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Honestly, the relevancy of how she found out is not as important as her making the discovery. Certainly I didn't tell her, because that would be pouring gasoline on a fire.
Why I stayed after the first threat, I'm still analyzing that decision. Maybe its due in part of being afraid my wife will not allow me to be apart of our son's life. I came to the conclusion 1.5 years ago that she already has the predisposition that it would not be necessary for me to be involve in our son's life more than it really is necessary, other than for financial and parental convenience. In previous heated arguments, I got a sense that she does not view our son as having two parents, but that she is the mother and the only parent he needs (almost treating him like personal property).
And before anyone ask, there were no incidence if domestic violence. Maybe mental manipulation on both our part, but I guess that is expected when our marriage was at a crossroad.
Something you said here resonated with me - my wife was (is) similar in some ways to what you described in terms of not taking my parental input into consideration and exhibiting an attitude. Your son may very well reflect her attitude towards you as he grows - if she doesn't respect you then then he may not either - this is not good for you or your son. Children need to have good parental role models for both male and female - it underlies their opinions of themselves and shapes their opinions of the opposite sex. If your splitting up, you will have to work twice as hard to establish a relationship with him as he grows without badmouthing his mother. This is your responsibility as a parent and you owe it to him to try your best.
As someone else said - divorce may be inevitable but it is certainly not the easiest path.
Your son may very well reflect her attitude towards you as he grows - if she doesn't respect you then then he may not either - this is not good for you or your son.
Unfortunately, he's already exhibiting behaviors that I find deeply troubling even before we separated. alienation from my son is something easy for her to do under the guise of being able call the police. Mental manipulation!!! So yes, you can consider us another statistic of a fail social institution of marriage.
I no longer blame the man or the woman who steps out when they are being neglected. Yes, that's not a good thing to do. However, neither is neglecting the spouse that you promised to put above everyone else in the world. If your wife refuses to acknowledge her part in the demise of your marriage, that's just because she doesn't want to accept blame for what she contributed.
I no longer blame the man or the woman who steps out when they are being neglected. Yes, that's not a good thing to do. However, neither is neglecting the spouse that you promised to put above everyone else in the world. If your wife refuses to acknowledge her part in the demise of your marriage, that's just because she doesn't want to accept blame for what she contributed.
Totally in agreement. In one of our brutally honest conversations, I actually told my wife that when we married I didn't sign up for a life of celibacy later in life. I have no idea what happened but the conversation continued as if she didn't hear me...
I'm still walking through troubled times as my 34th anniversary approaches.
Details of problematic relationships vary, as you situation is different then mine. But what I realize in my struggles probably the largest contributor to the issues are communication problems. Acts deemed good or bad, fights, cold shoulders - from my eyes a lot of it stems from lack of communication.
Why I stayed after the first threat, I'm still analyzing that decision. Maybe its due in part of being afraid my wife will not allow me to be apart of our son's life. I came to the conclusion 1.5 years ago that she already has the predisposition that it would not be necessary for me to be involve in our son's life more than it really is necessary, other than for financial and parental convenience. In previous heated arguments, I got a sense that she does not view our son as having two parents, but that she is the mother and the only parent he needs (almost treating him like personal property).
OP, as I tried to indicate before, this is a not uncommon syndrome. For some reason, a huge psychological change comes over some women after the first baby is born, and they shut the husband out. I assume it's hormonally-driven, in part. You might see if you can find a counselor to talk to about it, to get a perspective over it, and to unburden yourself, and get some help processing your emotions and frustrations. How old is your son now? Hopefully, he's benefitted from having you in his life. If there's a divorce, get a good lawyer so you can get 50% custody, and can continue to have an active role in his life.
This seems to be a common problem among men. Suddenly one day a baby appears and they are surprised to be pre-empted from their wives full attention and they resent it. Women on the other hand have already spent the better part of a year before a baby is born having their entire body give them notice in not too subtle and often unpleasant ways that their life is changing in a major way.
Babies are helpless and depend upon their very survival for the attention and care they receive, and this takes no small amount of time. Mothers come to this realization and sacrifice even care of themselves to accommodate what is necessary. Men need to share this responsibility though I have met no small number of men who are afraid to care for an infant and rather wait for them to get a little older first. Starting a family needs to move a couple into a more mature stage in their marriage where children's needs must be taken into account. This will mean life is going to change and adults may not get the deference they were use to. Things do gradually get better as children get older for couples to refocus on each other more but don't expect it in the first years. The job is all encompassing and exhausting.
This is the time to help out, to give your wife a break, and with understanding of things to show your wife appreciation. Court her all over again. Selfishness will endanger your relationship especially now and possibly wreck your family and your own life.
Unfortunately a lot of time the kids grow up yet the wife remains distant no matter what men do. I've seen this happen. Let's face it, some women just lose interest in their spouses once the kids are born, almost like a shift in their biology. No amount of help will change that. At this time, it's either stay together if you still love each other, even if there's really not much going on; or separate. I've seen this happen far too many times.
I wonder if, when guys are trying to save their marriage, do they try to do anything OTHER than ask their wives for sex? That seems to be what all the guys say - I asked and asked and after getting rejected, then I stopped. Did you try to figure out WHY you were being rejected? Was she exhausted? Mad that she felt she was doing "it all"? Did you step in or step up and do more than try to initiate sex (and maybe take out the trash and mow the yard once a week)? I'm not saying that's your case, OP - it just seems these all come down to sex and no details on any other issue.
1. It is always a man's fault.
2. If it is not, refer to rule #1.
I just can't figure out why you aren't popular with the ladies.
As for the OP -
I've been following this thread and haven't commented thus far. The thing is - you say that you have accepted responsibility for your failed marriage - but it doesn't really sound like it. It basically sounds like you think that all the blame is on her. I'm not in your marriage so I don't know the whole story - but it just sounds like you really just think it's all her fault. And maybe it is. I don't know.
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