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It's unclear from your post if you ever loved her. It's all her fault. What? You bear no responsibility? You're just the super hard-working, good looking, type A stud who just married a pretty, but lazy chubby dud of a wife? Hmmm…. sounds fishy.
She doesn't "make you" do anything and you don't ALWAYS have to do anything. You have taken on those roles in the relationship. Just like she's taken certain roles. Have you asked her to work on any of these things or are you just assuming she can't/won't do them, so you must do them and be the one who is carrying the entire relationship on your back.
I wouldn't assume leaving this woman will solve your problems. Counseling seems in order to examine your actual expectations of marriage and yourself as a marriage partner before you skip on to the next one. Otherwise, you'll drag this stuff with you and as "lather, rinse, repeat" said… you can "lather, rinse, repeat" over and over and over. Don't be THAT guy.
If there's ANYTHING there, consider "pre-martial" counseling too. Sounds like you two skipped some crucial relationship steps along the way.
With the little information at hand ,
It doesn't appear your married for love, but for convienience.
Not knowing what love is, having played the dating game for so long, using people like your play toys.
That is a culture all it's own people using each other noncommittally .
In theory, love should be best explained as one not being able to function with out the other =dependency
But this society does not like this analogy, women holding to equality and independence , so we try n find something in between both can agree on .
Good luck.
1. It isn't like you didn't know what you were getting into with her before you were married . If you weren't paying attention, it's on you.
2.Have you ever reviewed your wedding vows. I will bet that she had, hundreds of times while growing up. You may not even remember what they are .
3. What is your word worth?
Thanks for the replies everybody. I appreciate all of the constructive criticism from those who provided it. My post was mainly for catharsis. To the people who have nothing constructive to contribute, and want to criticize.....whatever. I'm happy trying to fix things and be happy. Sounds like some people here are content being miserable. Again, thanks to all of the constructive posts. I guess I've always been somewhat aware of her personality traits. Getting married just seemed to magnify them. Prior to getting married, both of us were always pretty busy with school, travel, partying, and friends. Add me always working full-time and sometimes more than full time, and I guess that our busy lives somewhat masked all the negatives, or at least just didn't give us time to dwell on them. I hoped that when I settled down with her and got married, everything would be okay. I guess I was naive. I'm going to talk to her this weekend and suggest we get marital counseling.
My needs are simple. I just want my wife to work and contribute to our life, and to take care of herself....and maybe help out around the house..in that order. She always planned on working before we got married, but she hardly does. I just never expected to be the sole person who had to shoulder the burden of all of our finances. Is she completely at fault here? Absolutely not. This is just my perspective. Maybe I didn't convey my expectations of her well enough while I should have.
The two top causes of divorce are: seriously mismatched sex drives, and being on opposite pages re: money management/spending. You two have the latter problem. You should ALWAYS discuss money before getting married, Your bad. She's never in her life had to face reality regarding money. Now, she's simply substituted you for her parents. You're her gravy train, now. She's used to living that way, so she doesn't see anything wrong with it. I bet she takes it for granted.
Why does your checking acc't get low? Is it because of those basic bills (plus her schooling you're now paying for), or is it because she's an impulse buyer? Put her on a budget. If she wants extras for herself (makeup, clothes, whatever), tell her she needs to find a way to earn the money herself. And she should also find a way to pay off her own student loans.
BTW, if her parents were so loaded, with extra homes and all, why the heck did she need to take out loans for school? That makes no sense.
You two need to have a series of conversations about money. With a mediator/professional counselor, if necessary.
And next time you get married, if there is a next time, for heaven's sake, look before you leap.
Just curious: what kind of grades did she get in school? Why didn't she pass her boards? Not a disciplined student/life was always too easy for her? Not all that bright? Didn't feel like studying hard enough for the exams?
Our checking acct gets low because of her extras. Whenever I bring up a budget, she gets somewhat offended though, so I'm currently trying to come up with a way to thoughtfully tell her that she will be on a budget. Her dad made her take out some student loans so that she would work to pay them back. He hoped that having some debt under her name would put a fire under her and make her want to work.
As far as grades go, her grades were okay. I think her not passing boards was due to an easy life that led to a lack of drive. Getting into a nursing program in California is really competitive, and the courses are difficult. She admits to doing the bare minimum to pass since she never really liked nursing in the first place (she was forced to do it by her parents so that she could work for their healthcare related business). She potentially could have made a lot of money, and could have possibly taken over the business, which was part of the plan all along.
I guess I've always been somewhat aware of her personality traits. Getting married just seemed to magnify them. Prior to getting married, both of us were always pretty busy with school, travel, partying, and friends. Add me always working full-time and sometimes more than full time, and I guess that our busy lives somewhat masked all the negatives, or at least just didn't give us time to dwell on them. I hoped that when I settled down with her and got married, everything would be okay. I guess I was naive. I'm going to talk to her this weekend and suggest we get marital counseling.
My needs are simple. I just want my wife to work and contribute to our life, and to take care of herself....and maybe help out around the house..in that order. She always planned on working before we got married, but she hardly does. I just never expected to be the sole person who had to shoulder the burden of all of our finances. Is she completely at fault here? Absolutely not..
OP, do her parents still own vacation homes? Can't they sell one to pay for her schooling? There's still something about this picture that doesn't add up.
You're not the first person who's posted here, saying their spouse seems to be a completely different person after marriage, when pre-marriage it was all school, partying, and work. It seems like couples who were partyers in school are especially poorly-prepared for the reality of marriage. Life was such a breeze and so much fun in school (or not a breeze, if there was a work schedule involved), then after the wedding ceremony, suddenly life gets real, very real, and they can't handle it. So they accuse their SO of having "changed".
What really happened was that those couples (like you and your wife) never discussed real-life married-couple issues prior to taking that huge life-changing step. You never discussed who would handle household chores, who would work, and would it be full-time for both, etc., what percent of income would go into long-term savings, your goals for life, for your savings, retirement, etc. All that boring-sounding but essential stuff. So now you're left holding the bag, and wondering what to do with it.
You two have a lot of catching up to do, if you want to have a well-functioning, satisfying relationship. Everything that usually gets discussed during those pre-marriage workshops needs to get discussed now, preferably with a trained facilitator/counselor. Your wife needs a wake-up call, and you both need to work on this together.
And to the bolded: yes. You both were.
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