Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
As a recovering alcoholic myself (18 months sober), I think you and I can speak the same language here. Simply put, have a conversation with her along these lines:
"I really like you, but I think that right now you and I are best served by friendship. Your recovery is most important to both of us, and a relationship will complicate that effort. Things are different and I'm thrilled that you are sober (or clean) and have been working through the way life is now." Etc. etc.
I'm assuming she has a sponsor. If so, you might encourage her to talk to her/him about dating so early in sobriety. For some, there are no issues. For others, getting involved in that side of life (delightful as it may be) can be a trigger for relapse. In my case, I waited for about 4 months before going out on a date. I needed to make sure I was strong enough to be in a world of alcohol and drinking.
--Dim
I think this is pretty solid advice. Thanks. If nothing else has come of this thread I think it seems to be the general consensus that she's probably a different person now. This makes sense to me. Confused, unsure, insecure, etc. All makes sense.
In other words, I probably can't count on her to come up with any real decision or declarations about anything. It is what it is. We are supposed to be together right now. I say supposed to because I'm not sure if she can even remember the conversation where we said that.
All that said, just spacing it out as much as possible is probably the way I'll go. Let her find herself. My experience with recovery was much different, but it was also a different scenario and I was younger. My recovery didn't consist of all of the support that's being toted here. It was more or less get your act together or else. But, I get everyone has a different road to travel.
I've found myself in a scenario where she is holding the power,
.
This sentence is quite alarming as it shows an extreme desire for control.
Quote:
Originally Posted by mjkcal
and I'm not sure of my best move in the situation. I've been dating this girl for about 7 months. After month number 6, I broke up with her and she checked into rehab for alcohol abuse.
.
There's the issue. You broke up with her when she arguably needed you the most. She no longer trusts you.
Quote:
Originally Posted by mjkcal
I didn't hear anything from her for weeks and moved on, dating a new girl casually. She got back about 2 weeks ago now, and I still feel quite a lot for her, more than I realized.
However, now she treats me entirely different. She's very passive. When we kiss, there isn't much passion behind it. I always need to ask her to do something, and she often has an excuse. I've had a few conversations with her about it, basically indicating that if she doesn't want to be together, to just tell me so we can both move on. Every time she says that's not it. She continually mentions that the one time she called me early on in rehab that I was "cold" towards her and she's still mad about it. Well, I was cold because just a week earlier she told me she'd been lying to me about her drinking from day 1. I was pissed, how should I not be?
.
There's the passive aggression. You were "cold" to her because you were annoyed. She is in the absolute crisis of her life, you dump her, then give her hell on the phone while she's in rehab.
Are you TRYING to be a $*(&?
Quote:
Originally Posted by mjkcal
So fast forward to last night. We are chatting, I ask to hang out a couple days later. She says she can't. I have to press her as to why,
.
She doesn't owe you a thing, including an explanation! You dumped her when she needed you most, heaped crap on her at her lowest ebb!
Quote:
Originally Posted by mjkcal
she's going out with one of her old flings that is in town that when he used to come, they'd meet up and screw essentially. So--she can't find the time to see me, but she has no problem meeting up with some guy who only wants to bang her. Oh, and they are only having "coffee"
So, what's my play here?
.
Its not a game, it's a real live damaged hurting human being, its not about "play" or tactics. Either give her unconditional support or move away.
Quote:
Originally Posted by mjkcal
The way I figure it, there are only 3 choices.
1. Let her go out with the guy and just act like it doesn't bother me, keep pursuing and trying to chat her up.
2. Tell her exactly how I feel about this whole situation including that guy, and put her to a decision to essentially make a choice to try with me or not.
3. Just let it go. Don't say a damn thing to her about the guy or anything else regarding whatever this is anymore. Only give her the time of day if she comes back showing real interest.
What are your thoughts? To me, number 1 seems unacceptable. I think it puts me in an ultimate needy spot. It's been a long time since a girl grabbed a hold of me like this mentally, but this one did. I don't know if she's trying to play me or not, but I'm very much in the weeds and not sure which way to go. Thoughts appreciated. Thanks.
Those are my thoughts.
Also, there is not one mention of concern for this girl which I find quite disturbing. All concern appears to be for yourself, and your passionless prose leaves the impression you barely know her, certainly don't trust her, and don't much like her either. Weird.
This sentence is quite alarming as it shows an extreme desire for control.
There's the issue. You broke up with her when she arguably needed you the most. She no longer trusts you.
There's the passive aggression. You were "cold" to her because you were annoyed. She is in the absolute crisis of her life, you dump her, then give her hell on the phone while she's in rehab.
Are you TRYING to be a $*(&?
She doesn't owe you a thing, including an explanation! You dumped her when she needed you most, heaped crap on her at her lowest ebb!
Its not a game, it's a real live damaged hurting human being, its not about "play" or tactics. Either give her unconditional support or move away.
Those are my thoughts.
Also, there is not one mention of concern for this girl which I find quite disturbing. All concern appears to be for yourself, and your passionless prose leaves the impression you barely know her, certainly don't trust her, and don't much like her either. Weird.
I broke up with her because she told me she'd been lying to me our entire relationship. The same night, she was also hitting on another guy right in front me. Those aren't valid reasons to you? If someone has a drinking problem you just push everything aside you care about and need and it's all about them? Oh, and if I hadn't broken up with her, she wouldn't have gone to rehab. I felt like I was practically enabling her by accepting that behavior.
It's a real problem with real effects and I know that as well as anyone first hand. Perhaps my misunderstanding how to deal with this situation is the extreme difference in the way I was treated when I went through this. I wasn't given special status or treatment. Maybe that's where my views come from.
I'm not a very good writer, and don't always choose the best words. You can think what you want, but for you to deal out such comments based only on your interpretation of what someone wrote is a dangerous game. People come looking for help in dire situations, if you don't agree fine, but some people are very depressed, and comments like yours can often push them much further down, and can be dangerous. You can get your point across without being so abrasive and hurtful.
Also, how you could think I don't care for her is insane. Why would I put myself through any of this if I didn't?
I'm glad you got her to rehab but it means she's changed FOREVER. How you behaved toward her on the phone also possibly changed her forever, or at least her feelings toward you.
I suspect half of her attraction for you is that you cant control her, and you hate that you cant.
She's under your skin but if you are honest with yourself you would realize its really just that she's hurt your feelings terribly and you feel dissed.
Hopefully you will learn something from this - namely, you cant MAKE someone care for you, or trust you again, and some times the things we say, how and when we say them, haunt us forever.
I'm glad you got her to rehab but it means she's changed FOREVER. How you behaved toward her on the phone also possibly changed her forever, or at least her feelings toward you.
I suspect half of her attraction for you is that you cant control her, and you hate that you cant.
She's under your skin but if you are honest with yourself you would realize its really just that she's hurt your feelings terribly and you feel dissed.
Hopefully you will learn something from this - namely, you cant MAKE someone care for you, or trust you again, and some times the things we say, how and when we say them, haunt us forever.
You think she's attracted to me because I can't control her and hate that I can't? Does that attract women? I mean I would think that would apply to a lot of guys, I don't see why that would single out for me. I know you probably don't believe it, but I really have never tried to control her. I learned a long time ago that people do what they want to do and you just let them do the things they want to do, and then see if it meshes with what you're good with. At least, that's how I approach it.
Yes she's under my skin. I don't know how you can make the judgement that I don't actually care for her and it's all about being "dissed." Yes she's hurt my feelings terribly. I've been dissed plenty of times (if dissed means rejected) and also done my fair share. It happens. This goes far deeper than that.
I'm not trying to make her care for me. I'm trying to find out if she does or not, so we can both move forward, or not. That's fair, no? The last part of what you say is true. I've known that for a long time already. I try to be a better person each day, but we always make mistakes.
I've left her alone. She will keep messaging me. She reached out to me when she got back to see me, not the other way around. I've offered her space, she says she doesn't want it. She says she loves me still and wants to stay together. Then she doesn't want to see me, and makes time to see an ex. It's not that clear cut. It's not as though I'm pursuing someone who is trying to escape me. It's not as simple as "she's not into you" If she didn't keep reaching out to me, I'd obviously take the hint and drop it.
This is a LOT about control for you. Your language emphasizes that.
Quote:
Originally Posted by mjkcal
I've found myself in a scenario where she is holding the power, and I'm not sure of my best move in the situation.
So read this:
Quote:
Originally Posted by mjkcal
I've been dating this girl for about 7 months. After month number 6, I broke up with her and she checked into rehab for alcohol abuse. I didn't hear anything from her for weeks and moved on, dating a new girl casually. She got back about 2 weeks ago now...
However, now she treats me entirely different.
She's very passive. When we kiss, there isn't much passion behind it.
I always need to ask her to do something, and she often has an excuse.
I ask to hang out a couple days later. She says she can't. I have to press her as to why, she's going out with one of her old flings that is in town that when he used to come, they'd meet up and screw essentially.
I broke up with her because she told me she'd been lying to me our entire relationship.
The same night, she was also hitting on another guy right in front me.
Yes she's hurt my feelings terribly. I've been dissed plenty of times (if dissed means rejected) and also done my fair share.
This is a LOT about control for you. Your language emphasizes that.
So read this:
...and tell me why you're still wondering.
Poor choice of words on my part. But yes, I see what you mean by the first quote. By power, what I'm really getting at is I feel like I'm doing all of the trying. She's not at all. Yet she says she wants it. It's confusing.
The second statements you quoted, I really don't know what you're getting at. Again, I mean that, not trying to be dense or rude. Essentially I'm just trying to figure out if something is there or not. It will hurt of course if not, but then I would respect that and move on. I was just trying to fully play this out before doing so. Don't walk away from someone you love until you try to make it work, essentially. Perhaps what's done is done. I don't have any desire to control a girl. I do like to feel like we are both more or less putting in 50/50 though.
Yours doesn't sound like an easy relationship, OP. She betrayed your trust and you betrayed hers. It happens, but it takes a lot of strength and dedication from two people to make it work again. She doesn't seem to be in a good spot, her recovery is a priority and needs to let herself be. However, if she still wants a relationship with you, your feelings also matter. If you don't feel comfortable with her meeting a guy she was involved with, you should tell her. My opinion is that if she takes it in consideration, you two havening recently made up might have a chance, but if she doesn't, it's not worth pursuing. It sounds too complicated and you are both getting hurt and maybe it would be easier to feel loved and happy with someone else.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
