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Old 01-19-2008, 10:45 AM
 
Location: illinois
22 posts, read 24,762 times
Reputation: 12
Default Need help for abused sis

Hello, I have a sister that is in a very abusive relationship. Both verbally (mostly) and physical at times ( which she fianlly admitted to me). What can I do to help her? I think she is ready to get out of it but here are a few of her fears. She has two girls at home one is 13 and the other daughter is 18 with a 1 year old son. Her hubby is not a drug addict or anything like that I believe he is very bipolar and will not seek help. He has thrown things and broke them and flairs into a rage over the smallest things. My sis has to cook his meals, go fetch drinks for him while he is not doing anything and even cut his meat up for him and serve his meals to him wherever he happens to be at the time. Mainly on his computer. I have tried to get her to leave him on several occassions but she is afraid. Now I think she is finally ready but she does fear for her life. he has threatened her. He says he will tear up everything in the house, break windows, set it on fire, etc. She is afraid of not having anywhere to live. She won't go to Dove, She has done this once before in a previous relationship and doesn;t want to do it again. the previuos relationship, he broke out the windows even though a restraining order was in effect and broke in , beat her up and stole everything. Her present hubby pays no bills, gives her no money from his paycheck, she and her daughterr have to pay for everything yet he says everything is hers and she has to leave the house that is in both of their names. I do not have the room for her to stay with me but I want to help her. I will not give her any financial help while she lets this continue. She is afraid that if she leaves she will loose the house that she has invested over 30,000 of her own money into for the down payment plus all of the payments she has made. next fear is if she gets a restraining order he will get to her before the police can. And we all know how true this can be. Where should I go to get her help and what can I do? I have been married for 33 years and never had to deal with this so I need a lot of advice so that she can finally live a happy life. This is her 3rd abusive realtionship and I need to get her out of this before something major happens and he snaps. Please help me.
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Old 01-19-2008, 11:08 AM
MB2
 
Location: Sebastian/ FL
3,496 posts, read 6,532,979 times
Reputation: 2619
Been there and done this now twice in my life, and KNOW where her fears are coming from.
First, she is not going to leave, if she doesn't realize, that it will be the best thing going for her. Nothing and nobody are going to "lure" her into it, unless, she has a clear mind set on "for the better of her life, life quality and the better life of her kid/ kids".

The thing is, when one is in an abusive relationship, it automatically "becomes your life and routine", and one doesn't "know" any better (since she's been there three times now), and never seen, experienced on how a happy, fulfilled, and equal relationship is SUPPOSED to be like.
I would take her to a shelter for battered woman, have her actually SEE, what kind of mental and physical scars another person can cause, and have her TALK to other battered girls. (At least they are STILL ALIVE to tell their story!)
Have her talk to a counselor at that shelter, and give her an idea, of HOW to get OUT!
She NEEDS to talk to someone, which was in the same boat and circumstance, for her to actually BELIEVE it is as bad as it is!

My sad experience....so called "restraining orders" mean absolute "jack", unless you end up dead. (Yeah, our "great" laws and procedures.....huh. )
Brutally frank, but so true!
It is a mere piece of paper, and it's up to the individual to obey by it....or NOT!
Violation of a restraining order....What?
Some weeks/ months in prison...release....and then what? Face the fury........
To bad all the dead individuals can't speak up, and tell how the "restraining order" "helped" them, and got them killed. (Research reports, statistics.....there's been PLENTY of murders done WITH a restraining order in place!)
She WON'T listen to you...because she feels, that YOU don't understand HER!
She is in the own little world right now, her abusive "partner" created for her.
You NEED to hook her up, get her in touch with people which know WHAT she is talking about, WHERE she is coming from, and have BEEN there themselves.
"THEY" can paint her the honest picture, and lift the Vail and take the blindfolds of her face.

It does take a brutally honest look at the picture, and "in your face" to "snap her out of it".

And, another thing....no, HE won't change.
Why?
Because HE doesn't HAVE to, because in his mind, everything's okay, and SHE is the one "having a problem".
He can do the "change" alone and by himself...He doesn't need her to be with him, near him, in the house to do that.....(if he really wants to...yeah, right! )

Tell me about it....I've been there..........and it wasn't pretty!
Good luck to you and your sister!
GET HER OUT ASAP, and take the necessary steps to do that!!!

Just sign me as "HAPPY AND LUCKY TO BE ALIVE".

Last edited by MB2; 01-19-2008 at 11:20 AM..
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Old 01-19-2008, 11:38 AM
 
Location: illinois
22 posts, read 24,762 times
Reputation: 12
I know what you mean. I think she is fiinally ready for me to help her get out. But I need to know where I can take her for her to hear from others that have defeated this and yes death is a fear I have for her if we don't get it done right. Every year in the fall we go thru thins but I think she is ready to do something and that I can take her to places for help while he is at work on second shift. We have to do this behind his back or her fate will not be good. I am also considering having her write a letter of all of the things that she is going thru and have experienced in the past and have it notarized just in case. Does this sound like a good idea? This way her words will still speak for her in any event. God I hope it is never needed and that we don't screw up to cause anything this bad. I just want her to make all of the right steps and in the proper order to avoid anything like this. I can't stand the thought of loosing her. and I hate seeing all that she is going thru. He is in total mind control of her and this doesn't help but I think I can get her to go with me somewhere for guidance. Where should we go first? Then I need to get her out of the house for her safety once it is started. Where should I seek help for that?
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Old 01-19-2008, 11:55 AM
 
5,108 posts, read 7,294,982 times
Reputation: 3443
The greatest gift you can give yourself and your sister is to get yourself into an Al-Anon meeting. Look in the white pages. Full of people who have gone through and are going through exactly what you describe. It is a high act of love both for your own health and well-being, and hers. Best wishes.
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Old 01-19-2008, 12:22 PM
MB2
 
Location: Sebastian/ FL
3,496 posts, read 6,532,979 times
Reputation: 2619
Quote:
The greatest gift you can give yourself and your sister is to get yourself into an Al-Anon meeting
Sure....if it is all related to alcohol abuse, maybe yes.
But this case doesn't sound like that, because he might be "bi-polar", and that is not caused by alcohol abuse, but rather caused by a chemical imbalance within the brain.
Besides, those meetings don't provide a "game plan" on how to vacate and get away from an abusive spouse/ partner.
We are dealing with mental and physical abuse here.......

Quote:
Originally Posted by dakotama View Post
I know what you mean. .................................................. ........................Where should we go first? Then I need to get her out of the house for her safety once it is started. Where should I seek help for that?

Sometimes, the white and "blue" pages don't help much and are sometimes confusing.
Also, woman shelters want to remain a bit anonymous, due to the residents there, and their safety.
Check with your local police....that's your best bet.
They are dealing with domestic violence all the time, and work closely with all sorts of programs.
Get her to a meeting with someone there FIRST, and THEN come up with a "game plan".
Remember, this is not the time to "experiment", and to just go by what someone "thinks" and unrelated and inexperienced says. .........That's where a counselor comes into place, dealing with those sorts of things on an EVERYDAY level.
They also know legal venues, if need be.
You need to have a rock solid, save game plan in place, before anything else can happen.
Remember, SAFETY first!!!
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Old 01-19-2008, 12:28 PM
 
5,108 posts, read 7,294,982 times
Reputation: 3443
It is important that you seek resources for yourself, too, not just her. Just like when someone is in treatment or recovery or rehab, family members are asked to get into a program themselves. It is related.
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Old 01-19-2008, 12:29 PM
 
Location: illinois
22 posts, read 24,762 times
Reputation: 12
Quote:
Originally Posted by MB2 View Post
Sometimes, the white and "blue" pages don't help much and are sometimes confusing.
Also, woman shelters want to remain a bit anonymous, due to the residents there, and their safety.
Check with your local police....that's your best bet.
They are dealing with domestic violence all the time, and work closely with all sorts of programs.
Get her to a meeting with someone there FIRST, and THEN come up with a "game plan".
Remember, this is not the time to "experiment", and to just go by what someone "thinks" and unrelated and inexperienced says. .........That's where a counselor comes into place, dealing with those sorts of things on an EVERYDAY level.
They also know legal venues, if need be.
You need to have a rock solid, save game plan in place, before anything else can happen.
Remember, SAFETY first!!!

So if I contact the local police dept. they can help me sort thru all f this with her? I am getting very concerned for her and the families safety once the process begins.
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Old 01-19-2008, 12:30 PM
 
Location: illinois
22 posts, read 24,762 times
Reputation: 12
Quote:
Originally Posted by DimSumRaja View Post
The greatest gift you can give yourself and your sister is to get yourself into an Al-Anon meeting. Look in the white pages. Full of people who have gone through and are going through exactly what you describe. It is a high act of love both for your own health and well-being, and hers. Best wishes.
How would they be of help? This is domestic violence not alchol related?
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Old 01-19-2008, 12:31 PM
MB2
 
Location: Sebastian/ FL
3,496 posts, read 6,532,979 times
Reputation: 2619
Quote:
Originally Posted by dakotama View Post
So if I contact the local police dept. they can help me sort thru all f this with her? I am getting very concerned for her and the families safety once the process begins.
Yes, they can give you the LEADS you need (the police can provide you with necessary info on where and whom to turn to)

All the police can actually do, is file/ register a restraining order, and maybe arrest him (if enough proof and cause is there....but sometimes it's her word against his, and visa versa)
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Old 01-19-2008, 12:36 PM
MB2
 
Location: Sebastian/ FL
3,496 posts, read 6,532,979 times
Reputation: 2619
Quote:
Originally Posted by DimSumRaja View Post
It is important that you seek resources for yourself, too, not just her. Just like when someone is in treatment or recovery or rehab, family members are asked to get into a program themselves. It is related.
First, the OP states, that it is NOT alcohol related.

Second, every treatment group has their "orientation" and specializes in certain things. Their expertise is for people and their families to deal with alcoholism head on, and get them off of it, hopefully with their family and lives intact.
In this particular instance, it wouldn't be of much good, and they would more then likely refer her to an "Domestic Violence" program, since it is NOT alcohol related.
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