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Old 05-18-2015, 05:06 PM
 
1 posts, read 10,929 times
Reputation: 10

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Hi. I've just registered as I really need some advice about my current relationship.

I've been seeing my girlfriend since the beginning of the new year so over 5 months now. Everything is great - she's so easy to get on with and it's someone that I've known for years although not to hang out with - I used to occasionally give her lifts to work and vice versa. During the second half of last year I met up with her a number of times for something to eat and in November we went for a walk and she told me for the first time that she had finalised a divorce in July after being married for 8 years. She had moved out and is living on her own.

During the first month or so of our relationship she told me that she had gone on dates after getting the divorce and just needed to 'fill her boots' so to speak as she and her ex-husband hardly had sex (maybe 4 times a year she told me!). Anyway, she told me that one guy she had dated turned into a very casual relationship. She told him just after a week that she wasn't ready for a full relationship but they could still have sex! Hence this guy just became a Mod cut: profanitybuddy. I assumed when she told me that it had ended hence her now beginning a relationship with me.

During Easter (early April) we went away for 4 days and she received a text from this guy which she told me about. The text read 'Have you got any plans this weekend?'. It was then that she told me that they had had a very casual relationship. I asked her what she would say to him. She said she would say that she is now seeing someone and it wouldn't be appropriate for us to meet up. Nothing else was said although she say she felt a bit bad and she is the type of person that doesn't like to upset people and as such she does keep in regular contact with her ex. But I digress. I never asked after that about this ex-mod cut: profanitybuddy and I just assumed she had text him what she said she would.

Anyway, the other week (5 weeks after we had gone away for Easter) he text her on a Saturday about 5pm. She showed me the text on the lock screen of her phone and it read 'Hi, are you still seeing someone? x'. She could see that I was a bit peed off at this and said he was the type of guy that if he had responded she wasn't, he would have wanted to meet up that night. She then made the comment that she is 'clearly a woman in demand!' as she picked up on the way I was acting after seeing that text.

For the rest of that weekend we got on fine, had great sex as usual but the fact that this guy was still texting her really bothered although I didn't say anything to her. She did tell me on Sunday that she hadn't replied to his text. I walked her home on Sunday evening (she lives literally 5 minutes walk from my house), kissed her goodnight and went home. I see her every weekend (Friday evening to Sunday evening) and once in the week - usually Wednesday when I stay over then come home on Thursday morning.

I don't know what it was, maybe my insecurity from 2 previous relationships where I was cheated on both times (although they were a very long time ago) but I just started to get a gut feeling that I needed to know how she had replied to his text and whether or not she was still hooking up with this guy. So I went to see her last Wednesday evening, got on great, stayed over but I just couldn't sleep at all. I knew that I had decided to check her phone the next morning to see if she had text him back and if so what she had said. She always takes a shower in the morning before work and leaves her phone on charge. I know the passcode as I've seen her type it in (by the way, she did change the passcode on her phone just after she got that text from him at Easter!).

So, I looked! She had replied (I think on the Monday) and it read 'Hey surprisingly yes I am but you'll be the first to know if I'm not Hope your good x'. There was no reply from him as of that Thursday morning. I then, stupidly, scrolled back to the text he sent her at Easter (about was she doing anything that weekend) and her response was 'I am actually seeing someone but it's early days so I'll let you know if it goes **** up!'. I then looked at the texts he had sent to her from then until now and all I can say is they were explicit to say the least. Things he wanted to do to her. Saying 'Come on you can be naughty just once ' meaning I know you're seeing someone but so what! He text her saying he was driving past her house and if he knocked on her door would she answer? She replied 'It would have to be no as I know what would happen if I did!'. He replied 'I just have a couple of wanks in the car then!'.

Now it always seems that he instigates the texts and don't get me wrong, she has clearly said 'no!' to him even stating in one of her texts that she wouldn't be able to have it on her conscience. She has told me that when she's with someone she's with them. Even as bad as her marriage got she said she never cheated on her ex-husband.

I really need advice! I know I'm going to get the 'you should never have check her phone- it shows complete distrust!' but this guy is really bothering me. He's obviously only after one thing and doesn't care that she's seeing someone. But what do I do? I clearly cannot admit to her that I looked at her phone and I saw her yesterday and everything is at is normally is. As far as she's concerned nothing changed and has no idea that I looked on her phone.

What do I do? Her response to this guy is not 'I'm seeing someone - I can't have you contacting me anymore!' but almost like she's keeping him there in the wings in case we don't work out!

Last edited by Mikala43; 05-18-2015 at 09:28 PM.. Reason: profanity
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Old 05-18-2015, 05:13 PM
 
Location: Brentwood, Tennessee
49,924 posts, read 55,542,217 times
Reputation: 98359
Quote:
Originally Posted by John-C View Post
Hi. I've just registered as I really need some advice about my current relationship.

I've been seeing my girlfriend since the beginning of the new year so over 5 months now. Everything is great - she's so easy to get on with and it's someone that I've known for years although not to hang out with - I used to occasionally give her lifts to work and vice versa. During the second half of last year I met up with her a number of times for something to eat and in November we went for a walk and she told me for the first time that she had finalised a divorce in July after being married for 8 years. She had moved out and is living on her own.

During the first month or so of our relationship she told me that she had gone on dates after getting the divorce and just needed to 'fill her boots' so to speak as she and her ex-husband hardly had sex (maybe 4 times a year she told me!). Anyway, she told me that one guy she had dated turned into a very casual relationship. She told him just after a week that she wasn't ready for a full relationship but they could still have sex! Hence this guy just became a f**k buddy. I assumed when she told me that it had ended hence her now beginning a relationship with me.

During Easter (early April) we went away for 4 days and she received a text from this guy which she told me about. The text read 'Have you got any plans this weekend?'. It was then that she told me that they had had a very casual relationship. I asked her what she would say to him. She said she would say that she is now seeing someone and it wouldn't be appropriate for us to meet up. Nothing else was said although she say she felt a bit bad and she is the type of person that doesn't like to upset people and as such she does keep in regular contact with her ex. But I digress. I never asked after that about this ex-f**k buddy and I just assumed she had text him what she said she would.

Anyway, the other week (5 weeks after we had gone away for Easter) he text her on a Saturday about 5pm. She showed me the text on the lock screen of her phone and it read 'Hi, are you still seeing someone? x'. She could see that I was a bit peed off at this and said he was the type of guy that if he had responded she wasn't, he would have wanted to meet up that night. She then made the comment that she is 'clearly a woman in demand!' as she picked up on the way I was acting after seeing that text.

For the rest of that weekend we got on fine, had great sex as usual but the fact that this guy was still texting her really bothered although I didn't say anything to her. She did tell me on Sunday that she hadn't replied to his text. I walked her home on Sunday evening (she lives literally 5 minutes walk from my house), kissed her goodnight and went home. I see her every weekend (Friday evening to Sunday evening) and once in the week - usually Wednesday when I stay over then come home on Thursday morning.

I don't know what it was, maybe my insecurity from 2 previous relationships where I was cheated on both times (although they were a very long time ago) but I just started to get a gut feeling that I needed to know how she had replied to his text and whether or not she was still hooking up with this guy. So I went to see her last Wednesday evening, got on great, stayed over but I just couldn't sleep at all. I knew that I had decided to check her phone the next morning to see if she had text him back and if so what she had said. She always takes a shower in the morning before work and leaves her phone on charge. I know the passcode as I've seen her type it in (by the way, she did change the passcode on her phone just after she got that text from him at Easter!).

So, I looked! She had replied (I think on the Monday) and it read 'Hey surprisingly yes I am but you'll be the first to know if I'm not Hope your good x'. There was no reply from him as of that Thursday morning. I then, stupidly, scrolled back to the text he sent her at Easter (about was she doing anything that weekend) and her response was 'I am actually seeing someone but it's early days so I'll let you know if it goes **** up!'. I then looked at the texts he had sent to her from then until now and all I can say is they were explicit to say the least. Things he wanted to do to her. Saying 'Come on you can be naughty just once ' meaning I know you're seeing someone but so what! He text her saying he was driving past her house and if he knocked on her door would she answer? She replied 'It would have to be no as I know what would happen if I did!'. He replied 'I just have a couple of wanks in the car then!'.

Now it always seems that he instigates the texts and don't get me wrong, she has clearly said 'no!' to him even stating in one of her texts that she wouldn't be able to have it on her conscience. She has told me that when she's with someone she's with them. Even as bad as her marriage got she said she never cheated on her ex-husband.

I really need advice! I know I'm going to get the 'you should never have check her phone- it shows complete distrust!' but this guy is really bothering me. He's obviously only after one thing and doesn't care that she's seeing someone. But what do I do? I clearly cannot admit to her that I looked at her phone and I saw her yesterday and everything is at is normally is. As far as she's concerned nothing changed and has no idea that I looked on her phone.

What do I do? Her response to this guy is not 'I'm seeing someone - I can't have you contacting me anymore!' but almost like she's keeping him there in the wings in case we don't work out!
She IS keeping him in the wings!! She said so!

I see two problems. This:

"she say she felt a bit bad and she is the type of person that doesn't like to upset people"

and this:

I never asked after that about this ex-f**k buddy and I just assumed she had text him what she said she would.

If you're going to be committed, you need to be honest. No more snooping. Be a grown-up and TELL HER how you feel.

Her "not wanting to upset people" could mean she is not good at keeping boundaries and is used to overlapping relationships. You two need to have a serious talk. Being cheated on twice could be a sign that you are super unlucky or you're not good at picking but it could also be a sign that you are a doormat who won't tell his partner his true feelings.
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Old 05-18-2015, 05:17 PM
 
8,926 posts, read 5,116,355 times
Reputation: 12541
Is that really the kind of woman you really want? Think about it carefully. What happens if you have to go out of town? Really think you could trust her? There's lots of good trustworthy women out there. Why waste time on this one?
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Old 05-18-2015, 05:23 PM
 
706 posts, read 993,141 times
Reputation: 879
dude, the relationship is over. Trust your gut. The fact that she responded to the ex-sex buddy is quite alarming. Also, from now on, you will have that 2nd feeling about what she is doing, texting to, etc. This will drive you crazy. Summer is here so become a single dude and have fun.

She also has this sex buddy on the backburner. If she is bored, has a fight with you etx, she might be tempted to call him...
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Old 05-18-2015, 05:24 PM
 
Location: Scottsdale, AZ
16,955 posts, read 16,128,220 times
Reputation: 30209
I find it very disrespectful having ex fbuddies sexting while being in a relationship. You should speak up and set up some boundaries.

Yeah, you should have never snooped.
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Old 05-18-2015, 05:49 PM
 
8,776 posts, read 8,878,758 times
Reputation: 9532
You know how you should respond to this.
You just have to actually do it
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Old 05-18-2015, 05:57 PM
 
4,813 posts, read 3,990,342 times
Reputation: 4749
Yep, you have have a boundary issue on your hand. She's probably always unsure about her relationships as well. I can't lie, I've played the same role that the guy has too in the past. Sometimes women get bored in their relationship, so they test the waters to see what's available. Obviously, the same thing happens with OLD as well.

This bothers you, as it would bother me too. Most guys who have had FWBs will do checking in from time to time to see what's going on with a fling. For me, it's always been harmless. If they were happy, they would tell me so. If they were unhappy, they would tell me so. Most of the happy ones would have no problems mentioning how happy they are. They would say thank you for checking up on them and that they hope all is well with me. I would leave it alone at that point, because I'm there to respect their relationship boundaries. If they were unhappy, I'd just tell them if they wanted to contact me when the relationship ended, they could and we could see how things ended up.

You snooping is a bad thing, but she's being pretty honest with you too. She's showing you the text that he's sending her. That's something in my book. When you start to snoop you will continue to do so, till you find what you're looking for. Snooping can be very dangerous. I actually think it's healthy to have some things that the other partner doesn't know about them.

She needs to respect her boundaries of her relationship and tell the guy to stop talking to her if you are who she truly wants to keep in her life. Otherwise, this guy will always be hovering around waiting for you too to get in fight, because that's what she's set the situation up to do.

In this day and age, there's not many men who are completely single. There's usually someone who's playing the role of a boyfriend, but not getting to be the boyfriend or is playing the role of an FWB.
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Old 05-18-2015, 06:00 PM
 
Location: RI, MA, VT, WI, IL, CA, IN (that one sucked), KY
41,486 posts, read 33,761,416 times
Reputation: 39842
Quote:
Originally Posted by weezerfan84 View Post
In this day and age, there's not many men who are completely single. There's usually someone who's playing the role of a boyfriend, but not getting to be the boyfriend or is playing the role of an FWB.

QTF, though I would say "not many people who are completely single". I know precious few that don't have something afoot, if they're being honest.
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Old 05-18-2015, 06:03 PM
 
4,813 posts, read 3,990,342 times
Reputation: 4749
Quote:
Originally Posted by timberline742 View Post
QTF, though I would say "not many people who are completely single". I know precious few that don't have something afoot, if they're being honest.
I meant to say men and women, but I screwed up. Just said men.
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Old 05-18-2015, 06:08 PM
 
Location: Corona the I.E.
10,139 posts, read 16,633,802 times
Reputation: 9115
Quote:
Originally Posted by Wmsn4Life View Post
She IS keeping him in the wings!! She said so!

I see two problems. This:

"she say she felt a bit bad and she is the type of person that doesn't like to upset people"

and this:

I never asked after that about this ex-f**k buddy and I just assumed she had text him what she said she would.

If you're going to be committed, you need to be honest. No more snooping. Be a grown-up and TELL HER how you feel.

Her "not wanting to upset people" could mean she is not good at keeping boundaries and is used to overlapping relationships. You two need to have a serious talk. Being cheated on twice could be a sign that you are super unlucky or you're not good at picking but it could also be a sign that you are a doormat who won't tell his partner his true feelings.
I agree good advice
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