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my example of bad baggage (and ive seen this in various forms):
meeting a classy sexy smart woman and then finding out she is unemployed, losing her house, about to go to jail for her 3rd dui or possession, or going to court because she was caught shoplifting a 5th time (not a teenager, a grown arsed woman), prescript drug abuse, a drunk, someone whos lost custody of her kids because she was a crap parent, someone $40,000 in debt and makes $6 an hour at walmart...blah blah blah...
my ex girlfriend (a few back before I met the wife) told me she was a controls engineer...did electric schematic drawings for GM...talked the game...I found out she was an escort...a prostitute...working for some agency...man I spent a few months getting tested and scared to death...
yet she hides all this in a misleading package designed to get someone interested before the truth is revealed
that to me is unacceptable
everyone has their issues, hangups...quirks...but if the person KNOWS these things are so bad that they must hide or deceive, wait until they've been together a while to reveal, then THAT is baggage...not a quirk
my example of bad baggage (and ive seen this in various forms):
meeting a classy sexy smart woman and then finding out she is unemployed, losing her house, about to go to jail for her 3rd dui or possession, or going to court because she was caught shoplifting a 5th time (not a teenager, a grown arsed woman), prescript drug abuse, a drunk, someone whos lost custody of her kids because she was a crap parent, someone $40,000 in debt and makes $6 an hour at walmart...blah blah blah...
my ex girlfriend (a few back before I met the wife) told me she was a controls engineer...did electric schematic drawings for GM...talked the game...I found out she was an escort...a prostitute...working for some agency...man I spent a few months getting tested and scared to death...
yet she hides all this in a misleading package designed to get someone interested before the truth is revealed
that to me is unacceptable
everyone has their issues, hangups...quirks...but if the person KNOWS these things are so bad that they must hide or deceive, wait until they've been together a while to reveal, then THAT is baggage...not a quirk
Yes.
And when I wrote up my OKC profile, I tried very hard to describe the situation as it stood in that moment but to be clear that I didn't want or expect it to be a mess that a new love interest would need to deal with in any way.
A long marriage ending amicably, he was pursuing someone else with my blessing, I am still living in the house as a roommate/friend but plan to get my own place soon. Teenage kids who will live with him. A busy life that makes dating challenging, but a desire for friendship and possibly sex.
Is the reality different? Yes. But like my title/tag thing on another site I'm on, it is "evolving."
At this moment, it should read:
"A long marriage ending with a very sad, depressive, and miserable ex who uses me for garage therapy when I don't find a good enough excuse to be elsewhere, who tried to pursue someone else without the desired results...I want to get out so badly I can taste it, but don't know if I'm getting my own place or waiting for the ex to run off to another country seeking his own end, which he presently plans to do this fall. Regardless, I've got two sons to finish raising and another five years on the clock with that, but hey, they're good kids and not terribly high maintenance, being as how they're well adjusted teenagers (astonishingly, those things aren't mutually exclusive.) Looking for friendship, because I've got a new lover in my life, but would consider sex with the right woman. Contact me if you wield a mean flogger, or know where I can buy a really nice one."
Something like that...? Now imagine me going up to people in bars with that spiel...I don't think so!
The one thing that all of this crazy ish says about me, is that I am patient. Really...really patient.
For some, this is a viable option. For others, it's completely impractical. I work in male-dominated industry (aerospace engineering), that's overwhelmingly married and overwhelmingly 50+, in a pocket of affluence surrounded by rust-belt decline, in a region that's overwhelming Christian and "family oriented"... not exactly conducive to workplace dating-success (or any "real life" dating success). And being in an position of some prominence, I must be scrupulously careful about my social interactions at work.
This is my problem as well...even the men in their 20s/30s here are already married. Getting married at a younger age tends to be a trend around here.... I work in a chemical plant in instruments and analyzers... the pool is very very small of single men in my age range around here.... But yet there must be something wrong with me because I am a "relatively attractive woman [that needs] to use online dating."
Because they live in a fantasy world. Princess syndrome. Or there kids Intolerable. No One with good sense or job wants them. Or they have mental issues.
I'm making no judgements as everyone is open and free to find happiness wherever that may be. However, I always wondered why certain women who most would deem as attractive would purse online dating as a viable route to meet good, single men. I'd just assume going out and about doing their thing would be enough to meet people to the point that joining a dating site would never even cross their minds. Your opinion...
Some don't have time in their busy schedules to be out meeting men. Think career-oriented and otherwise busy women. They have to do something.
I use online dating because there are no other good options for meeting singles these days. Especially when you are well over 40 like me. Most are married in my town and many singles are often too glued to their phones or iPods to notice anyone when outdoors... And I don't drink or go to bars. Also being child-free and non-smoking, it is the only good way to filter out the smokers and single moms. I also post on craigslist and that seems to be the most effective way for me lately to meet singles. (By putting what I want right in the title)
I'm making no judgements as everyone is open and free to find happiness wherever that may be. However, I always wondered why certain women who most would deem as attractive would purse online dating as a viable route to meet good, single men. I'd just assume going out and about doing their thing would be enough to meet people to the point that joining a dating site would never even cross their minds. Your opinion...
I think the reason most people - regardless of where you personally would rate them on your personal attractiveness scale - go to such sites is that our modern world has become more insular and resource demanding.
The former means that meeting people socially has become more difficult and stressful - especially in a society where many lock themselves in a bubble at home - lock themselves in a small bubble (their car) in their commute to and from work - and are isolated in further in work itself in many ways.
The latter means that demands on our time and stress levels and energy have increased too alas. We simply do not have the time for the mating dances of social partner finding and bonding that our species has had historically. And when we finally do get home from work at the end of a day - many of us are fit for little more than TV and convenience foods. Neither of which do us any good in terms of solving our energy and stress level issues.
So modernity has simply forced us into this "quick fix" culture - and ways to reduce the energy and time and social requirements of finding a mate or partner. And Online Dating sites fit very well into that niche and requirement for many.
I think the reason most people - regardless of where you personally would rate them on your personal attractiveness scale - go to such sites is that our modern world has become more insular and resource demanding.
The former means that meeting people socially has become more difficult and stressful - especially in a society where many lock themselves in a bubble at home - lock themselves in a small bubble (their car) in their commute to and from work - and are isolated in further in work itself in many ways.
The latter means that demands on our time and stress levels and energy have increased too alas. We simply do not have the time for the mating dances of social partner finding and bonding that our species has had historically. And when we finally do get home from work at the end of a day - many of us are fit for little more than TV and convenience foods. Neither of which do us any good in terms of solving our energy and stress level issues.
So modernity has simply forced us into this "quick fix" culture - and ways to reduce the energy and time and social requirements of finding a mate or partner. And Online Dating sites fit very well into that niche and requirement for many.
Well said.
This is precisely why I tried OLD for several months. I don't often get out socially, mainly because of a lack of time and, at the end of a work week, energy. I also don't go to bars or places where singles typically hang out. I moved to another state only four years ago where I'm fortunate enough to have some great work friends and neighbors, but not yet many friends I can socialize with outside of work. I do work out at a gym, though (always have; that's where I met my ex-husband to whom I was married for 20 years), but I've found that I prefer to exercise outdoors these days. Long story short: outside of work, the reality is I spend a lot of time alone.
However, I now realize I'd rather meet someone organically, even if it takes forever.
Last edited by newdixiegirl; 08-19-2015 at 06:16 AM..
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