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No excuse for acting on anger in a physical or verbal manner.
The so called boundaries argument is not only self centered but alsi irrevelant.
If you cannot respect someone's boundaries, then there is no relationship. For whatever reason, most of you cannot grasp the concept of boundaries. I don't care how insecure, how badly they react to it, you crossed THEIR line that they have made CLEAR.
It's like getting pulled over by a cop for speeding, he lets you off with a warning, you pull away and floor it to 100MPH. Don't you think the cop will be a little upset? Don't you think he'll give you a ticket this time around?
Do things that someone doesn't like and you will be punished for it, ESPECIALLY if they have made it clear prior. You cannot be a victim when you made yourself a victim.
If you cannot respect someone's boundaries, then there is no relationship. For whatever reason, most of you cannot grasp the concept of boundaries. I don't care how insecure, how badly they react to it, you crossed THEIR line that they have made CLEAR.
It's like getting pulled over by a cop for speeding, he lets you off with a warning, you pull away and floor it to 100MPH. Don't you think the cop will be a little upset? Don't you think he'll give you a ticket this time around?
Do things that someone doesn't like and you will be punished for it, ESPECIALLY if they have made it clear prior. You cannot be a victim when you made yourself a victim.
Completely missed the point that of my post. This is typical abuser narcesstic respinses. Been there done that... I regret each moment of weekness.
It is not about wrong or right. The abuser is always wrong no matter what the underlying argument is about.
If one cannot have an argument or a discussion without resorting to physical or verbal abuse, they do not have the capacity to share their life with anyone. This is especially true if your view on a relationship is in terms of punishment and reward.... that's not a relationship
You cop speeding scenario... the cop can give a ticket.... if he resorts to physical or verbal abuse, he is in the wrong. It does not matter that the driver was speeding.
If you cannot respect someone's boundaries, then there is no relationship. For whatever reason, most of you cannot grasp the concept of boundaries. I don't care how insecure, how badly they react to it, you crossed THEIR line that they have made CLEAR.
It's like getting pulled over by a cop for speeding, he lets you off with a warning, you pull away and floor it to 100MPH. Don't you think the cop will be a little upset? Don't you think he'll give you a ticket this time around?
Do things that someone doesn't like and you will be punished for it, ESPECIALLY if they have made it clear prior. You cannot be a victim when you made yourself a victim.
Frayzer, I don't know whether you actually read my last reply to you or not (the one in which I did some explaining of the situation), but I highly suggest that you (re)read it (again).
I know very well the concept of boundaries but I highly disagree with your take on this specific situation. Why? I have already explained in that post that it was supposed to be a goodbye party for us, classmates and teachers. Whoch is why I supposedly thought that he wouldn't even want to come with me. Here in my country, the smallest highschools (like mine) don't have full-on proms, like school dances. No, it's just something revolving classmates and teachers, from a specific class. Now, he and I both go to the same highschool (we just graduated) and as far as I knew, his own classmates were having their own prom thingie
As I have said already, it wasn't that I purposefully even left him out or anything, I simply assumed that he wouldn't come and when he told me that he would like to come (which was 2 months in advance of the event), I immediately accepted. So I don't see how I have crossed his boundary here.
It's interesting how you talk about his boundary of coming along whenever I go out, but I really feel like there are, inevitably, occasions on which a gf/bf would go out without his/her date, I mean that's how healthy relationships go, right? We're teens, have been dating for 6 months, so I'm assumming I am able to keep at least a tiny bit of my social life. I have already given up almost completely on going out with my girlfriends since that upset him really bad. I haven't went out with them in like 3 or 4 months, whereas I would see him pretty often. Then again, I don't see it as crossing his boundary.
So we went together to this prom thing. And at a specific moment that night, I had to take group pictures with my classmates and teachers. Yes, it was supposed to be some kind of important moment. I know it sounds really childish and what not, but I really wanted to go. It lasted merely 10-15 minutes and I wasn't even away from him, just literally in a 10 metres radius, since we took the pictures inside the restaurant the party was at, really close to the actual seats me and him occupied. What boundary did I crosa here? His boundary of refusing to let me take some pictures 10 metres away from him? I have spemt most of my night with him, in fact. So I believe I truly respected his boundaries as well as him as my boyfriend.
So when he went home because I took some pics for 10-15 mins, at a distance of 10 metres from him, under the reason of "ignoring him", I really felt like it was exaggerated and that I shouldn't be the one to call. He's been doing lots of these things, with some kind of punishment, withdrawall, silence treatment etc, so as to "teach me a lesson" whenever he thought I dis something that, in his view, was wrong. I knew exactly that he did it only to make me call him and beg for him to come back and I found it to be an incredibly mean thing to do to your girlfriend.
And yes, I understand the concept of boundaries, but I can't agree that what he did was a rightful response to me crossing his boundaries, which I deserved. I'm pretty content I did not deserve to find out that he just went home in a momebt of unreasonable anger, then came back and started pulling and pushing me and insulted me.
It doesn't matter how stupid or insecure someone's boundary is, if you cannot respect it then there is no relationship.
Right. And HE is the one with no boundaries. He made her big night, that she was anticipating for several years, about him. He couldn't handle a few minutes away from her, in which her attention was focused on people other than him. He expects that when he's in the room, everyone else should cease to exist for her. That's not having boundaries. That's seeing someone as an extension of yourself--the very opposite of boundaries.
Indeed, I don't think you know what boundaries are. Boundaries are the recognition that you are two separate people, not two halves of a whole, and therefore, it's possible for for someone else to have things that are important them that don't have anything to do with you. It's the ability to step aside and let someone else enjoy what is important to them without having to be the reason for their happiness.
He lacks that ability. He is textbook narcissist, to the point where he blames her and tells her she needs to change to suit him. That you can't see that is, quite frankly, disturbing.
She put herself in the position to BE a victim. She KNEW that he gets angry when she goes out without him and she does it anyways. Her boundary is irrelevant in the situation because she's already crossing his. You cannot be a victim for being involved with a crime that YOU committed.
It doesn't matter how stupid or insecure someone's boundary is, if you cannot respect it then there is no relationship.
And it does not matter how many times you make the statement to try and justify his actions regarding HIS boundry, he is still an immature, possessive, controlling, jerk.
Are you defending his actions and blaming the victim for a reason?
I am curious why you are defending his actions so strongly.
If you cannot respect someone's boundaries, then there is no relationship. For whatever reason, most of you cannot grasp the concept of boundaries. I don't care how insecure, how badly they react to it, you crossed THEIR line that they have made CLEAR.
It's like getting pulled over by a cop for speeding, he lets you off with a warning, you pull away and floor it to 100MPH. Don't you think the cop will be a little upset? Don't you think he'll give you a ticket this time around?
Do things that someone doesn't like and you will be punished for it, ESPECIALLY if they have made it clear prior. You cannot be a victim when you made yourself a victim.
@BlazingStars - thank you so much for the advice! We have already broken up two weeks ago and I have also posted on the last page an insight into what our relationship looked like: http://www.city-data.com/forum/39989888-post37.html
He tried to contact me a few times after that, the most recent one being yesterday. Basically, he started off very angry that I didn't contact him at all to see how he's doing (he actually told me that he was fuming at that moment) and then calmed down and tried to tell me that he has changed (in 2 weeks?! No, i did not believe it either, though I had believed it before twice and now I know it's all just a lure for me), that he resolved all of his issues (again, in 2 weeks!?) and that he's giving me the choice of getting back ro him at any time in the future. I already told him that I am 100% sure I can't possibly expose myself to that level of toxicity again and that he has already done enough, so I don't wish to experience anything similar (again, for like the fourth time).
He started telling me how he was the one who suffered the most and how "what I have been through in this relationship is nowhere near the level of hurt he felt" and I have to say, he seemed really convincing in his attpt at making me feel guilty for leaving and manipulating me into believing I was still the bad guy here, while also sugarcoating it, though I kept my ground. I'm positive in my decision right now, and I will try to move on and heal after all that has happened and eventually, over the next period of time, I will probably find someone less toxic.
Summer may feel long after a break up sometimes, so keep your feelings in check. If sadness appears, make sure that while you admit this guy had some qualities and you spent some good moments together too, his controlling personality and abusive behaviour far outweighed that. Remind yourself of his lousy violent treatment towards you and don't give him any chance ever or you'll be trapped again and the more you stay with him, more strength you'll need to become free again and more complicated your situation will become. You are lucky you don't have him in your life anymore and be glad that you have given yourself the chance to experience your real life, and not one dictated by his fears, insecurities and lack of control. Enjoy it wisely and relax, keep yourself busy, have fun this summer as you deserve it and do the best for yourself in the future.
Last edited by BlazingStars; 06-14-2015 at 04:32 PM..
Thank you! It is absolutely true, giving in again this time would make it a lot harder for me. Though, I have decided that this was not how I wanted to spend the rest of my life, which is why I will go NC and keep my distance. I'll just keep myself busy because whenever it wanders off I can only think of the (few) good and happy moments we had and can't help but miss them. But I understand that the bad far outweughted the good and, if a relationship doesn't, at least, have these balanced, then it's not worth it. I'd rather not be loved than be loved in an obsessive, possessive kind of way.
I'm lucky that my friends and family are very supportive and really help me out so the healing and change of perspective will probably go well.
It's great that you have such an objective view on the relationship and the support of your family and friends.
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