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He is angry and depressed (at something within the marriage). He is looking for an outlet and unfortunately you are the easy target in his life.
Some of the overall theme of your original post I can relate to in my current marriage. No I have not pushed my wife into group sex or emotional blackmail. However, being angry and depressed led me to confide in a close friend which turned into something unexpected. My "outside relationship" which never reached to the point of intimacy did evolve into something very close to it. I was angry at my wife (for various things) and as such attempting to fill what was missing with an outside relationship.
No different from seeking sexual excitement from others (group) as an attempt to relieve the conflicted feelings resulting from something within the marriage itself.
Just like your husband, my wife refused to accept her role in the path our marriage took... instead blamed it on me.. the individual. For many accepting help in the form of counseling is often felt as an admission of failure.
If he won't go to counseling, he leaves you with no alternative than to call it quits.
In your late 30's, you shouldn't be peri-menopausal. What makes you think you are? (It does come early for a few women.) It sounds like you've lost interest in him because of his kinks. Get counseling for yourself, to help sort through your feelings.
My mother was full blown by 40...all done. I started getting irregular periods (about one every 4 months) and serious hot flashes/night sweats. My OB has basically said it sounds like it.
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Originally Posted by hpotterfan77
This is the way I see it but I wanted some opinions on the matter to make sure it wasn't me being the selfish one. I don't think I am and I don't feel I should feel uncomfortable in the bedroom but I do.
You aren't being selfish. Hopefully you're open to at least trying the 1x1 stuff before dismissing it.
I doubt you doing any of these things will change the dynamic more than temporarily though.
No, but one of the biggest. My husband likes to drink more than he should (not an alcoholic and certainly not an angry drinker) but more than I deem acceptable, every day of the week and he can be rude. His opinions aren't so inline with mine anymore and I think the problems are being exacerbated by the fact that I'm not getting any anymore nor do I seem to want it from him.
It sounds like, to some extent his personality has changed since you married him, or since the kids arrived. There's no call for rudeness. I'm starting to wonder if he's all that into you anymore.
You aren't being selfish. Hopefully you're open to at least trying the 1x1 stuff before dismissing it.
I doubt you doing any of these things will change the dynamic more than temporarily though.
I have tried everything he has wanted at least one, most times 3-4 times and just don't like it. Any of it. Not for me. Maybe I still hold on to the guilt ridden Catholic/Jewish upbring...lol, maybe I AM a prude but I have been with my fair share of men prior to my husband and never felt this....alone.
My mother was full blown by 40...all done. I started getting irregular periods (about one every 4 months) and serious hot flashes/night sweats. My OB has basically said it sounds like it.
OK, well, at a time like this in your life, you need support, not demands. The sleep disturbances could be affecting your libido and mood, too. Does he have a clue to what you're going through? Is he concerned? It'll get worse before it gets better.
It sounds like, to some extent his personality has changed since you married him, or since the kids arrived. There's no call for rudeness. I'm starting to wonder if he's all that into you anymore.
He says he is. I ask him if he still loves me and if he still wants to be married to me and he says with absolute certainty, yes, but then proceeds to give me a guilt trip with everything he finds wrong with me. How can you love someone yet make them feel that alone?
Does it matter why it sounds like that? I sounds like it is in jeopardy, for whatever reason. And apparently there is no desire to fix or address those reasons.
Yes it matters, because the OP needs to see that it isn't about her being a "prude." It's about him being a jerk.
OP, having to drink every day could in fact be alcoholism.
OK, well, at a time like this in your life, you need support, not demands. The sleep disturbances could be affecting your libido and mood, too. Does he have a clue to what you're going through? Is he concerned? It'll get worse before it gets better.
He knows what I'm going through. My issue is that I don't know if it's me or him. LIke I said, I can look at another man and wonder what it would be like to sleep with him, etc but when it comes to my husband, nothing...zero...no desire whatsoever.
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