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My wife and I are separated (she left). Although I think our separation is a good thing to discuss and work out our marital problems, it appears she is not interested. When I asked if she wants a divorce, she tell me "Yes eventually, but is not my priority now. Right now my focus is making a better life for me and my son (although he's OUR son)." She says, "you need to work on being a better person for someone else."
I found this site: The 180 | AFFAIRCARE and it also mentions "being a better person, with her or without".
Now, I made mistakes and I'm not innocent in creating the problems in our marriage, but "become a better person"; that part I don't understand. I always believe I was a good person.
So since when did I become inadequate in the first place?
My wife and I are separated (she left). Although I think our separation is a good thing to discuss and work out our marital problems, it appears she is not interested. When I asked if she wants a divorce, she tell me "Yes eventually, but is not my priority now. Right now my focus is making a better life for me and my son (although he's OUR son)." She says, "you need to work on being a better person for someone else."
I found this site: The 180 | AFFAIRCARE and it also mentions "being a better person, with her or without".
Now, I made mistakes and I'm not innocent in creating the problems in our marriage, but "become a better person"; that part I don't understand. I always believe I was a good person.
So since when did I become inadequate in the first place?
Better is subjective.
Sounds like she wants someone more ambitious, take-charge, initiator, and maybe you both were passive aggressive, and you two didn't communicate honestly to each other. Speak up for yourself next time.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Av8torude
First, I know forums are not substitutes from psychological & emotional therapy. But, having said that, I believe it does provide a conduit of relative understanding from broad perspective opinions of a wider audience vs one person with an advance social degree.
Me and my wife have separated after 13.8 years of marriage, which inevitably will now lead to divorce. Looking back on over those years, the last 5 years has been the worst since our son was born. One thing for certain, I can claim my responsibility in my failed marriage! The one thing I can't seem to wrap my mind around, is how can my wife claim NO responsibility?
Without writing a novel and pointing the finger at who's at fault, I recognized the main problem in our marriage has been the lack of quality time spent together as husband and wife. With work, children, and household chores, there was little time left for each other. I began to realize, all the intimacy efforts to bring us closer together has only been one-sided. Unfortunately, my efforts were futile, which led me to make a monumental bad decision to go out on a date with a co-worker. Although no sexual contact occurred, it still didn't stop the wrath I had faced and the major rift in our marriage . And maybe I rightfully deserved it.
But now I'm also questioning myself, could I've done more? How can a faithful husband for 12 years be expected to endure such never-ending neglect and companionship in our marriage if my wife refuses to acknowledge that a problem exist or refuses counseling? Understand, I love my wife dearly and I didn't want this to happen. But ironically, now that the dust is settling, I starting to wonder just how unhappy I may have been being in a loveless marriage.
IDK!
What she also probably meant is to work on developing integrity.
Placing others ahead of yourself, selfless service, having values, Maybe she's thinking Core Values that we should all have anyways. Be cordial and ask when the time is right.
I'm going to go a different way than a lot of people probably will and say you need to make it a blanket rule to not over-analyze comments your wife makes that she doesn't expound or elaborate on. It might not mean anything. It could mean a whole lot and we just don't know it.
It's important to listen to people and hear and understand where they're coming from, especially if they mean something to you, but at a certain point you can only do what you can do. If you're always trying to assuage other people's feelings, they'll always be unhappy and discontent, and you wont recognize yourself in the mirror. That goes for your spouse, your parents, and friends.
I don't know if you're a "people-pleasure", but I get that vibe from you for some reason.
To me, her statement sounds like she's ready to move on. She wants you to improve so you can make another woman happy. Given your background, and with the info you gave us, it also sounds like she checked out awhile ago and she's using your non-sexual date as an excuse to move on.
She says she wants a divorce, but "not right now"? BS. She's trying to punish you and no good wife would do that. Even if she has legitimate reason to be pissed off and actually want a divorce and doesn't want to work through your problems, she doesn't deserve to put you on ice until she gets around to letting you go. I'd give her a month to make a decision and then I'd go see a divorce lawyer. She needs to take some of her own advice.
I'm going to go a different way than a lot of people probably will and say you need to make it a blanket rule to not over-analyze comments your wife makes that she doesn't expound or elaborate on. It might not mean anything. It could mean a whole lot and we just don't know it.
It's important to listen to people and hear and understand where they're coming from, especially if they mean something to you, but at a certain point you can only do what you can do. If you're always trying to assuage other people's feelings, they'll always be unhappy and discontent, and you wont recognize yourself in the mirror. That goes for your spouse, your parents, and friends.
I don't know if you're a "people-pleasure", but I get that vibe from you for some reason.
To me, her statement sounds like she's ready to move on. She wants you to improve so you can make another woman happy. Given your background, and with the info you gave us, it also sounds like she checked out awhile ago and she's using your non-sexual date as an excuse to move on.
She says she wants a divorce, but "not right now"? BS. She's trying to punish you and no good wife would do that. Even if she has legitimate reason to be pissed off and actually want a divorce and doesn't want to work through your problems, she doesn't deserve to put you on ice until she gets around to letting you go. I'd give her a month to make a decision and then I'd go see a divorce lawyer. She needs to take some of her own advice.
I appreciate your comment. Its very insightful. Thank you.
Perhaps you are a good person - I'll grant you that. Perhaps your wife improved herself and outgrew you - it could be health, fitness, education, career success, ethical awakening, or even just a perceived but delusional improvement.
No matter how good you are, you can be better: fitter, healthier, more educated, more compassionate, a better listener, etc. There are thousands of ways to improve, and some are going to be more beneficial to creating good relationships than others. Maybe you don't need to improve, but at least hear what she thinks you could work on - maybe she has a point.
Becoming a better person is a worthy thing. I've seen and met people in my life over the years that don't have any self awareness nor any inkling of wanting or even thinking about improvement. I've met people that take the phrase "I'll never grow up" and literally just run with it as opposed to the lighthearted way of saying they want to just have fun.
When an ex says something like to you it sounds like to me more like a loaded statement than a truly altruistic hope for your betterment.
OP, you need to find out "a better person" at what? This is sometimes an awfully hard question to get an answer to, from an angry woman, unless she has told you, "I want...." and you have gone into deep denial.
Perhaps you are a good person - I'll grant you that. Perhaps your wife improved herself and outgrew you - it could be health, fitness, education, career success, ethical awakening, or even just a perceived but delusional improvement.
No matter how good you are, you can be better: fitter, healthier, more educated, more compassionate, a better listener, etc. There are thousands of ways to improve, and some are going to be more beneficial to creating good relationships than others. Maybe you don't need to improve, but at least hear what she thinks you could work on - maybe she has a point.
This. Sometimes one person grows and continues to grow whereas the other person plateaus or even starts going backwards. It's when you realize you've grown apart and want someone who is more on your "level."
I'm going to go a different way than a lot of people probably will and say you need to make it a blanket rule to not over-analyze comments your wife makes that she doesn't expound or elaborate on. It might not mean anything. It could mean a whole lot and we just don't know it.
I'll go one further and ask who cares what she thinks at this point? She's going to be your ex-wife. Her opinion on the kind of man you are no longer counts unless it has to do with your kid.
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