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tl:dr I was in a bad relationship which I ended, but my brothers take my ex's side and say I'm a b*tch for leaving.
I want to start by saying I generally love my family, the majority of the time we're very close and I have two brothers I care about deeply. Though we have arguments like any siblings do, lately things have been really good between us all.
Recently, I was in a relationship with a guy who I slowly found out was heavily addicted to pot. He smoked every chance he got, around 5 - 7 joints a day, often staying home to get baked over spending time with me. Anything that got in the way of his habit irritated him immensely, including me. Our sex life suffered because he was selfish in bed and lazy and afterwards I slowly developed an allergy to weed smoke which made my eyes water, my lips swell and my skin itch. He did absolutely nothing to curb his smoking and clearly didn't care that I was in pain.
Obviously, I became deeply unhappy with our relationship and I decided to end it. I wasn't in love with him and I felt he deserved to be with someone who he was more compatible with.
Since then, my brothers, who got on really really well with my ex, have completely turned on me. They both feel I was unreasonable to break up with him and should have put up with his pot smoking and my allergy and stayed. They constantly make digs at me about it, and over the weekend openly discussed it in front of both their SOs and told me I was horrible for ending the relationship.
Their whole attitude has me seriously upset and confused. I haven't regretted my decision at all since I ended it, yet now I'm questioning whether I did indeed make a big mistake because their comments are really getting to me. I'm not sure what else I can say to make it clear why I did what I did, I'm tired of being seen as a ***** for leaving and I'm really starting to resent my siblings because of this.
I've kind of been where you are. I was platonic friends with a man, whom my brothers would jokingly address a brother-in-law, which pleased the guy to no end because he wanted to be involved with me that way. He liked me that way, and I was not attracted to him like that.
I didn't want that and sent him away. My brothers were ugly to me because of my decision (we're basically talking "shunning") and I decided to stand my ground, even though I felt betrayed by them.
I look at it this way. This is my life and this is American culture. My brothers do not have the right to shove their preferences for dating material for me down my throat, and I will not allow that. It's real, real sh*tty when family treats you like this. It makes you feel they are looking out for themselves, not for you. Good on you for leaving that loser. Those siblings of your are clueless, or very easily manipulated, or both. Keep on doing what's best for you. If you insist on making your own decisions in life, then you can decide what consequences you want to live with. Allow someone else to make a choice like that for you...and after they have decided YOU will have to live with the consequences and fallout they chose for you. You deserve better.
Last edited by laorbust61; 05-20-2015 at 01:26 PM..
My sister was like this when I left my ex. She was seriously deeply hurt by it.
Now that 20 yrs have gone by, I can see a little more clearly. I think she was worried that our break-up would necessarily end her friendship with him. It didn't. He still housesits for her when she goes out of town.
It may be that your brothers are concerned about how this will affect their friendship with him.
Anyway, it doesn't matter. You don't have to convince them. You just have to tell them the subject is closed. If they insult you, leave and tell them you won't hang around for that and you'll come back when they can be decent.
No, your brothers are being jerks and you had every reason to leave.
If you think some sense can be talked into them, try this. Maybe write your thoughts in a letter. Tell them something like:
"You're my brothers, and I love you. Right now, I really really need you to be in my corner. I know that you think it wasn't fair of me to break up with X, but you need to understand it went beyond the reasons you think we broke up. It wasn't working out on many levels. I need you to trust me on this. It was not easy to end this relationship, and it hurts even worse to not have your support right now. I'd really love to feel like you have my back, even if, at first glance, it looks like it wasn't the right decision. Friends will come and go, but we'll always be family. So will you please trust me in my decision and stop making comments about how I made a big mistake? It hurts. Please be in my corner on this one. Your sister, Rachel".
This is true - they have absolutely no idea how badly he treated me! Even when I tell them, they don't seem to care. My ex is God in their eyes.
Then escape the cult while there's still time. Your brothers sound...kind of like your ex? Maybe that's why they like him so much. Maybe your ex is their "source" Maybe they get loaded together. I'm shocked at how some brothers, fathers and other male relatives look at the females in the family as only so much chattel.
I told my sister when she added my abusive ex to her fb..an ex that SHE and her husband drove and moved me 2000 miles andrescued me from ...Why add him when all I wanna do is forget that pain!? Yet my sibling turned my whole family (aunts ,etc)that I was close to and she never was.....and now they won't talk to me. I totally get your hurt. I feel betrayed ......because I'm the sweet one while she'd firsty,yet she's always making me look weak and bad. Yet I love her so much. Blood sux!!
You did the right thing. I've had to do the same thing, stand up to my 2 older brothers after they gave me grief for dumping my ex fiance. He was golden in one of my brother's eyes and he blamed me. It wasn't until I had to stand up to them and let them know they were not in the relationship and thus had no clue what I had to go through that they backed off.
Tell your brothers while you appreciate their concern, they need to respect your decision and you did what was right for yourself, not them.
tl:dr I was in a bad relationship which I ended, but my brothers take my ex's side and say I'm a b*tch for leaving.
I want to start by saying I generally love my family, the majority of the time we're very close and I have two brothers I care about deeply. Though we have arguments like any siblings do, lately things have been really good between us all.
Recently, I was in a relationship with a guy who I slowly found out was heavily addicted to pot. He smoked every chance he got, around 5 - 7 joints a day, often staying home to get baked over spending time with me. Anything that got in the way of his habit irritated him immensely, including me. Our sex life suffered because he was selfish in bed and lazy and afterwards I slowly developed an allergy to weed smoke which made my eyes water, my lips swell and my skin itch. He did absolutely nothing to curb his smoking and clearly didn't care that I was in pain.
Obviously, I became deeply unhappy with our relationship and I decided to end it. I wasn't in love with him and I felt he deserved to be with someone who he was more compatible with.
Since then, my brothers, who got on really really well with my ex, have completely turned on me. They both feel I was unreasonable to break up with him and should have put up with his pot smoking and my allergy and stayed. They constantly make digs at me about it, and over the weekend openly discussed it in front of both their SOs and told me I was horrible for ending the relationship.
Their whole attitude has me seriously upset and confused. I haven't regretted my decision at all since I ended it, yet now I'm questioning whether I did indeed make a big mistake because their comments are really getting to me. I'm not sure what else I can say to make it clear why I did what I did, I'm tired of being seen as a ***** for leaving and I'm really starting to resent my siblings because of this.
So you are SURE that you didn't fake this part to make him change?
That's the most ridiculous question I've ever heard. Can you make your lips swell up and your eyes water on demand?
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I'm shocked at how some brothers, fathers and other male relatives look at the females in the family as only so much chattel.
That dont always work......
