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I've been obsessing about this for the past few weeks, since it happened, and I don't know what to do. Any advice appreciated.
I've been with my boyfriend for the past almost three years. We live together, recently bought an apartment together and plan to get married next year. He's almost 31, I'm 27. Usually I do trust him and he has never given me reason to doubt him. Almost three months ago, something happened that I cannot get out of my head. Three months ago, he went to a Bachelor party of a friend, I didn't think much about it since I know his friends and they're all really nice and decent. When he came back from the party, he went to bed and the next morning he told me everything. That's what I thought.
Almost two weeks passed. My boyfriend and I have the exact same phone and the exact same cover for it (he gets special offers from his company) so when I was sitting at the dinner table one day and his phone vibrated, I first thought it was mine, so I took it and looked. I didn't even open the Whatsapp, just by touching the screen I could see that he had several messages from a girl I have never heard of. I could see that she wrote him stuff like 'It was lovely seeing you yesterday' and 'Now I'm back in XX (her city) and I already miss your country'. Except of the seeing him part it wasn't suspicious, but obviously I saw red flags everywhere, since apparently he met a girl the day before and he hadn't told me about it at all. First I kept it to me and waited two days, then I couldn't continue like that. I took his phone, checked his Whatsapp. He isn't very protective with his phone and I know his code (and he knows mine). He had shared several Whatsapp messages with that girl. The conversation started very random, it was clear that he had deleted conversations he had with her before. Red flag on the one hand, on the other hand I know that he also does that with a few friends. But still. She said 'It was lovely seeing you yesterday', he said 'Yes it was really nice'. Then they talked about some random stuff, not very flirty or suspicious, but still. She mentioned his friends and the Bachelor party during the conversation, so then I knew that he met her at that Bachelor party in some bar they went. She was a foreigner, a backpacker, from a different continent and just for a few weeks in our country to travel around. During the conversation my boyfriend also sent her a random picture of an apple tree and said 'Look, this reminded me of you haha'. Then I saw that he also sent her a picture of him and her, arm behind each others back (doesn't neccessarily looked couply, just like two normal people in a picture), in the lobby of a hotel.
Let me explain the hotel thing before you come to quick conclusions- My boyfriend has to travel to another city (one hour from here) for work like twice a month, usually arrives late at night, stays in always the same hotel next to the airport, works til late noon the next day, has lunch, and flies back in the afternoon. I know he didn't schedule to go there to see her, because he sends me the official schedule of his company every month and I even have his intranet login (he didn't give it to me because of trust issues, but because sometimes when he's busy he calls me and tells me if I can look up something for him in the intranet). I kinda freaked out about it, but I still kept it to myself for another day. The next day I checked his phone again and the whole conversation was deleted, and also the picture of him and her.
So, then I went to a friend's house, the friend that introduced me and my boyfriend back in 2012. He's a really good friend of mine, probably a better friend than he is to my boyfriend, even though they have been knowing each other since high school. I just went to his house and told him what I saw, and asked if he knows anything. He said she was just a random girl they met in a bar, she was with a friend and everyone talked to her and her friend for a while, before they went to another bar without them. He said my boyfriend wasn't flirty or anything, just normal talking. He said this girl also gave him (my friend) her number and he has also been in contact with her. He said she was just super friendly and keen to meet people. I asked him about that particular day when she apparently met my boyfriend in his hotel. He said that the same day he also texted with her, and that she also asked him to meet but that he didn't have time. That he remembers that he told him she would land at 2.30pm, after coming from a trip from the other side of the country. I know that my boyfriend had to catch his flight at around 5.30pm. Means that he only had maximum 1.5 hours with her (I calculated that she could have arrived at his hotel at 3pm, and he had to be at the airport at 4.30). I was thinking- Is that enough to hook up? Or am I exaggerating and overly obsessing about it? My friend even offered me to show me the Whatsapp conversation with her, but I declined (maybe I should have said yes, but I do trust my friend). My friend said he still whatsapps with her sometimes. I told him not to tell my boyfriend since I wanna confront him later today. He said he wouldn't.
Well, I directly went home and confronted my boyfriend. He looked pretty surprised that I knew, so I highly doubt that my friend warned him in advance. He didn't get angry, he stayed calm. He directly explained to me who she is, and said exactly the same as my friend. He said that she was just a very friendly backpacker and everyone exchanged numbers with her because she sent pictures of the evening to everyone. I asked why he kept talking to her so much, he said that it's just smalltalk and totally innocent. I asked him about the day in the hotel. He said she told him she would arrive at the airport, after coming back from a trip to the other side of the country (he even told me the same exact places my friend told me before), and asked if he wants to meet for lunch. He said yes, but since he had to leave just a bit later he told her to come to his hotel, which is close to the airport. He said they had lunch in the restaurant there (he even said what exactly they ate) and then she waited for him in the lobby while he went to change (he said they ate in casual clothes and then he went to his room to put on his work suit) and pick up his stuff from the hotel room. And then, when he was about to leave, they took the picture together. Then he went to the airport, and she took a bus to the city center (that city was the last city of her trip, two days later she would take back the flight to her own country).
Everything sounded logical, but I still have my doubts. If it's so innocent, why wouldn't he tell me about her? Why wouldn't he even mention that he had lunch with some girl he mad at a Bachelor party? Why would he delete conversations and the photo he took of them? And in general, why would you keep talking to some random girl you just met, if it's not for hooking up? He said because she was nice and she's a friend, I said she cannot be a friend, he doesn't even know her. I doubt that he met her before that, because she seemed to be traveling in other places all the time. And now she's in a different continent anyway. I also have my problems imagining that he actually really told her to wait in the lobby while he goes up to the room to change. I have those crazy thoughts in my head, what if she went with him?
Okay, the last point I should mention- Probably the reason why I have issues trusting him with this is the way we met. Three years ago, when my friend introduced us, we were super drunk in a bar. He kissed me the same night, and the next night we hooked up. We started dating, and the rest is history. About a month after we started dating, my friend (the one mentioned before) asked me if I know that he broke up with his girlfriend for me. I was pretty shocked, since I didn't even know he had a girlfriend (no live in girlfriend, I'm the first girl he has ever lived with, but still, girlfriend is girlfriend). I then asked my boyfriend about it and he admitted it. He said he had a girlfriend when we met, ha had ben with her for 1.5 years at that time. He said he didn't tell me because he was so completely crazy about me that he was scared I wouldn't want to be with him. He said he broke up with her just a few days after meeting me. I checked with my friend and he confirmed, he said he didn't have both of us at the same time, he broke up with her just a few days after meeting me. But still.. I still think it's a big deal that he actually cheated on her with me. And that she still doesn't know. Since the story with that girl from the Bachelor party, my mind goes crazy. If he has cheated before (on his ex), maybe he will cheat again (on me)? I remember that once, when we just started dating, I also met him for lunch close to the hotel of the city he had to stay for work (I lived in that city before). When he had to get ready for work, he asked me if I want to come to his room, which I did. I saw him getting naked, we had sex, and then he showered, put on his suit and went to work. I'm so worried that he did the same with that random girl.
Well, since that happened, everything has been quite fine between us. He's a good boyfriend, sweet, caring, and he tells me all the time he loves me. But I still cannot get over the whole story, I just can't. It still drives me crazy, not knowing if something actually happened between them. I know he swears nothing happened, but I also know that people lie. I have that girls number, I took it from his phone when I checked his Whatsapp back then. Sometimes, when I go to sleep, I think about texting her, asking her if something happened between her and my boyfriend. Maybe she would tell me the truth, girl to girl. Or she would lie. Or she tells me boyfriend that I asked her. I don't know what to do. It drives me crazy.
What would you do in my situation? Would you contact her? Thanks so much.
This is obviously a problem with you. It is a good thing that the two of you are not married. You posted that your mutual friend told you... "I checked with my friend and he confirmed, he said he didn't have both of us at the same time, he broke up with her just a few days after meeting me."
Right above that you posted... "Three years ago, when my friend introduced us, we were super drunk in a bar. He kissed me the same night, and the next night we hooked up."
That would eliminate any credibility that "friend" had.
Certainly we all have a right to have friends of the opposite sex. It took me awhile to realize that myself as I was pretty possessive of a man I was in a relationship with and felt threatened by female friends of his. It sounds like you are okay with the friends part and you are just fearful that there may have been a sexual encounter between the two of them.
This is something that you will never know with any certainty. To me, your boyfriend should have told you about the two of them meeting at the bachelor party. There is really nothing wrong with "innocent" texting in my opinion. I would, however, have a huge problem with a boyfriend of mine meeting with a woman in a hotel. Were there no coffee shops or restaurants nearby? Since it was an hour away, couldn't he have invited you along to meet this nice backpacker? Even though you would have to drive in two separate cars, it would have saved you a lot of anxiety. I wonder how he would have felt had the situation been reversed and it was you who met a man at a bar, texted him (and deleted some of them), and you ended up meeting with this man at the same hotel he bedded you at.
Here is the thing...if you cannot let all of this go and trust that what your boyfriend told you is true, this situation is likely to cause you problems throughout your relationship with him. If you get married to him with any kind of trust issues it is going to be so much worse. I sure wouldn't marry anyone I didn't completely trust.
"Hi (her name), this is (his name) girlfriend. I just wanted to let you know that he and I have made love 2,728 times in the three years that we have been living together in a committed relationship. And the next time you want to get together with him, give me a call and we can all have lunch together. No more of this you and him alone and I hope woman-to-woman that you respect that. Its a pleasure talking to you and enjoy living in (her continent). Goodbye."
Oh and I dont think they did anything together. Everything seems to check out. Men hide things innocent sometimes because they know they will unnecessarily upset us. Im like you, I want full disclosure. So tell him about hiding things from you and how it makes you feel, even though he wasnt unfaithful, he shouldnt have to hide things. So I wouldnt worry that they slept together. But I dont like that backpacker. Shes a hoe and was coming onto him and he wasnt giving her the time of day.
Tell that hoe to back off and your boyfriend needs to cut her off as well. It was irresponsible of him to be talking to women in a bar in the first place. Women dont meet men in bars to just be friends.
This is obviously a problem with you. It is a good thing that the two of you are not married. You posted that your mutual friend told you... "I checked with my friend and he confirmed, he said he didn't have both of us at the same time, he broke up with her just a few days after meeting me."
Right above that you posted... "Three years ago, when my friend introduced us, we were super drunk in a bar. He kissed me the same night, and the next night we hooked up."
That would eliminate any credibility that "friend" had.
Sorry, I expressed myself wrong. He did cheat on her with me, but he didn't date us at the same time. We kissed that one night and we hooked up the next night, which was definitely cheating. But then I didn't see him for a few days, that's when he broke up with his ex-girlfriend.
Quote:
Certainly we all have a right to have friends of the opposite sex. It took me awhile to realize that myself as I was pretty possessive of a man I was in a relationship with and felt threatened by female friends of his. It sounds like you are okay with the friends part and you are just fearful that there may have been a sexual encounter between the two of them.
This is something that you will never know with any certainty. To me, your boyfriend should have told you about the two of them meeting at the bachelor party. There is really nothing wrong with "innocent" texting in my opinion. I would, however, have a huge problem with a boyfriend of mine meeting with a woman in a hotel. Were there no coffee shops or restaurants nearby? Since it was an hour away, couldn't he have invited you along to meet this nice backpacker? Even though you would have to drive in two separate cars, it would have saved you a lot of anxiety. I wonder how he would have felt had the situation been reversed and it was you who met a man at a bar, texted him (and deleted some of them), and you ended up meeting with this man at the same hotel he bedded you at.
Here is the thing...if you cannot let all of this go and trust that what your boyfriend told you is true, this situation is likely to cause you problems throughout your relationship with him. If you get married to him with any kind of trust issues it is going to be so much worse. I sure wouldn't marry anyone I didn't completely trust.
There were no coffee shops or restaurants close by, I know that, because I've also stayed in that hotel a few times. It's just really close to the airport with just other hotels and industry stuff around. He couldn't invite me, because it's an hour FLIGHT, not drive. I wouldn't buy a flight ticket just to meet him and the backpacker girl and fly back with him to our city an hour later, haha. I'm sure he would have been furious if I did the same.
I also still have a huge problem with the fact that he met her. Why would you even do that? She's not his friend, even though he called her 'friend'. But how on earth are you friends with a girl you just met and who lives in another continent than you? That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard.
"Hi (her name), this is (his name) girlfriend. I just wanted to let you know that he and I have made love 2,728 times in the three years that we have been living together in a committed relationship. And the next time you want to get together with him, give me a call and we can all have lunch together. No more of this you and him alone and I hope woman-to-woman that you respect that. Its a pleasure talking to you and enjoy living in (her continent). Goodbye."
Oh and I dont think they did anything together. Everything seems to check out. Men hide things innocent sometimes because they know they will unnecessarily upset us. Im like you, I want full disclosure. So tell him about hiding things from you and how it makes you feel, even though he wasnt unfaithful, he shouldnt have to hide things. So I wouldnt worry that they slept together. But I dont like that backpacker. Shes a hoe and was coming onto him and he wasnt giving her the time of day.
Tell that hoe to back off and your boyfriend needs to cut her off as well. It was irresponsible of him to be talking to women in a bar in the first place. Women dont meet men in bars to just be friends.
I agree, it might be nothing, however I think this backpacker girl has ulterior motives. Saying things like "it was lovely seeing you yesterday" are not things I'd say to my platonic guy friends who are in committed relationships. I've had a platonic guy friend for 15 years and never have I texted him anything like that and he's single. I don't think it would be unreasonable for you to ask him to not communicate with this girl anymore, it's ok to have friends of the opposite sex but clearly this one isn't just trying to be his friend (at least that's the impression I get).
As for him cheating on his ex with you, while yes it was wrong, he did break up with her right after he met you. It's not like he was dating you and his ex at the same time, he met you, fell for you, and broke up with the ex right away, it happens and I feel for her but that's life. Is it possible he'd leave you for another woman in the future? Of course, but that's possible in any relationship, however I don't think he'll be leaving you for this backpacker.
"Hi (her name), this is (his name) girlfriend. I just wanted to let you know that he and I have made love 2,728 times in the three years that we have been living together in a committed relationship. And the next time you want to get together with him, give me a call and we can all have lunch together. No more of this you and him alone and I hope woman-to-woman that you respect that. Its a pleasure talking to you and enjoy living in (her continent). Goodbye."
I mean she cannot even be alone with him again because she lives in a different continent and works there full-time. I think it's quite unlikely that she comes back to our country anytime soon. And maybe she didn't even know that my boyfriend has a girlfriend. He told me that she knows, but who knows, maybe he never told her.
I agree, it might be nothing, however I think this backpacker girl has ulterior motives. Saying things like "it was lovely seeing you yesterday" are not things I'd say to my platonic guy friends who are in committed relationships. I've had a platonic guy friend for 15 years and never have I texted him anything like that and he's single. I don't think it would be unreasonable for you to ask him to not communicate with this girl anymore, it's ok to have friends of the opposite sex but clearly this one isn't just trying to be his friend (at least that's the impression I get).
As for him cheating on his ex with you, while yes it was wrong, he did break up with her right after he met you. It's not like he was dating you and his ex at the same time, he met you, fell for you, and broke up with the ex right away, it happens and I feel for her but that's life. Is it possible he'd leave you for another woman in the future? Of course, but that's possible in any relationship, however I don't think he'll be leaving you for this backpacker.
Thank you. Yes I already told him to not talk to her anymore and he said he won't, but in the end, who knows. Sometimes I feel like you cannot trust anyone but yourself. I once had a boyfriend who was the sweetest and nicest guy on earth and later I found out he had an emotional affair with a coworker. I don't think he'd be leaving me for her, I mean she lives thousands of kilometers away, and I think if he wanted to break up with me for her, he already would have. As I mentioned, he cheated on his ex with me, but broke up days after that to be with me. It's been over three months since he met that backpacker girl, I guess he would have broken up with me by now, lol, instead of buying an apartment with me. Still, I'm still wondering if really nothing happened or if he saw her as a little adventure.
And by the way, I don't get anyway why people leave people for other people. I've never found myself in a relationship like this. Either I'm very happy with the person I'm with and never feel the need to be with someone else (and don't get myself into situations where I could fall for someone else, which probably would never happen anyway), OR I'm not happy in my relationship so I break up instead of just staying in the mediocre relationship until I meet someone better.
But how on earth are you friends with a girl you just met and who lives in another continent than you? That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard.
The same way you slept with him the day after you met.
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