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I spent around 8 months rejecting men i knew were wrong for me, i kept running away from all that drama-full experiences, and then i met him: exactly what i wanted. Not the soulmate, not the guy that checked all my boxes: he was the guy that will always love me and make me happy. Not that bad.
I really dont get why you are so irritated, but hopefully can clarify what i meant when abandoned the concept of "soulmate", cause i dont think you got what i wanted to say. I didnt mean i "downsized" anything, i dont think of those society hieratchy things you are talking about. What i meant is that i spent 7 years with a guy with a inability to commit, for whatever reason, maybe because he was (we both were) in our 20s, or maybe for deeper reasons since he seemed to be in the exact same place when we talked a few months ago. Since i was SO in love with this guy, the 2 years i was his friend, and then even more when we started dating, i thought "love" was about overcoming all obstacles to be with someone just because he was "the one". I thought as him as "the one", we really had a lot in common, he was so charming and smart and unbelievably attractive, and he was in love with me, but he also had a ton of issues that made it impossible to have a real lasting relationship with him. But i stayed. For 7 years. Clearly, i was inmature too. Not only his fault, but mine too.
If im "congratulating" myself for anything, is for growing out of that stage, and for knowing that way before my guy appeared. My and my long time boyfriend broke up in 2012, i met my guy in 2014. The post break up was the realization that i didnt want that type of love again. Those 2 years made me realize i wanted someone who was a good person, who loved me, who was kind, attentive, sensitive, and wanted to commit. THOSE are the qualitys that im proud i found in my guy.
Yes, he also happens to be acomplished, starting his Phd in philosohpy at 27, graduating with honours before that, and winning a major great paying job as an investigator in a prestigious academy. Yes, he spent his 20s studying and trying to better himself. And he met me at a great time. Cause, guess what? He met women before, he had girlfriends too. And none of them were mature enough to appreciate the kind of guy he was. They all played games, had inability to commit, were hot and cold, just like my guys. But when i met him (and no, he is not hideous, he is super cute too in a nerdy kind of way) i knew he was a catch. Not for his many academic acomplishments (wich i of course appreciate) but because he was a fantastic guy. Sincere, honest, willing to put himself outhere, not afraid to wear his heart on his sleeve. I felt LOVED, and taked care of. He wasnt "afraid" of what i might do to him, he wasnt afraid to get hurt. He got hurt before, but was willing to go all in with me, he was BRAVE.
Despite what many men think, it takes a brave men to give someone your heart like that. Its not that easy to love that way, and, for some people, its not that easy to let themselves be loved that way.
We both were in the ideal state of mind to meet eachother. I would have passed by a men like him if i met him 5 years before, because i was too stupid, i thought that men who were "sensitive" or really sweet were idiots. It turns out i was the idiot, wasting time with cowards, just cause i had it all wrong.
Let me translate as I have seen similar discussions on multiple message boards. I think they're saying you had the bad boy fetish where a woman chases the bad boys until they are 30 or so, then they flip a switch and decide they want a totally different kind of guy. He's basically saying you got lucky because quite often once they flip the switch it's too late and all the good guys that no one wanted when they were younger, now have tons of options and are pickier. The great guy you are with now probably could date a lot of different women, but back when you were both 21 you wouldn't have given him the time of day.
Nah, I'm still the same old G. Except now I got more money and I walk with a limp.
If anything I'm a better hunter, and now I truly understand how increasingly rare my prey is.
The good ones ARE hard to find,
and the sands are running out on your own hourglass
with the light of each daybreak and the sweet coolness of each setting sun.
Somewhere in my 30s I realized all that really mattered to me was that he was kind and that I feel a certain way with him: totally cared for, supported, respected, and safe. And that I love his company.
I couldn't have come up with a better list myself. All of that is the most important stuff. All of the looks and success in the world can't compete with what you listed.
This thread is more specifically destined towards men, but anyone is free to post their perspective!
I would like to know how your "criteria"/"expectations" have evolved since your (early) twenties.
What you were looking for in mate in your twenties vs in your thirties (and beyond)?
Thanks!
No list, really. One binge after high school for Russians, but one ex-ballerina that was growing into a linebacker was enough. Career woman only back in the early 20s, but that's changed in the last several years. Not having latchkey kids. Been there already.
Quote:
Originally Posted by ticking
Man in his 40's here.
In teens and early 20's I thought I wanted a tall blond babe..that is all, never thought much about personality....mid/late 20's married and bred a brunette Latina.....
30's back to being single again....decided I wanted another Latina...found another tall and spectacularly beautiful latina goddess... bred her once again...as normal for me I failed to examine her personality
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. Not that bad.
Good strategy Sophie!
