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I am a guy wanting advice from women on dealing with a couple of issues with my wife.
Background info: We have known each other for 15 years and have been married for 8 years. We have two kids (a 4 year old and a 2 year old).
For the last 8 months, my wife has been battling serious depression (self-hate, suicidal thoughts, etc.). I have read up on how to support her and help her and have executed on everything that I could. I have taken on more of the household chores and child-caring. I encourage her to get outside and involved in church and social functions as much as she is willing to do. Eventually she started going to a therapist which helped her deal with some tough family issues that she has (her family is extremely disfunctional).
After all of that she is making progress. She has "down" days here and there but she no longer has the breakdown in dehabilitating tears days she was having a few months ago. It has been tough but I felt it has made me stronger and a more supportive husband who listens to his wife more.
Now the other issue that I am having is sexual frustration. We have never had a great sex life but it was "ok/good" and she was always willing to try new things and would go through periods where she was the primary initiator. With the introduction of the two little ones, the sex life took a hit but it got really bad about a year ago, probably around the same time her depression started to get bad, where she either rejected me or just had obligation sex where she looked miserable.
I discussed this with her a few times, but she would get upset (sad not mad) and would cry. She would blame her self and would say things along the lines of me being happier without her. I felt horrible when this happened. She would tell me that she feels too much pressure and that she doesn't know what's wrong. As I learned more about depression I realized that this was probably the main culprit of our issues. I made a decision to not pressure her (or initiate sex) and instead let her focus on her depression and getting better. That was about 3-4 months ago. In that time we have had sex once. As far as the depression goes, my wife is getting better and I am willing to wait as long as it takes but sometimes I have doubts about whether I am doing the right thing.
Question 1: One positive sign is that in her darkest moments she would not cuddle, kiss me, or even want to be naked in front of me. There was a very low level of intimacy. Now she does all of those. Do you think this is a positive that could lead to intimacy in other areas?
Question 2: I am worried that will become the new normal and that we will not have sex regularly anymore, even when she is no longer suffering from depression. Do you think that is a legit worry?
Question 3: I am very goal oriented and I told myself that I need to make myself more attractive (I have gained 40 lbs since we started dating and I used to dress better). I have joined Weight Watchers with my wife and we have been losing weight. I started working out and I have been getting more haircuts and plan to go shopping soon. I guess in my very simple "guy" way of thinking, could she say No if I turned myself into a hunk? Do you think this will help?
Questions 4: My top question is this: If you were the wife in this situation what would you want your husband to do?
It's good that you're aware of the toll depression has had on her, and your relationship. And hopefully seeing a professional is helping; that she's slowly coming out of the darkness. But trying to make yourself a "hunk" isn't going to solve the intimacy issues because the extra few pounds you're carrying didn't cause this, so it won't cure it.
Be gentle, patient, loving and understanding, all the things you've been doing so far. I think that's really all you can do.
I am a guy wanting advice from women on dealing with a couple of issues with my wife.
Background info: We have known each other for 15 years and have been married for 8 years. We have two kids (a 4 year old and a 2 year old).
For the last 8 months, my wife has been battling serious depression (self-hate, suicidal thoughts, etc.). I have read up on how to support her and help her and have executed on everything that I could. I have taken on more of the household chores and child-caring. I encourage her to get outside and involved in church and social functions as much as she is willing to do. Eventually she started going to a therapist which helped her deal with some tough family issues that she has (her family is extremely disfunctional).
After all of that she is making progress. She has "down" days here and there but she no longer has the breakdown in dehabilitating tears days she was having a few months ago. It has been tough but I felt it has made me stronger and a more supportive husband who listens to his wife more.
Now the other issue that I am having is sexual frustration. We have never had a great sex life but it was "ok/good" and she was always willing to try new things and would go through periods where she was the primary initiator. With the introduction of the two little ones, the sex life took a hit but it got really bad about a year ago, probably around the same time her depression started to get bad, where she either rejected me or just had obligation sex where she looked miserable.
I discussed this with her a few times, but she would get upset (sad not mad) and would cry. She would blame her self and would say things along the lines of me being happier without her. I felt horrible when this happened. She would tell me that she feels too much pressure and that she doesn't know what's wrong. As I learned more about depression I realized that this was probably the main culprit of our issues. I made a decision to not pressure her (or initiate sex) and instead let her focus on her depression and getting better. That was about 3-4 months ago. In that time we have had sex once. As far as the depression goes, my wife is getting better and I am willing to wait as long as it takes but sometimes I have doubts about whether I am doing the right thing.
Question 1: One positive sign is that in her darkest moments she would not cuddle, kiss me, or even want to be naked in front of me. There was a very low level of intimacy. Now she does all of those. Do you think this is a positive that could lead to intimacy in other areas?
Question 2: I am worried that will become the new normal and that we will not have sex regularly anymore, even when she is no longer suffering from depression. Do you think that is a legit worry?
Question 3: I am very goal oriented and I told myself that I need to make myself more attractive (I have gained 40 lbs since we started dating and I used to dress better). I have joined Weight Watchers with my wife and we have been losing weight. I started working out and I have been getting more haircuts and plan to go shopping soon. I guess in my very simple "guy" way of thinking, could she say No if I turned myself into a hunk? Do you think this will help?
Questions 4: My top question is this: If you were the wife in this situation what would you want your husband to do?
Congrats to you for being a caring, attentive spouse. You have done a LOT of things right.
Consider, for a moment, what you would do if your wife was catastrophically injured and unable to have sex. There are plenty of married couples who live this way.
Would you still be doing the things you are doing?
Would you still be as attentive?
Would you stay? or leave?
Question 1) Yes, those are positive signs, and they COULD lead to sex.
Question 2) Yes, this is a possibility. Only YOU can decide if it is something to WORRY about, or if you could live that way and still love your wife and honor your commitment.
Question 3) Your appearance is not the major factor here. Do these things anyway, for you.
Question 4) I would want my husband to place my health and well being above his desire for intercourse.
Are you hoping people will say they would want you to have a girlfriend outside the marriage?
It's hard when our partners have chronic depression. Is she getting help?
If you want your relationship to last, just shut up about the lack of sex. Show her you care with nonsexual hugs and cuddling, for the time being, to maintain your physical connection. Leave her sweet notes and bring her small gifts to show you care. Take care of yourself as needed.
Do your own thing. Take care of the family, do your chores, and go to work. Seek out a few guys for sports related activities and get in shape. Continue weight watchers with your wife. Take her on dates. Make sure she sees all of her doctors and gets her hormones and thyroid checked.
Congrats to you for being a caring, attentive spouse. You have done a LOT of things right.
Consider, for a moment, what you would do if your wife was catastrophically injured and unable to have sex. There are plenty of married couples who live this way.
Would you still be doing the things you are doing?
Would you still be as attentive?
Would you stay? or leave?
That provides an interesting perspective. I would stay with my wife and the lack of sex would not matter as much if she physically could not do it.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Wmsn4Life
Are you hoping people will say they would want you to have a girlfriend outside the marriage?
No, my brain never even considered that. I am not a cheater.
It's hard when our partners have chronic depression. Is she getting help?
If you want your relationship to last, just shut up about the lack of sex. Show her you care with nonsexual hugs and cuddling, for the time being, to maintain your physical connection. Leave her sweet notes and bring her small gifts to show you care. Take care of yourself as needed.
Do your own thing. Take care of the family, do your chores, and go to work. Seek out a few guys for sports related activities and get in shape. Continue weight watchers with your wife. Take her on dates. Make sure she sees all of her doctors and gets her hormones and thyroid checked.
That provides an interesting perspective. I would stay with my wife and the lack of sex would not matter as much if she physically could not do it.
That's my point. She still PHYSICALLY cannot do it. Depression, as I'm sure you know, is not "all in her head."
I promise you, if she's been diagnosed, she's not making this up or "doing it to you" for some reason. So please think of it the same way you would if she were in a wheelchair.
You guys are doing so well in so many ways. I encourage you to revise your expectations so that if and when you are able to have sex, it will be a pleasant surprise.
That's my point. She still PHYSICALLY cannot do it. Depression, as I'm sure you know, is not "all in her head."
I promise you, if she's been diagnosed, she's not making this up or "doing it to you" for some reason. So please think of it the same way you would if she were in a wheelchair.
You guys are doing so well in so many ways. I encourage you to revise your expectations so that if and when you are able to have sex, it will be a pleasant surprise.
Thank you. I think that is good advice and you have given me something to think about.
If she is on meds, they most likely mess with her sex drive.
VERY true.
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