same, or anything else about it one way or another. Not really, anyway.
Y'know, if I didn't feel bad for OP, it would be grimly amusing: I'm a *lot* like the DH in-question, albeit 3x as self aware and an order of magnitude more-social when it suits my purposes. I'm barely on the somewhat-arbitrary "spectrum," just enough to puzzle out and piece together what y'all get so worked up about. Those further along, though? Forget it, they're on Planet Loner.
Difference being, I know it and thus eschew dealing with women in "relationships" lasting longer than a few months. That's about one, how long I can stay interested before becoming bored to tears; and two (conversely) about when they, in-turn, figure out what I'm all about. Some stay around, most bail, because it sure ain't gonna ever get any better!
So here's a little insight: DH doesn't care. I question if he's a "genuinely nice guy" inside, though that's subjective I suppose. The loner tribe are probably better off with what I call "allies," not friends, btw. Friends are irrelevant. Family is mostly irrelevant, see "allies" comment. God knows, best to say no to long-term romantic partners.
This has been my observation, doing a bit of self-examination. Know thyself, which thankfully I do by now in my mid-40s.
Too bad he's not an intellectual, there are various career tracks that encourage independent thinkers and self-drivers. mostly those unencumbered by sentimentality. With a little wit, grace, and intellect, people like that are bemused enough to want and try different things just to see what happens: different people, foods, places, etc. No sense living in fear, fear usually being based on ignorance. Tsk tsk. Without that, they're just dullards. End of story.
Yes, sometimes the extraverts find loners mysterious, stable, and grounded. At first. I've seen that enough. Then, as-mentioned, they eventually wise-up and realize the thrills and excitement really aren't there, and never will be. At least, not the kind they want and need.
Your emotional needs are valid. I get that, some loners do, and the most self-aware cut people loose after a certain point to save trouble later. DH doesn't get it, or can't, and/or won't do anything about it. To him it's either irrelevant or does not exist.
Damn shame. I can see where this is going. He doesn't have a "serious problem," btw. It isn't "curable" nor would it exist from an evolutionary standpoint if it wasn't a valuable survival trait in a certain percentage of the (mostly male) population: the ability to focus with precision for hours and days on detail-tasks, mostly.
I suspect, but can't prove offhand, that the majority of technicians have a touch or more of Aspie's. The only "serious problem" here is a serious lack of sympatico and foresight from any of those involved to "get married". God knows I want nothing to do with it, see paragraph one. He shouldn't have, either. Frankly, neither should OP. Run.
Serious, indeed. Yes, now it's a nightmare given children are involved.
I can't even imagine what it must be like for you, OP.
I don't really have any advice for you, but you've definitely inspired me to be very very cautious about who I decide to have children with.
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