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I am in therapy. The therapist thinks I've got it together very well in life and that I don't come off as a rude person. I joke with her that I'm a good actress. In real life, I am the one that everyone thinks is so nice and so sweet, etc. The therapist also indicated that while she cannot tell me who to date, (I started therapy when with the last one), they should have basic financial things: a house (not live with their mom unless they are caring for her, not the other way around), a job and a car. I have never been one to look down on people for what they have or don't have though I have worked hard for what I have. But I think she is right. I may come off as insecure, the type who is too nice so everyone will like me. Unpleasant, absolutely not. I am the cheerleader, the positive , happy one who is always smiling and can make anyone laugh. It's hard to see this maybe from online. I chose wrong, yes that is a pattern. And I am aware I have faults too. I do work on them.
Usually these threads are from self-proclaimed Nice Guys who are frustrated at all the dumb ******* who don't appreciate their obvious Niceness. You said earlier that these two men said you are snooty, rude, and impatient. A couple of posters have had similar impressions. Maybe you're not all that Nice.
1. Not want to put in the work
2. Easier on the ego than a self-respecting woman
3. Easier to get what they want
4.Foolish notion that the classy women will always
be there waiting for them but they will only be
virile (randy) young men once in their lifetime.
So, they feel they must "seize the day"
^^^ point taken. She felt I needed to start with the basics as both of these men did not have all 3 when we started. As you stated, that should be a given. Ironically for those of you that think I think I'm better than people, I chose to overlook this simple concept. If I have these things, possibly they should as well. You are right- basic question, why choose men that are not fully committing to me. The first one was not capable of committing to anyone. The second one was so I can't exactly explain what went wrong besides the idea he went from thinking I was perfect (I believed he did and still believe he did in the beginning) to thinking I was a horrible person- flipped on me 100%, yes, we got past the point where you're putting your best foot forward as everyone does in the beginning. I didn't turn on him when I saw his faults. I had his back. Doesn't make me better, just unable to choose someone (in these two cases, not always) lately who continues to think I'm great as time goes on. This forum really helps, really helping me work through this and understand better. Thank you
Last edited by lastwomanstanding; 07-22-2015 at 09:45 AM..
Reason: To note this was for Random like me- I didn't expect so many posts at the same time
This is just another one of those things you shouldn't try to understand because it really won't make you feel better.
Maybe they didn't see those women as trashy, they fell in love with who they were as a person, or they clicked better with them. No matter how good you think you are...the truth is you will not be compatible with everyone. Someone else's "trash" is another person's treasure.
You can't feel entitled to anything, because the minute you do, that is where the problems start. It's just typical human behavior...don't try to understand it.
So...your timeframe is the benchmark for what makes one "classy" instead of "trashy"?
Not at all. It is respecting the relationship you're in as well as respecting others. What is more rude than cheating? Yet I am called rude (only by one of them, the other one did not find me rude)
It is working for what you have rather than manipulating men or welfare for things. Taking responsibility for yourself. I get that no one is perfect.
It is keeping custody of and taking care of your children as well as your health by not abusing alcohol and drugs.
Wow...my word, OP, there are things here that resonate with me like you wouldn't believe.
All I can advise is analyze, introspect, and learn. You seem to be on this mission. I'll share some stuff I've learned.
Had a boyfriend many years ago who stands out in my mind as one of the coolest guys, I would have happily settled down with him, built him up, had his back on a path to greatness, anything he wanted I would have given him. I was his first. At the time, I was an intellectual, aggressive, gorgeous teenager (we were both that young.) He dumped me for a plain, nearly ugly, chubby, stupid girl from a trailer park. I was so, SO upset. I started smoking cigs that night, and darned if I'm not still addicted. Not too long ago (within last 5 years or so) I got that guy on the phone because he was visiting a friend I was still in touch with. I told him how highly I thought of him, and that I would have gone to the ends of the earth for him, and asked him why on earth he dumped me for that awful person he wound up with next. His response was..... "You scared the hell out of me."
What do you say to that?
So perhaps these other women are simply less threatening to these men. If they place themselves lower than you, due to not having as strong a standing in life, that may be the case...they then swing to someone who is really low, so that they can feel relatively secure.
Next case in point: The Pirate. A friend who wound up living at my house. I had an interest in him that was destined to go nowhere...but I spent a bunch of money taking him to fun outings and buying him stuff, I was supportive of his goals and dreams, totally there for him. I was very giving, he didn't have to ask for anything. And yet, he reached a point where he felt bad for what he was getting from me, taking advantage even if the advantages were thrust upon him. Now I'm sure your choices weren't bums quite as much as my friend, but if you are in a higher station in life and wind up sharing generously with these men, that gets hard for many people to accept. It chips away at their self worth.
Fast forward to lesson learned with my most recent person...
I thought that this was better because he isn't a train wreck and I don't have to support or fix him, he's got his career, his home, his vehicle, his life. Stands solidly in his own place.
This isn't enough.
I find that I need someone who can trust and whom I can trust, and I am going to have to figure out how to take the formation of relationships a little slower to build that up in the beginning. I find that we need to respect each others' needs and make one another a priority. And I need to try and find a man who isn't so completely wrapped up in himself and his own needs that he reacts negatively or obliviously to the fact that I'm a person who needs stuff too sometimes. I need some compassion occasionally when life is putting me through hell. A man who responds with "Seriously? Me, me, ME!! Cut it out with this YOU garbage!" is not one I need to waste emotional resources on. I want someone who can love as generously as I do, which is very, very generous given half a chance. I want someone who can bring as much as I do. I want a friend first.
Sometimes the patterns we repeat aren't the most obvious things.
Keep learning OP. Keep thinking. Good luck to both of us in figuring this stuff out.
Usually these threads are from self-proclaimed Nice Guys who are frustrated at all the dumb ******* who don't appreciate their obvious Niceness. You said earlier that these two men said you are snooty, rude, and impatient. A couple of posters have had similar impressions. Maybe you're not all that Nice.
Honestly, I hope I'm not. Something isn't making sense when you are good to people in general and very good to the men in your life and you find yourself taken advantage of by some people in society and you find people who are the ones who manipulate men you are in relationship with come out on top. One man's opinion (the rude comment, the other man did not find me rude. "too nice, like him" (haha) is what he said. (though he did say I was rude once in 5 years) Whatever changes me is for the better. No need to be too nice before you really know a person.
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