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That said, if I had only 17 hours in a 168 hour week to spend with my wife, I would likely spend most of it with her doing something. She's my best friend, and we love each others company.... which is kind of really why we got together in the first place.
I want to make sure I'm clear on the 17.5 hours. This is the (generally) available pure US time. We're both usually home by 5:45 during the week and are doing things then until kids go to sleep and on weekends, it's just the 4 of us and not just the 2 of us.
Yeah, these are separate things (not sure if my post was clear). Basically I have soccer 2x a week and play computer games (generally) late after one of the soccer times and 1 other evening per week after the kids go to bed.
On the other days, we'll work out together or watch TV, or both. That's not as "quality" as she'd like, but things are limited when you have to be at home with sleeping kids. We are going to try and do other things to improve that aspect.
My main intent was to get a sense of whether or not my perception of the individual vs. together balance within that free time was out of wack. Everyone's different, obviously, though a general consensus (bell curve of opinion or something) would be good to know.
I think a general consensus would be that women need romance and feel pretty.
Get a babysitter and go out for dinner once a week or a movie, or whatever else there is available in your area. Or cook together at home. Strip poker. Whatever, do something TOGETHER and keep the marriage alive and exciting. Many women get frustrated if they feel neglected and disconnected. I think the secret of a long and good marriage is going the extra step and trying to keep it fresh.
Otherwise some women run into an old flame on facebook or get a new flirty coworker that gives them what they miss at home - attention and the feeling to be pretty. Not saying your wife is like that, but I think that too many people take their spouse for granted and then they are sooooo surprised if the partner starts texting with their high school sweetheart or facebooking.
I want to make sure I'm clear on the 17.5 hours. This is the (generally) available pure US time. We're both usually home by 5:45 during the week and are doing things then until kids go to sleep and on weekends, it's just the 4 of us and not just the 2 of us.
We have a family of three. I get your situation. My home life mirrors what your explaining. No clarification is necessary.
I do not find it so cut and dry however. If my wife and I had hobbies which were important to us, we would work together to make sure each of us can get them to the best of our ability. To us, whether the kids are in bed or not would be irrelevant to making occasional time to a hobby of importance.
That said, we also prioritize growing our own relationship. Hence why I said I would more likely direct time where the two of us can spend it together a couple to that endeavor. You cannot grow as a couple and strengthen your individual relationship with each other when there are kids in the room requiring your attention. Disappearing during this limited time, regularly, to play video games or other things is not in the long run going to build your relationship with your wife.
Play video games with your children, have a glass of wine and some stimulating conversation with your wife on the patio after 8 PM.
Yeah, these are separate things (not sure if my post was clear). Basically I have soccer 2x a week and play computer games (generally) late after one of the soccer times and 1 other evening per week after the kids go to bed.
On the other days, we'll work out together or watch TV, or both. That's not as "quality" as she'd like, but things are limited when you have to be at home with sleeping kids. We are going to try and do other things to improve that aspect.
My main intent was to get a sense of whether or not my perception of the individual vs. together balance within that free time was out of wack. Everyone's different, obviously, though a general consensus (bell curve of opinion or something) would be good to know.
If she wants more time then you need to give it to her. Watching tv, working out is not focusing on each other, which I imagine is what she wants. You say you game 1-2 nights a week, but for how long? I imagine it's more often and longer than you're willing to admit.
I imagine the real problem is that the wife is starting to resent your ability to maintain what probably was your pre-kid schedule of multiple soccer games during the week PLUS gaming, which is a real time suck.
If she is a stay-home mom, the resentment can be even more pronounced, because she is dealing with kids all day, and then to have you work all day and then play soccer TWO nights a week after work means even longer hours "on the clock" for her.
Sure, she could sign up for her own activities, but I don't think that's her real complaint.
More than likely, if your wife thinks you need more quality time together, you probably do. Which doesn't mean you have to give up everything. Just get creative, at least once a week. Instead of just having another night where you flip channels and you and she get sleepy on the couch, make at least one night a week like a date night at home.
You can surprise her, too. Pick up a couple of different kinds of good cheeses, crackers, and whatever else you want to add like dried fruit, nuts, grapes. Open a bottle of wine or make, like, a homemade watermelon margarita (can be done without the alcohol). Blend it when the kids are getting tucked in.
Pick out a favorite board game or pick up a new one you've been wanting to try.
Put on an album you both like (volume low enough for the kids). Sit up and have some good snacks, good drinks, enjoy eachother's company.
Even easier: make popcorn, pick out one of her favorite movies to watch, add in a fancy drink if you want, invite her to watch it with you.
If you surprise her like this one day, I bet she'd love it. And it would buy you some alone time the next night. But don't do it just once - make home-date-night a weekly thing. Get creative with it. Sit out on the porch one night and play gin rummy. Teach her how to play one of your games. Cook something together that the kids will enjoy the next day. Give each other a deep back massage.
Point is, if she's complaining about it, it's something you want to pay attention to. But you can keep your soccer and your gaming, and still have some quality time that's fun and different for both of you.
Also, hire a babysitter at somewhat regularly scheduled intervals so that you can still reconnect with your spouse and have actual dates, versus just relying on stolen snatches of time here and there when the kids are in bed as your quality together time. It's important to not let time for just you and your spouse go by the wayside.
"Date night at home," as described above, is very nice...but actual date night, where you know you're not going to have to hit pause at any point to do kid duty, is even better. It doesn't have to be all the time. But it shouldn't be never.
Yeah, these are separate things (not sure if my post was clear). Basically I have soccer 2x a week and play computer games (generally) late after one of the soccer times and 1 other evening per week after the kids go to bed.
On the other days, we'll work out together or watch TV, or both. That's not as "quality" as she'd like, but things are limited when you have to be at home with sleeping kids. We are going to try and do other things to improve that aspect.
My main intent was to get a sense of whether or not my perception of the individual vs. together balance within that free time was out of wack. Everyone's different, obviously, though a general consensus (bell curve of opinion or something) would be good to know.
What does she consider quality time?
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