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Old 05-28-2015, 12:02 AM
 
2,385 posts, read 1,424,112 times
Reputation: 2609

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Quote:
Originally Posted by Jonathanp219 View Post
My girlfriend of 4 years left me about 3 months ago, and I live in the worst city to find love (NYC). I just feel so inadequate and low at the moment. I wanted to marry her one day and start a family, now I have to be alone while she's off enjoying her life. I hate being 25, everyone wants to hook up and have sex and all I want is to have a meaningful relationship with someone who shares the same values as me.

Btw I am talking to a therapist and I see him every week so please spare me the "go see a therapist" talk.

Every time I look out the window and see this city I just feel disgusted at the fact that this is where I come from. I share nothing in common with these people, they're just here screw everything that walks.

I feel so pathetic for messing it up with my previous girlfriend. I shouldn't of been so controlling and paranoid, now I'm saying the ultimate price. I can't stop beating myself up, I can't stop hating myself, I messed up the greatest thing that ever walked into my life. Now I have to settle for the scrap that 20 other guys left out here, it feels so awful.

I can't leave, I don't want to leave my mother alone since she has nobody here. I'm not leaving and I won't leave. However, I feel so miserable, I miss my ex so much. I feel like I'm never going to find anyone better than her, I'm going to be alone forever.

I had to write this somewhere, I'm having a rough day.
Not meant to insult, but based on the totality of your posts on this thread, and the attitude it conveys, I can see why she left you.

You are SUPPOSED to get bounced about a little bit. That is how life is. I'm grateful for getting stepped on in my earlier life, as it has made me much tougher/stronger now, and a more sympathetic/empathetic individual, and that trait serves a man well. YOU would have likely been a crappy husband/mate to any woman, BUT you can use this OPPORTUNITY to strengthen yourself, and you need it. Lots of mamby pamby type talk here from well-intentioned folks, which you for the most part dismiss. Stick with the therapist, and straighten your spine, and get out there assertively, and win over some new ladies. If individual ladies don't suit your fancy, you don't have to take it any further than dinner/coffee, or whatever the venue calls for. This is an adventure, you will have plenty of time later to be that 45 year old couch potato you say you are striving for.

I'm of the opinion that many a 'bad girl' has a 'good wife' locked inside of her. You need to be the man that brings that out in a woman. You couldn't do that before apparently, but you will get another chance, if you keep your rectitude, and gain the courage to get right back on the horse that just threw you into the dirt.

Good luck to you!
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Old 05-28-2015, 12:44 PM
 
Location: New York
757 posts, read 1,100,998 times
Reputation: 330
I have a question.

Recently I was watching a TED Talk conference on YouTube about a woman who said her break-up was the greatest thing that had ever happened to her. She told a story of her break-up and how led her to work on some amazing projects and traveling to different places around the world. There are some things people just can't do during a relationships that they decide to try after a break-up. This is what makes the coping and recovery process move much quicker, you start to feel whole again. I know this is similar to what everyone else has been saying to me, however here's the punchline...

What if you did have ALL those opportunities during your relationship? What if you grew as a person during your relationship? What if all that freedom always existed, and you just never took advantage of it? What if your partner never held you back from being the best you could be? What if you were the one inadvertently doing to your partner because of whatever issues you may have? Then I ask, what do you do then? What do you do with yourself knowing all of that? How can you possibly live your life knowing you were the one holding them back?

I don't have anything that I want to try. Because if I wanted to do it, then I would of done it when I was in my relationship. Everything I have in mind right now is exactly what I would of had in mind if I was still with her. I think that's the most difficult truth to grasp at this time.

Point I'm trying to make is, break ups are good when you have an idea of the things that you always wanted to try. Not only do I NOT have anything in mind, but I have to live with the fact I was burden and a waste of life in her eyes.

It's always, "Oh ok, you learned from your mistakes, now don't do it with the next girl". No, relationships are alive and each of them are unique in their own way. I have to live with the fact that I killed it, that I was the reason it died. I killed something that I might never be able to replicate again, a love that might never be equally as strong, with someone who might not be equally as devoted.

I screwed up so many times in my life, but I think this might of been the straw that broke the camels back. There's no easy way to move on from this, I literally feel like I killed someone/something that meant a lot to me.
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Old 05-28-2015, 01:19 PM
 
838 posts, read 1,350,150 times
Reputation: 1688
Quote:
Originally Posted by Jonathanp219 View Post
I have a question.

Recently I was watching a TED Talk conference on YouTube about a woman who said her break-up was the greatest thing that had ever happened to her. She told a story of her break-up and how led her to work on some amazing projects and traveling to different places around the world. There are some things people just can't do during a relationships that they decide to try after a break-up. This is what makes the coping and recovery process move much quicker, you start to feel whole again. I know this is similar to what everyone else has been saying to me, however here's the punchline...

What if you did have ALL those opportunities during your relationship? What if you grew as a person during your relationship? What if all that freedom always existed, and you just never took advantage of it? What if your partner never held you back from being the best you could be? What if you were the one inadvertently doing to your partner because of whatever issues you may have? Then I ask, what do you do then? What do you do with yourself knowing all of that? How can you possibly live your life knowing you were the one holding them back?

I don't have anything that I want to try. Because if I wanted to do it, then I would of done it when I was in my relationship. Everything I have in mind right now is exactly what I would of had in mind if I was still with her. I think that's the most difficult truth to grasp at this time.

Point I'm trying to make is, break ups are good when you have an idea of the things that you always wanted to try. Not only do I NOT have anything in mind, but I have to live with the fact I was burden and a waste of life in her eyes.

It's always, "Oh ok, you learned from your mistakes, now don't do it with the next girl". No, relationships are alive and each of them are unique in their own way. I have to live with the fact that I killed it, that I was the reason it died. I killed something that I might never be able to replicate again, a love that might never be equally as strong, with someone who might not be equally as devoted.

I screwed up so many times in my life, but I think this might of been the straw that broke the camels back. There's no easy way to move on from this, I literally feel like I killed someone/something that meant a lot to me.

How old are you again? Mid 20s? Was this your first love? Certainly sounds like it and if so, I'm sorry I know it's hard. I've been there and done that.

Our point is this is the hand you were dealt. You either deal with it or let it destroy you. She isn't the only one in this world that can bring you happiness. There is someone out there that can make you even happier. Stop relying on someone else for your happiness. Be your own man.

If she truly thought you were a burden it would be because you relied on her too much. At least that's what it sounds like to me. You sound very needy.
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Old 05-28-2015, 02:13 PM
 
Location: New York
757 posts, read 1,100,998 times
Reputation: 330
Quote:
Originally Posted by rebellious1 View Post
How old are you again? Mid 20s? Was this your first love? Certainly sounds like it and if so, I'm sorry I know it's hard. I've been there and done that.

Our point is this is the hand you were dealt. You either deal with it or let it destroy you. She isn't the only one in this world that can bring you happiness. There is someone out there that can make you even happier. Stop relying on someone else for your happiness. Be your own man.

If she truly thought you were a burden it would be because you relied on her too much. At least that's what it sounds like to me. You sound very needy.
She was definitely the first girl I fell in love with.

No, it's because I was too controlling, I wasn't needy in the relationship. I didn't need her by my side or on-call 24 hours a day. We only saw each other 2 times a week, and I was completely ok with it. The neediness didn't come out until she left, and now I'm starting to realize how much I really needed her, and it hurts like hell.
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Old 05-29-2015, 11:04 AM
 
Location: Bronx
16,200 posts, read 22,986,231 times
Reputation: 8345
Quote:
Originally Posted by Jonathanp219 View Post
She was definitely the first girl I fell in love with.

No, it's because I was too controlling, I wasn't needy in the relationship. I didn't need her by my side or on-call 24 hours a day. We only saw each other 2 times a week, and I was completely ok with it. The neediness didn't come out until she left, and now I'm starting to realize how much I really needed her, and it hurts like hell.
I'm sorry that hurt you!
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Old 05-29-2015, 11:20 AM
 
3,452 posts, read 4,607,030 times
Reputation: 4985
Guarantee you that this dude did not grow up with an active father in his life.

The girl you are still infatuated with is gone.

Get a hobby, take a class, go out and meet other women....do whatever you have to do to keep things moving along.

Looking for sympathy is not going to get you anywhere as a man. The world pisses on weak men.

I know where you can get some help for your situation.
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Old 05-29-2015, 12:50 PM
 
Location: North Carolina
10,203 posts, read 17,801,643 times
Reputation: 13913
Quote:
Originally Posted by Jonathanp219 View Post
I have a question.

Recently I was watching a TED Talk conference on YouTube about a woman who said her break-up was the greatest thing that had ever happened to her. She told a story of her break-up and how led her to work on some amazing projects and traveling to different places around the world. There are some things people just can't do during a relationships that they decide to try after a break-up. This is what makes the coping and recovery process move much quicker, you start to feel whole again. I know this is similar to what everyone else has been saying to me, however here's the punchline...

What if you did have ALL those opportunities during your relationship? What if you grew as a person during your relationship?
I'd be surprised if no one ever did grow as a person while in a relationship. It doesn't mean you can't or shouldn't grow as an individual on your own, while not in a relationship too.

Quote:
What if all that freedom always existed, and you just never took advantage of it? What if your partner never held you back from being the best you could be? What if you were the one inadvertently doing to your partner because of whatever issues you may have? Then I ask, what do you do then? What do you do with yourself knowing all of that? How can you possibly live your life knowing you were the one holding them back?
You learn from it, you change, you make yourself a better person, and you move on.

Quote:
I don't have anything that I want to try. Because if I wanted to do it, then I would of done it when I was in my relationship. Everything I have in mind right now is exactly what I would of had in mind if I was still with her. I think that's the most difficult truth to grasp at this time.
Change doesn't come from this kind of defeatist attitude. Of course you have nothing in mind you want to try - because you're not open to trying to new things. You'd rather beat yourself up and sulk about it, coming up with every excuse to not do anything that might help you move on. Trying something new doesn't have to be about trying something you've always wanted to try. Some of my favorite experiences in life have come from trying something I had ZERO previous interest in. So this is no excuse. Stop making excuses and start living your life.

Quote:
Point I'm trying to make is, break ups are good when you have an idea of the things that you always wanted to try. Not only do I NOT have anything in mind, but I have to live with the fact I was burden and a waste of life in her eyes.
And that's a shame but it's not the end of the world. People make mistakes. We hurt people. We're human. All you can do is apologize, learn from it and change yourself, and move on.

Quote:
It's always, "Oh ok, you learned from your mistakes, now don't do it with the next girl". No, relationships are alive and each of them are unique in their own way.
Yes, relationships are different but if you don't make a conscious effort to change, you will be the same person and you WILL repeat your mistakes.

Quote:
I have to live with the fact that I killed it, that I was the reason it died. I killed something that I might never be able to replicate again, a love that might never be equally as strong, with someone who might not be equally as devoted.
Well, your ex can't have been that devoted if she left you in the end. And have you ever considered that you only viewed her as so devoted because you self admittedly held her back from so much? If she was the "giver" and you were the "taker", perhaps you were mis-perceiving that as "devotion". Perhaps you need to readjust your unhealthy concept of what love and devotion is. The sooner you realize your previous relationship as the unhealthy one that it was, the sooner you can learn how to have a healthy and therefore stronger relationship.

Quote:
I screwed up so many times in my life, but I think this might of been the straw that broke the camels back. There's no easy way to move on from this, I literally feel like I killed someone/something that meant a lot to me.
Getting over a relationship is never easy, no one is saying that it is. But after an initial "grieving" period, the only way to move on is to stop wallowing and force yourself to think more positively. Even if you don't feel like it, forcing yourself to do it will help over time. You can't move on until you allow yourself to move on, which you're not allowing yourself to do right now. If you keep telling yourself "I can't do it", you're right, you'll never do it. You have to stop thinking "I can't" and start thinking "This sucks but I have to start moving on." But you clearly don't want to move on and therefore no one can help you until you do.

As Alice Sebold once wrote, "You save yourself, or you remain unsaved." We can give you advice to help you, but if you're unwilling to take the advice and would rather come up with defeatist excuses, you'll remain in the pit of despair you dug for yourself. We can throw you a ladder but you have to climb up yourself. We're trying to lead you to water but you're refusing to drink. It's your choice.
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